'AITA for wanting to divorce my husband over my SIL's kids?'
"AITA for wanting to divorce my husband over my SIL's kids?"
I (F29) knew from a young age I don't ever want to have or raise children. I met my husband in college and he was decidedly childfree too. We got married a couple of years back.
My husband's younger sister (F24) has three kids (M5, M & F 2) with different dead beat guys. Two months ago she left all of them at our house, said she was going on a errand and never came back. Just left. We filed a report and everything. Last we heard she was safe but did not want to come back.
My husband's mom is a minimum wage worker barely scrapping by. She used to be a single mom and do not want to raise these kids. I don't want to raise them either. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for them.
But raising kids is a huge responsibility I don't want to take up. In the 2 months they were here, our expense has increased, we had to buy them clothes and stuff, and they are sleeping in our living room on air mattresses (we only have one bedroom).
I had to work from home and look after them cause my husband could not get wfh and daycare for 3 is expensive. It has been really rough to say the least.
CPS did get involved and asked us whether we want to keep the kids or not. I do not. I thought my husband would be on the same page but he wants to keep the kids. CPS has asked us to decide quickly and make necessary changes (get a bigger home for one).
My husband and I have gone back and forth on this. I cannot live the next 16 years like this. Raising kids is hard. And expensive. But he wants to be there for his family. Which I get. So yesterday I told him I want a divorce. Quickly, before he made any commitments and dragged me into it with him.
He called me a AH for divorcing over kids. For abandoning him when he needed me. I told him he knew my boundaries well in advance and this was a commitment (children) that he is unilaterally deciding on. AITA?
EDITS:
He leaves before 7 am and reaches back home only after 8 pm. In the morning he barely helps cause he has to get ready for work. Still lets give him 2 hours for that, generously. He helps with kids after he reaches (around a hour or 2). He has off only on Sunday. Where he still do not take care of kids himself and needs my help.
I tried telling him I need the day to work but he keeps disturbing me every 5 mins wanting something. Basically I am never off the clock and he is barely on it. Yesterday was the first day he did it all (or tried to) himself. And it was a disaster. The details are in a comment.
This is to hopefully make you understand, while he took the admirable decision to raise them, he is not raising them. I would be. Wanting to make a selfless decision is admirable as long as you do it. Not volunteer someone else.
This is not relevant but it is increasingly annoying when 1 out of 5 comments are telling me about wedding vows. We did not do traditional wedding vows. We do not believe in till death do us part. Our vows did include not having children.
Our vow was to stay together till staying apart made us happier than staying together will. Staying in a toxic relationship where you hate each others guts just because you made a vow was never appealing to us.
Here's what the top commenters had to say here:
NoPublic2016 said:
I can’t fault either of them. Only AH here is the sister.
Jean19812 said:
Nta. Isn't abandoning your kids a crime?? Also, depending on your income, there may be child care subsidies. Our church ran a daycare (daycare and after school care) and accepted the government certificate and did not charge the low-income parents the balance.
MaryVonDerInsel said:
NAH - except SIL. It would be a bigger mess if you play along and choose later to leave. If this isn’t for you - go. Not everybody needs to be a mother or a selfless saint - we just have this one life and your life choices matter as much as your husband‘s and if you choose differently then unfortunately this relationship comes to an end.
Patrickosplayhouse said:
While some may think you a hard person for your decision, you are NTA. You had this crazy idea that you would get to remain child free, when you married someone who also wanted to be child free.
It's not like you're not agreeing on what temp to set the furnace, or what color to paint the kitchen. This is about as HUGE as it gets, and he made the choice he made, without caring about your feelings.
wise_guy_ said:
NTA. I'm worried for you about the case where he gives in and agrees to not keep them so that you guys don't get divorced. Since then I'm sure he'll resent you forever.
rncat91 said:
NTA- you say until they’re 18 but any parent knows that it doesn’t end there. If you choose this the rest of your life with be effected, permanently. Not to mention that these kids are going to have major a abandonment issues with not having the bio parents in the picture.