'AITA for giving my childhood best friend an ultimatum about attending my wedding?'
"AITA for giving my childhood best friend an ultimatum about attending my wedding?"
New_Mine_6385
I’ve been called a bridezilla for this so I’m open to honest feedback. Ella and I have been friends since first grade. Ella has another childhood friend, Cam, who she’s known since kindergarten. We’re currently all 26.
Background info:
Cam and I were friends as kids but naturally drifted as we aged into adolescence/adulthood. We were almost always on friendly terms. Ella and I grew closer as we got older. All 3 of us attended the same college (big state school).
Ella and I lived together all 4 years, and I found that Cam became competitive with me throughout college. Like if I went on a date, Cam would ask the same guy out.
When I got an internship, Cam submitted an application and asked to be considered even though the position was closed. I joined a nice gym off campus, Cam joined the same one.
I babysat throughout college- Cam found some of the moms through my Facebook and messaged them offering her babysitting services. When I started dating my fiance, long-distance at the time, Cam got his number from Ella and texted asking to meet and grab drinks.
Ella is the most passive person I know. She will do whatever she is being pressured into. I’m not a pushy person, I don’t feed the need. Cam is extremely pushy and does not like to take ‘no’ for an answer.
Because of this, there’ve been many times growing up where Ella and I had plans, and she cancelled last minute because Cam wanted to hang with her. She’s shown me text chains where she said no to Cam 5+ times but Cam keeps pushing.
Ella needs to assert actual boundaries but whatever. I value her as a person despite this and I simply stopped viewing most plans with Ella as serious with some exceptions such as a non-refundable vacation. And my wedding.
I’m getting married in June. Ella is a bridesmaid. Save the Dates went out a year ago. We didn’t invite Cam but she’s aware of it. Last week Ella received a Save the Date for Cam’s wedding, the day after mine on the other side of the country. Impossible to attend both.
Ella has been desperately trying to figure out what to do. Cam asked her to be the MoH. I got a call from Ella yesterday crying that Cam’s pressuring her. Ella said for a “compromise” she’ll attend my rehearsal and spend the whole day before my wedding with me, then spend my actual wedding day flying out to Cam.
I said no. I told her it’s ultimately her choice to decide which wedding to attend, but she’s not welcome to attend my rehearsal if she’s voluntarily skipping the wedding. I reminded her that she said yes to being my bridesmaid almost a year ago and that she’s been prioritizing plans w Cam, pressure or not, over plans with me for our whole lives.
I said I will understand whatever choice she makes, but I will also not be willing to continue a friendship with her if she won’t honor this commitment. Ella is distraught and begging me to reconsider. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Lazuli_Rose
NTA. If Ella hasn't grasped the situation by now she's not going to. Let her be Cam's dutiful buttlicker until Cam finds no more use for her, which will probably be right about the time that Cam finds out you are done with the bull.
notforcommentinohgoo
Even leaving all Cam's behaviour aside, the event that Ella already accepted takes precedence, so she's still wrong to even consider attending Cam's.
facinationstreet
Rather than continue to pressure her with threats (a la Cam), just walk away. You should have done this many years ago, unfortunately.
keesouth
NTA. It should be completely obvious at this point what Cam is doing. It's time for Ella's to decide if she's going to continue to put up with it or if she's going to call Cam on her BS.
PyrBox01
NTA. Geez, Ella committed to you over a year ago, and now is flip flopping because of Cam's wedding, and SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. She must be on the dense side too. I think your stand with Ella is just fine.
owls_and_cardinals
Wow I was ready to go another way but NTA. At this point Ella's spinelessness combined with Cam's TRULY bizarre and stalker-y behavior is becoming painful and harmful to you. It's ok to have a boundary against a friend you can't count on.
As your wedding has been planned for a YEAR at this point, the obvious answer is for Ella to decline Cam's invitation but you can't control what she does and in my eyes her offer of a compromise is not acceptable.
To me it's perfectly fine for you to say essentially 'Ella, it is your call, but I don't accept your offer of being my bridesmaid UP TO the point of the wedding itself, so if you're going to go to Cam's, you'll be dropping out of my event entirely.
And you should know, after all this time, if you do that it will significantly change our relationship so don't think you can drop out on me without harming our friendship, because you will.' Ultimately it may be time for you to call it with Ella, and that's not your fault and needing to do that does not make you TA.