'AITA for cancelling my wedding because my fiancé made a major life decision without telling me?'
"AITA for cancelling my wedding because my fiancé made a major life decision without telling me?"
sweet-honeyyyy
I hope you can give me some advice. I (28F) have been with my fiancé(32M) for six years, and we always talked about moving to a new city someday, but it was something we’d decide together when the time was right.
Last week, out of nowhere, I found out through a mutual friend that he had accepted a job in another state. Not only that, but he had already signed a lease for an apartment—without ever mentioning it to me. I was completely blindsided.
When I confronted him, he brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and said, “I figured you'd be fine with it after the wedding.” I couldn’t believe he thought it was okay to make such a huge decision without even talking to me.
He said he didn’t want to “stress me out” before the wedding, which just made me feel even more ignored. It was like my opinion didn’t matter at all. This wasn’t just about a new job; it felt like a complete betrayal of trust.
I had always believed we were a team, making big decisions together, but now I was questioning everything. After a lot of thought, I decided to put the wedding on hold. I needed time to figure out if I could marry someone who would make life-changing decisions without consulting me first. If he could do this now, what would happen in the future?
When I told my family and friends, their reactions were mixed. My mom thinks I’m overreacting and that we should just go ahead with the wedding, but my best friend agrees that this is a huge red flag.
My fiancé, on the other hand, is furious, saying I’m making a big deal out of “one little thing.” But to me, it’s not little—it’s a sign of how we might handle important things in the future.
So, AITA for canceling the wedding because he made such a huge decision without me? Or should I forgive him and move forward? I’m torn between feeling justified in my reaction and wondering if I’m being unreasonable.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Good_Ice_240
NTA What about your job? Your family? Friends? Your Life? Sounds like he was just expecting you to fall in line like a good little wifey once you were married.
sweet-honeyyyy (OP)
Exactly! It feels like he didn’t consider how this would impact my entire life. Marriage should be a partnership where both people’s lives and choices are respected, not just one person making all the decisions.
catinnameonly
Your feels are exactly this. “I am the man of the house once we are married. My desires, needs, accomplishments will be met first. Your opinion is just decoration and doesn’t hold value.”
This is exactly what he took away from you. Your mom is focusing on the wedding and not what comes after. This would have all been moot had he just shared the fact he was planning on applying for this job. When he got the job you had some say in where you will be living. He took your power away sis. This is a huge red flag.
Melykinzzz98
Exactly. NTA. Making a major life decision like moving without discussing it with you, especially right before the wedding, is a big red flag. It's not just "one little thing", it shows a lack of communication and disregard for your partnership. Putting the wedding on hold to figure things out is needed given the circumstances.
Mapilean
NTA.
“I figured you'd be fine with it after the wedding.”
As in "you'd be trapped, by then"?
"He said he didn’t want to 'stress me out' before the wedding."
Meaning, he didn't want a possible refusal on your part to interfere with his plans. Don't marry him and be grateful that this trait of his personality came to light before you married him. I call it a bullet dodged.
Atlantic_Nikita
NTA. That's not a red flag, that the whole comunist party flag. He does not respect you enough to talk to you about something so big, you are probably overlooking other very red flags. If I was you I would break up on the spot. He doesn't see you as a person.
sweet-honeyyyy (OP)
I completely agree! It’s alarming how little respect he showed by making such a big decision without involving me. If he can’t value my opinion on something this important, I can’t help but wonder what else he might overlook in our relationship...
countryboy1101
NTA and it appears that your opinion does not matter to him in the least. He not only took a new job in a new town but traveled there more than once to interview and select a new place for you both to live. You were allowed ZERO input on where you will live with your new husband.
THIS IS NOT A RED FLAG - THIS IS A HUGE ROADSIDE BILLBOARD that he does not view you as an equal partner. Do not get married to this person as it is much more difficult to divorce than put a wedding on hold.
ConfusedAt63
So, if the situation were reversed, such as you postponing the wedding, he is upset bc you are doing the same exact thing, making a decision without his input or discussion? Oh my, (clutching my pearls) isn’t that the definition of hypocrite?
Your family just wants the wedding, the celebration but not concerned that you are possibly marrying a person that would make unilateral decisions without your inclusion? Is your family just trying to dump you? It sounds like it.