'AITA for not offering to care for my unwell ex-husband?' UPDATED
"AITA for not offering to care for my unwell ex-husband?"
I (56f) have been married to my wife "Angela" (56f) for a year and we're planning our first anniversary celebration with a trip overseas. I was very excited to spend this time with my wife but unfortunately my ex-husband "Dan" (58m) recent hospitalization is putting a damper on my plans.
Backstory: I met Dan in college and we got married shortly after graduating when we found out that I was pregnant. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but looking back it was a bad idea. I resented having to put my career aspirations on hold in order to be the full time caregiver and Dan resented having to be the main financial provider.
However, this did not stop him from constantly bringing it up whenever I asked him to help with the kids or the home. He also never defended me when his mother would stop by (unannounced) and the household wasn't up to "the Queen's standard."
I felt so exhausted and trapped and if it weren't for my kids Junior (34), Sarah (32f), Michelle (29f) and Mike (29m) I would've left years ago. Unfortunately, Dan did not have the same values as me and blindsided me with divorce papers. It was a rough process but after the first year of our divorce being finalized I got my groove back and within the next four years I was able to get a nice apartment and good career.
Present Day: A couple of weeks ago Dan was rushed to the hospital and while the doctors were able to save him, his health took a turn for the worse. His wife is now essentially working to provide for their kids, while her parents watch them to save on daycare.
I learned all of this through my children as I do not care to have any direct contact with Dan, but almost every time I talk to them they always bring up how stressed and tired they are over having to look after their father.
I thought I was just being a sympathetic ear but a couple of days ago my children came together to confront me about my lack of willingness to offer assistance to their father and as their mother I should want to care for him to make their own lives easier.
My children know that while I have a full time job I can make up my own hours and they want me to come into his house at least twice a week to make sure he's clean and fed or pay for a nurse to come do it. I refused stating that Dan and I have been divorced for years and that their stepmom can handle that.
That's when they told me that she didn't care about their dad like they do and is most likely hoping for him to pass so she can collect on his insurance policy as the legal wife.
My daughter Sarah then began to cry and asked me if I cared whether or not she had a dad anymore while Junior and Mike thought that I was being bitter. Michelle asked me to put them first and that I can reschedule my anniversary trip with Angela. My former In Laws are also calling me to say that I need to do this and that I'd be a horrible mom. AITA?
Here's what people had to say:
CandylandCanada said:
NTA! It's genuinely sad how little your children and former in-laws care about your happiness. It must have been very difficult for you to hear those selfish words from your own kids. It raises the question as to whether anyone ever took your part during the marriage or its dissolution.
Dan is not your problem. His wife and their children are not your problem. Your kids are all fully-functioning adults who need to put on their big girl/big boy panties and deal with this situation on their own.
Go with Angela; perhaps the time together will help you to heal from the hurt caused by the insensitive and demanding people back home. At the very least, it will reinforce that you made the right choice by starting a new life with her.
keepitquiet87 said:
I can’t believe how they are trying to guilt you into doing this! You are NTA. Put your existing marriage and yourself first. Dan is your EX and he burned any goodwill when he decided to divorce you. Let his current wife deal with him. Hold fast against the pressure and enjoy your time away with Angela.
And somethingstrange87 said:
NTA. You have no responsibility to your ex-husband.
Three months later, she shared this update:
First, a few people seemed to be confused so let me be clear, I am a woman who is married to another woman. My own parents passed away years ago so their opinion is irrelevant. My wife and I both have children from previous relationships but we didn't meet until after our children were adults so my wife and I are the only ones who have lived together.
Now on to what almost everyone else cares about the most. I went on cruise! It was great and my wife and I had a really great time. My children were predictably unhappy and I'm sure that my temporary blocking of them didn't make it better.
Most of my children kept calling and telling me that I was a selfish and awful woman for choosing to go on the vacation instead of being there for the family, but (like many have you have stated) I reminded them that their father divorced me and therefore my obligations to him ended. If it were any of them that had a medical need I would cancel without question but I would not for their father.
I thought I could leave it at that but because they kept calling and texting the first three days of the trip and that's when I decided to block. Unfortunately, my ex's health took a turn for the worse and he had to go back to the hospital and his lack of proper care triggered an investigation. I didn't know any of this until I unblocked my kids the day I got back and some of them blamed me.
I've come to the conclusion that they're all just mad at the situation and I'm a convenient villain. I've accepted this because I can understand the fear and anger of facing the idea of losing a parent that you love. I just hope that one day we can all sit down with a family therapist and mediate the situation.
However, this did start to trigger my past tendencies of sacrificing my own happiness and well being for my children, but my wife, therapist, and even a small piece of my inner self had to remind me that my children are adults and that my ex isn't my responsibility.
I tried to reach out and so far most of my children aren't talking to me and have made it very clear that I will not be able to see my grandchildren as a punishment. It's sad, and I'm still wrestling with the guilt and doubt, but my wife and stepchildren are being very supportive, while my other family is a mix and most of my friends are neutral.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Info: why don’t the kids take care of their dad if they care? Ask them why don’t they take care of him if they’re so concerned?
I stated this in the comments of the original post but my kids all have families and full jobs of their own and they live about forty-five minutes to an hour away. They initially started to take turns but they said that they're all exhausted and are starting to feel the pressure from their spouses about not being home.
My ex's wife is now working full time and says she has her hands full their own two kids, my ex had two kids with her, so she's not in a position to give him the care he needs and she won't allow money to be spent on a home care nurse.
I live much closer, I didn't realize when my wife and I moved in because I didn't know my ex's address at the time, and I have a job where I can make up my own schedule so my kids wanted me to come around and help my ex.
So, what you're saying is that all of them are putting themselves first. They're not coming together with a plan to help your ex. For instance, they could all have chipped in to pay the home care nurse.
Also, forgive me if I'm coming in too strong. If his current wife is neglecting him, and he's getting worse, health wise, your kids would have grounds to take the caregiving away from her. See, if this was my father, I would be pushing for a power of attorney to make decisions about his health, his care, and his finances.
"Also, forgive me if I'm coming in too strong. If his current wife is neglecting him, and he's getting worse, health wise, your kids would have grounds to take the caregiving away from her." I think that's what the investigation is for.
I wonder, did your children ever ask his current wife if she was okay with you coming to her house while she is at work to nurse your ex?
Because even if it just a medical necessity there are conflicting feelings involved in the level of physical intimacy that kind of job requires.
I don't have a definite answer to that and I don't want to ask on the grounds that I don't want to seem like I'd actually consider taking care of him.