Childfree aunt offends struggling sister at family dinner table; 'I want money.' AITA?
"AITA for saying 'I don't want kids, I want money' at the dinner table and offending my sister?"
My sister has a 5 month old baby. Her and her boyfriend are not struggling financially, but their standard of living has very much decreased since giving birth. They can afford the necessities, but they can't go on vacation, can't go out to eat and can't afford a babysitter.
They also just moved into a cheaper apartment. My mom has been asking my sister and the baby to move in with her so they can save money (my sister said no). For more context, my sister's boyfriend makes a little less than minimum wage.
He only works part-time at a restaurant to focus on creating his music. When my sister announced they were trying for a baby, my mom was really worried (and she's still worried) about their financial situation.
My sister is the primary income source for their household and my mom has been giving them some money every month. I make a little more than my sister but I don't have kids.
So last night, all of us came together for dinner. My sister kept asking me when I'm going to have kids and I said I don't plan on having kids. She said I'll change my mind (I'm almost 30). I said I probably won't and she kept pressing me on why.
I finally just said "I don't want kids, I want money" and she got really quiet. When the dinner was over, she left a voicemail to my mom crying about how I attacked her and my mom is mad at me. My mom wants me to apologize to my sister.
To be clear, I do think my sister is in a nightmare situation but I would have said I wanted money even if she didn't have a baby. I've always thought I'm not meant for parenthood and I'd rather just be the cool, fun aunt that travels a lot and buys big presents for my nieces/nephews.
I didn't mean to insult her and I've never once commented on her financials or relationship because it's not my place. AITA and should I apologize?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
Analyst_Lady said:
NTA. this is one of those things where context matters. If you were sitting at dinner and just randomly blurted out "I don't want kids, I want money" that would be an AH thing to say to your sister. But when she starts asking when you're gonna have kids, and especially when she refused to drop it, she's asking for a response like this.
Nimbupani2000 said:
NTA. Just OP you may consider that you could have phrased it differently. Still she asked, you answered truthfully. I have one kid. I constantly get the 'there should be 2 kids. First one needs a playmate' from my family.
My response is consistently "I can't afford another kid and live the lifestyle I want". We are very comfortably off. We can go on international vacations etc but if we have 2 kids, the trips would go from every year to once in 2 years. Not to mention thinking before buying most new toys/clothes.
So this works for us. My friends who earn in same range and have 2/3 kids are always making those sacrifices and that's not what I want. Kids are expensive. There is nothing wrong in saying you don't want one because for your ideal lifestyle you can't budget for them.
Over-Pie3100 said:
NTA. Your sister pressured you into giving a deeper comment, when telling her you don’t have the desire to have kids and can’t see that changing anytime soon should have been enough.
The only reason I can see her getting so hurt from your response is that it hit very close to the truth of her situation and that it was something she had been thinking herself.
NTA, but your sister and mother are soft TA for pressuring you for the response that they wanted to hear and overreacting when they didn’t get it.
Melzilla79 said:
She asked. You answered. She didn't like your answer? That's on her for pressing you for one in the first place. You didn't attack her, you pissed her off by being honest, and that's not your fault at all.
NTA and I don't think you owe her an apology, but a conversation is a good idea. It sounds like she's actually pretty upset herself about her finances and your response touched a nerve.
Maybe start with something like, "Hey, it wasn't my intention to offend you in any way, and I'm honestly confused as to why this upset you so much. I gave you my honest answer after being pressured, and I can't help feeling like maybe this is really about something else."
MaisyDaisyBlue said:
NTA, she shouldn’t have kept pushing you about having a baby once you had answered her. I hate it when people repeatedly force a question until you give them the answer they want. You don’t have to justify not wanting kids to her.
General_Relative2838 said:
NTA. Kids are expensive. You stated a fact. I have two. I’d rather have them than money, but I understand other people have different priorities. But I think your sister’s question was obnoxious. It’s wrong to ask someone when they’re going to have a baby.
Some people don’t want children. Others struggle with infertility. Some people want to be married first. But the fact is that nothing could be less anyone else’s business than another person’s family planning.
SilentFlower8909 said:
NTA. I really believe that peeps who insist that you will regret not having kids, just want you to suffer with them. Sister chose to have kids, and she is finding out that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. Live your life.
LowBalance4404 said:
NTA. You were pressed and gave an honest answer about your preferred lifestyle. You did nothing wrong. Your sister did by pressing the question and then not liking the truthful answer.