Woman cancels mother's trip when she bills her for gas and meals during support visit. AITA?
"AITA for canceling my mother’s planned visit after billing me?"
Adept-Locksmith-8152
My mother (65) came to visit me (39f), her daughter, after I called her to share the news that I had received some troubling news about my health (I’m on the mend, worst is behind me).
She lives approximately 2 hours away from me. During the visit she signaled she planned to charge me for parking fees at the clinic she brought me to, among a couple of other expenses that she incurred helping me out that day.
I was fine with that. She’s not exactly swimming in it after retiring, though has some discretionary income, and, well, I’m a grown-up. In fact, I would have taken care of the parking fees (and other expenses) myself at the time if I wasn’t incapacitated. So totally fine and expected.
Where I stopped being fine was when she called me after the visit asking for a lot more money than I’d expected. After probing a bit, I discovered that she’d lumped in there an estimate of how much she’d spent on gas to come visit me and not just the pasta salad she bought for me at lunch (totally fine) but also the pasta salad she bought herself.
I’m happy to treat her for lunch, and often do, treated her for dinner that very night, but I found it odd she would just go ahead and add her lunch to the bill. I hadn’t offered and aren’t I the sick one? It was only 20 bucks altogether.
But the reason I canceled her visit tomorrow to come over and help some more was because I couldn’t believe she’d pass on her gas expenses to her sick adult child to visit her.
When she said she was coming to visit after learning of my condition, she omitted the part of her plan where she’d charge me for her gas to get here. Sure, she complained about the cost of gas when she arrived, but never did she share her plan to make me cover it.
She’s never done anything like this before. It’s not the money. It’s the principle. And I had no intention of paying for her to visit me tomorrow, too. I plan on sharing with her my feelings about all of this once I’ve given some thought to how I’ll navigate it with her.
I would feel so ashamed as a parent if roles were reversed. This whole thing makes me question why I haven’t billed her when I’ve gone to visit her after falling ill. Of course I could never bring myself to actually do that. The thought of it makes me feel sick. So AITA for canceling her visit?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
410Writer
First off, you're not the asshole for feeling miffed about being billed for your mom's visit. That’s a curve ball nobody wants, especially when you’re already dealing with health issues. Imagine being on a sinking ship and someone throws you a life preserver, then asks you to Venmo them for it. Not cool.
Your mom, bless her heart, probably has her own set of financial worries and may have thought, “Hey, my daughter’s a grown-up, she can chip in.” But expecting you to cover her gas and lunch costs, especially without a heads-up, is like inviting you to dinner and then handing you the check for the groceries. It’s the surprise factor that stings more than the actual cost.
You did the right thing by cancelling her next visit. It’s not about the $20 pasta salad; it’s about setting boundaries and maintaining your self-respect. You deserve to recuperate without feeling like you need an accountant to handle familial relationships.
When you do have that conversation with her, approach it with empathy but stand your ground. You might say something like, “Mom, I understand money can be tight, but I was really taken aback when you asked me to cover all those expenses. It made me feel like a client rather than your daughter, especially during such a tough time for me.”
If she genuinely didn’t realize how it came across, this could be an eye-opener for her. And if she did, well, it’s a good way to make it clear that this kind of transactional approach doesn’t fly in your relationship.
In the end, you’re not just questioning her actions but also protecting your own emotional well-being. And in this scenario, that’s not just okay—it’s essential. So, NTA. Take care of yourself first, and hopefully, your mom will come around to see things from your perspective.
latents
NTA. I’m imagining the conversation: “No thanks, Mom. Don’t bother visiting. My medical insurance doesn’t cover the fees.”
Modelsandtools
I would probe a bit first. Maybe she is struggling and hasn’t said anything. If this is odd behavior, you should check in on her first.
Next_Dragonfly_9473
I had no idea just how bad my mom's financial position was until she died. She had asked me to pay $100/month for keeping stuff in my old room even though she was the only one in the house (she was widowed and I'm an only child). I thought it was weird, but I didn't pry. I wish I hadn't been so obtuse.
SnooSketches6782
Yes, I'd be like "mom, I'm a little surprised at the bill you passed me for your visit. If you couldn't afford to come visit me, I wish you would have let me know in advance so we could figure something out before you drove down. Is everything okay?"
etds3
Yup. Has she recently gotten scammed out of money? Is she finding that her retirement income isn’t keeping up with inflation and she’s having trouble covering her expenses?
If there’s not some financial reason behind it, it could be a sign of declining mental acuity, which would also be worth knowing. When someone behaves atypically, you should go into “why” mode before “mad” mode. That is especially true with someone of advanced age.