"AITA for calling out my stepdad for being a hypocrite at my sister’s birthday dinner?"

I (22f) am my mom's(39) oldest child. She met my step dad when she was 19 and he was 27. They were married a year later and went on to have my siblings N(18m), A(17f), and T(15f). It’s not a secret that I don’t like my step dad. My mom was a vulnerable teenager when she met him and he was a grown man.

He made her quit school and become a housewife, all while isolating her from her family. I left at 18 because I couldn’t stand seeing him with her. I hate how he talks to her, and how he’s treated her their entire relationship. I visit when he’s working so I don’t have to see him but still get to see my family, so the dislike I have for him is obvious.

My sister T(15) had a birthday dinner a few days ago, and she really wanted me and my gf(24) to be there. So despite my dislike for my stepdad, I went bc I want my little sister to be happy. At the dinner, somehow the fact that my gf is 24 was mentioned, and my stepdad made a face before asking her “You don’t think it’s inappropriate to date someone who can hardly legally drink?”

I think all the years of quiet resentment just bubbled over because I didn’t even think about it before I asked him if he developed those morals before or after he started dating a vulnerable teen mom when he was nearly 30. He got really red in the face and my mom very quickly changed the subject.

The next morning, I got a text from my mom saying that my stepdad doesn’t want me coming over to the house anymore, even when he isn’t there. Apparently he made that announcement to my siblings too and since then, both of my sisters have started giving him the silent treatment.

My brother texted saying he agrees with me, and he wishes our mom would leave his dad too, but I shouldn’t have done that at T’s birthday dinner. My girlfriend agrees with my brother, but I talked to T and as far as she’s concerned, nothing I said was inaccurate and she thinks her dad should’ve kept his mouth shut if he didn’t want me calling him out.

The whole extended family found out about it though so now my stepdad’s mom is accusing me of lashing out at him because my mother never married my father so they think I’m just “jealous” apparently. The whole thing is an absolute mess and I’m being called an a$$hole for “ruining” my sister’s birthday dinner. So am I?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

TheAmethyst1139 said:

In Dutch we say: he got a cookie made from his own dough. NTA, at all. No lies were told. I applaud you for that amazing comment. He calls you out but “surprised Pikachu face” when he gets called out. He’s a Hypocrite.

reckless150681 said:

NTA. Is your family mad because they found out what actually happened, or because stepdad told them his version? Because, yeah, he's literally guilty of what he's preaching. I'd make sure they're not just being fed an altered version of real events. Stand your ground.

Ok_Ad5315 said:

NTA, what a prick. You have been legally able to drink for over a year and your gf is a whopping 2 years older than you. You're both college grads and in similar stages of life. He preyed on a teenager. You rock for putting him in his place! He won't speak to you that way ever again.

albmiller said:

NTA-who is he to pass judgement on your relationship? Also, how is it he can say whether or not your can come to the house when he isn’t there? It’s your mom’s house too. He sounds controlling.

AModel3Owner said:

NTA - it may have been rude but it is understandable that you would react to his unfair, unwarranted and hypocritical criticism with anger and a saucily accurate response. Is your mom going to comply with his directive and not allow you to visit? Or are you just going to ignore it and continue to visit?

OP replied:

I’m the only thing my mother has ever really argued with him about. She won’t budge for him when it comes to me, so I know that I’ll still be able to see my siblings, but even if she did decide to comply this one time, I pay for a lot of my siblings expenses so I know he’d get over his new rule pretty quickly bc he doesn’t want to pay for their stuff himself.

About a day later, OP's mom shared this post:

I’m 39, I had my first child when I was 17 (she’s now 22), and I met my now husband about two years later when he was 27 and I was 19. We’ve been together for 20 years now, and I’ve had three more beautiful children.

My 22yo loves her siblings, she’s the best sister in the world. She dotes on them, helps them pay for extra expenses when my husband and I don’t have any extra dollars to spare, and sees them as often as possible. She’s an incredible daughter too. Smart, kind, and all around just a sweet girl.

The problem is that she has never gotten along with my husband, not even when she was little. I thought at first that she was young and adjusting to change, but throughout her life and my marriage, she hasn’t wavered on her dislike for him. She’s said that she doesn’t like how he treats me/speaks to me. I try my best to keep the peace, but a few days ago I think I fell short in that.

My youngest just turned 15, and to celebrate we had dinner at her favorite restaurant. My eldest usually avoids gatherings with my husband, but my 15yo really wanted her there so she acquiesced and came with her girlfriend. At dinner, my husband made a sly comment about the two yr age difference between my daughter and her gf.

My daughter responded by mentioning the age diff between him and I. She phrased it in a way that made it clear she views our age difference as wrong, and that she thinks my husband took advantage of my vulnerability. I changed the subject. When we got home after dinner and the kids were in bed, my husband began yelling at me for not defending him against my daughter.

It was obvious that our other children didn’t disagree with her statement, and that seemed to make him angrier. He said that because I never corrected my daughter in the past about her dislike for him, it’s my fault that she hates him now.

He also feels that this hate has caused our other children to hate him too. I have a feeling our 18yo son heard the argument, because he came into our room at the height of it, pretending he needed something.

The next day my husband told the kids and I that my oldest will no longer be allowed in the home, and as a result my other daughters aren’t speaking to him and my son has been very short with him. This hasn’t helped to soothe his anger in the slightest, and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think it would have been fair for me to force my daughter to like him, and I believe she’s free to feel however she wants.

She’s always been respectful and polite to him. But my husband told his family what happened at dinner, and now they all think my eldest is acting out of jealousy and resentment. My MIL thinks I should have tried harder to help my daughter and husband get along when she was young, and that this conflict is my fault now. Did I cause this?

Then, a few days later, OP shared this update:

Okay clearly a lot has happened so I’m just going to try to summarize what I can. I really don’t want to go into a lot of details about this mainly bc I feel like a lot of this is a bit too much info to share on the internet. I originally just wanted to know if I f’d up at a birthday party, and now it’s turned into so much more.

My brother (18), my middle sister A(17), and I all use reddit. It’s why I made this account. I didn’t want them to find the last post. But my brother did end up seeing it shortly after I made it, and he sent it to my middle sister, who then amped up on dropping comments to our mom about checking Reddit out for herself.

A said she was hoping mom would see the post and get a dose of reality from my pov and the comments or even stumble upon a relationship/advice forum and find clarity there. Mom’s not big on social media but she’s wanted to get into it a bit so I guess A thought this was a good time to encourage her?

Long story short is that my mom made a post a day-ish after I did, and she found my post bc people pointed out the similarities and someone linked it. Someone else also sent her post to me.

My mom and I did sit down and talk like many of you suggested. She is fine and my siblings are okay too. My siblings and I have expressed how we feel about my stepdad/their dad but obviously we can’t do anything for our mom unless she’s willing to do it herself.

I will always have space for my family in my home, and I’ve sent money to my mom to help out with the kids before, so it’s not like I’m unable to provide her with some financial assistance to get away if she needed it. I do talk to my mom’s sister, and she knows about the situation too because I’ve pretty much vented to her about it my entire childhood, so I gave my mom her number just in case.

Bottom line is that mom is not planning on divorcing/leaving her husband. Though we all wish she would change her mind. I do want to thank all of you who were kind and offered genuine advice. I’m hoping that a few years from now my mom will get away from him and she and I can laugh at the fact that we accidentally cross posted different povs of the birthday dinner that led to her leaving a sh!tty marriage.

Like I said, I don’t want to say too much else for privacy reasons. I originally just expected a few opinions but this got way bigger than that and I am way too uncomfortable with an audience so I probably won’t be back with any other major updates. I’m just going to focus on my siblings and leave the door open for my mom if/when she accepts it.