'AITA for canceling our wedding after our rehearsal dinner was ruined by her mom and her family?'
"AITA for canceling our wedding after our rehearsal dinner was ruined by her mom and her family?"
My ( M39) ex fiancee ( Kelly F40) and I were together for 3 years. We are both divorced and have children from our previous relationships. I had kids with my ex wife and Kelly got married really young and divorced after 10 years, then met a guy and got pregnant within weeks and they tried to work things out but they couldn't.
We did have our challenges but always managed to pull through. We are both working class so when I proposed, we both agreed to either have a very small wedding or hold a larger event later because I would need to save up.
She doesn't have a job and I would need to save up for over a year. We skipped the big wedding and agreed on a ceremony and reception at her family's home ( where her aunts live).
Kelly and I planned for a very simple wedding to take place in the space at her family's backyard and the garage. Because I was paying for almost everything, they offered to let us use the space as our venue at no cost.
So I purchased the alcohol with exception to a few cases of beer, and paid for the rental chairs and tables. My groomsmen chipped in with a few things while I noticed that her family was very laid back. Don't get me wrong, it was my wedding and our responsibility.
But I noticed that she slowly began listening to them and wanted a few things that were not in our budget. So she wanted a floral arch, and I managed to get one. Her mom began pushing for more stuff to accommodate her family's ideas. We agreed on a bakery cake and MIL twisted her lips in disapproval. Those things felt annoying but manageable.
Fast forward and her big brother Justin ( M47) got depressed because he got dumped. The official story is that his “wealthy, *itchy ex gf decided to dump him and treated him badly’”.
I regretted letting him stay with us after I learned that he cheated on his ex. This bothered me a lot since his ex helped him out many times and did lots of things for his kids. Zero trust after that. Kelly and her siblings think that he's God because he took over the paternal role when her parents got divorced.
They give him way too much credit. The guy can't hold a job, can't even guide his children right and does lots of entertainment parenting but doesn't teach them responsibility. I can't stand him and Kelly knows it.
He can talk about his life during his 20s for a whole day and it's always about how women chased him, how an ex gf tried to unalive herself, how women had cat fights over him. I had to confront him about these weird stories to make him shut up.
As the wedding approached, it became more difficult to get Kelly's attention in our relationship. She started taking him on drives to check on his ex. I objected to this. Then he would constantly interrupt us to bring updates on his ex.
He only wanted to apply to online jobs and ended up trying to enroll me in something that didn't look serious at all. I asked her to make him leave but she got very angry and stopped talking to me.
Kelly and I had a huge argument that I'm sure he overheard. I went to take a shower and when I came out of the bathroom, I overheard him telling her that he didn't expect me to understand him because I'm too simple ( I can't remember his exact words) and said he doesn't expect a _________ (insert my job) to understand his life.
I immediately confronted him and not only did she deny everything I heard, but she basically took his side. I kicked him out and drove him to MIL'S with all his things. That was 4 months ago and her family never treated me the same.
We had our rehearsal dinner, which was supposed to be a very small gathering. My kids and her kids were present, as well as my parents and maybe 10 other people on my side. Her family kept showing up.
I know that her family cooked for the occasion aside from other things that we provided, but the point is that I was restricted from bringing people while her side of the list kept growing and showing up.
The worst part is that her mother got drunk. My family are very low key and a bit shy, and MIL is a belligerent drunk and started to act vulgar. I took her comments about me and Justin in stride just to keep the peace but my family felt uncomfortable and I knew that she was trying to insult me.
I pulled Kelly aside about 4 times to ask her to control her mother. To her credit, she tried to get her mom to sit down. Her family ( older Aunt and 2 cousins) also got drunk and got pretty loud.
By the time we were supposed to show some pictures on the monitor, nobody was paying attention and Justin was telling jokes and acting like the event was about him. The chairs had been pulled away from the tables and the burgers and hot dogs intended for the kids were missing.
I asked my parents to take my kids home and after raging inside for the whole night, I decided to ask my friends to help me load all the alcohol and stuff that I had contributed that were physically kept at her family's home into our cars.
Everyone went quiet after that. It was a complete train wreck. Kelly started crying and promised that her family would apologize. I didn't want to talk because her family used our rehearsal to party on my dime.
I went to stay with a friend. From all this, what hurts the most is that hers and my kids had to see the drunken spectacle and my parents had to see me in an embarrassing situation.
Kelly and I talked. She was very eager to fix things but while I still love her, I don't see myself repeating the experience. I knew her family wasn't perfect and of course mine isn't either, but I had very little support from her.
She says that her family were just being “a big family” talking among themselves and being loud, and that while she understood that I was offended, I caused a scene and she didn't disown me.
I haven't been able to sleep because I feel empty and alone. It took a lot from me but I decided that we should cancel the wedding. I never want to see her mom or her brother again and I will never ask her to cut them off because despite everything, it's not fair and she will hate me.
Also, she would never do it and the fact that my parents said they would support whatever I decided but they would prefer not to attend my wedding but would go anyway because they wouldn't do that to me really stung. So my family was ignored and I was treated poorly and I'm supposed to act like nothing happened?
Kelly didn't take the cancellation very well but I just can't do this. I said I will pay the remaining portion of the lease to avoid getting her and her kids kicked out but our relationship is over. I already removed my things to avoid dragging a painful break up.
I know I will never go back, but her words about not disowning me hurt me because despite feeling that I'm on the right, I feel like I failed her somehow. Like she feels that I gave up and that she feels my walking out was far worse. AITA??
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
"We are both working class"
"She doesn't have a job"
🚩🚩🚩NTA
Holy hell you really dodged a bullet. Please tell us you know this. You were nothing but an ATM to her. As soon as you ended that she and her family freaked out. I know it may not feel like it now, but you will be SO glad this breakup happened in a few months. I wish you peace.
Bullet dodged. Don't fall for the incoming love bomb. Ignore and block all flying monkeys.
Dodged the proverbial bullet. Sounds like the red flags were coming fast and furious. Good luck mate.
You can get past having a crappy family as long as you have united front. She wasn’t willing to take your side therefore she wasn’t willing to put you first as her partner. Why would you get married to her?
She lied to his face, telling him he didn't hear what he clearly heard. This is much bigger than not taking his side. She's willing to actively lie to him to protect her family.