'AITA for refusing to spend Christmas with my mom and her husband?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for turning down a Christmas dinner invitation from my mom's family?"

So I (21 F) am currently in university and live on a dorm, using my own money and everything. My mom (40 F) had me when she was 19. My dad joined the military to provide and so he was gone most of the time. My parents split up when I was young and my mom and I moved across the country.

My mom started dating again when I was a teenager and it was like I became invisible. When she married Gregory (50 M) it became even different. I grew really resentful when my mom had a new baby and I'll admit that it wasn't healthy and neither was my attitude. When the time for university came, I got a good enough scholarship and moved out.

I am honestly surprised they noticed I was even gone. I've gotten two texts from my mom a year: happy birthday and happy new years. Only this year did I get a third text and that's just to announce I have a new baby sister.

So I got an email the other day that was pretty much an invite to a Christmas dinner that they were hosting and it seems like a lot of extended family are going to be there. I don't want to be there so I declined the invite. Yesterday I got a phone call from my mom crying about me deciding not to come for the dinner and really wanting to see me.

Then Gregory took the phone and all but called me an a$$hole while scolding me. It's made me feel a little bad because she's still my mom and I feel like I should just go for her sake.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

MORGBORG_on_YT said:

NTA. They weren't there for you when you needed them. That's literally a parent's job.

[deleted] said:

Only texts from your mom each year? No phone calls until now? NTA.. You do what suits you. They've treated you like an acquaintance since she started dating and eventually married. It would be only normal for you to not wish to attend. Why waste a holiday with people who treat you that way. Your mother's husband's insults prove how he's felt all along. All the best to you.

Responsible_Judge007 said:

Absolutely NTA. Just because they want play “happy family” for the other family members doesn’t mean you need to play too. I bet your other family members doesn’t know that you are estranged from your Mother and her husband, like making excuses when you aren’t home for birthdays and stuff because you are busy with Uni…

And now that the others will be coming, there will be questions if you don’t come around because “faaaammmilyyyy” and stuff.

Let me tell you: If you don’t want to go, then don’t go! Don’t let them guilt tripping you! You owe them or especially your mother NOTHING!

And [deleted] said:

NTA. If your mom doesn’t feel the need to stay in contact other than holidays, you aren’t obligated to run home just because she asks you to. And the fact that she didn’t tell Gregory to mind his own damn business is ridiculous.

She later shared this first update:

So my mom's Christmas party went and passed this past Friday and I figured I'd make this post as an update. Like I thought, my mom phoned me back because my grandma made her. She asked to meet me in person but I said I didn't feel comfortable. She said she could bring Gregory or grandma if it would help.

I said hell no to Gregory which surprised her but I did agree to grandma. After snow issues, we met in a coffee shop with grandma claiming she would be a mediator. I looked at my post to see your guys' advice to I dunno guide me before I left.

I admitted to mom I didn't want to see her but thought this call would clear the air. I asked why barely only two texts a year and she said Gregory told her college kids didn't need their moms and she would be interfering.

I asked why she couldn't at least phone me to invite me and she said Gregory told her sending an evite made me on the same level as the other relatives and I would like being respected. That made no sense to me and I got so mad.

I asked why she even wanted me there when she would treat me like extended family. She told me when I was gone seeing how Gregory treated their kids made her realize she'd neglected me. She'd been going to therapy and wanted us to mend things. I pointed out listening to Gregory about me then was the dumbest possible thing she could do since he never liked me.

I knew I'd start crying like a little bitch so I started ranting about how I'd rather not meet my half-siblings since I know I'd resent them (they don't deserve that), how my extended family also cast me out, how everyone blamed therapy not working on me. My mom was shocked and even more shocked when grandma took my side in everything.

I told her I was really sorry that I made her cry and it didn't make me feel better. She forgave me on that but told me it wasn't my fault and she deserved it. My mom asked if I'd ever come home and I said that Gregory would either need to apologize or die.

That was a bit harsh since I don't want him to die so I said if he leaves forever is good too. My mom said she understood, started crying, apologized like a hundred times and asked if she could text or phone me more often. I said sure because it still makes me feel like sh!t to see my mom cry.

Since then, mom has texted me and called me every day but hasn't tried to force things. I did not go to the party since Gregory has not apologized. Grandma has been stayinat witht hem and things aren't too good between them. They had big fights over him refusing to say sorry and how they treated me and aren't talking.

I don't want my mom's marriage to end for the sake of her other kids but I can't lie it feels good to not be ignored. Apparently mom wants to meet on Christmas or Christmas Eve, as long as grandma comes I'll let her but I don't know if we'll ever be close again. So thanks guys, your advice really did help and I am feeling better mentally.

Commenters weighed in:

rr2angel11 said:

Good job sticking to your boundaries! I'm happy your mom is showing growth in realizing what was wrong and I hope your relationship improves even if you're not super close. Also, a hell yeah to your amazing grandma for sticking by your side and acting as mediator! I hope you have a good Christmas and that things keep getting better for you

OP responded:

Merry Christmas to you too! I don't know if things will ever get better but her at least acknowledging she was wrong means something to me even if I don't know what it is. And I really do love my grandma and I'm happy that other people think she's great too!

My_Dramatic_Persona said:

I’m glad that your mother is understanding that she did a disservice to you, and agrees that she neglected you. That’s showing a lot more understanding and contrition than many mothers we see on here manage.

I’d encourage you to see if you can build a relationship with your mother now, one that probably won’t include Gregory. If it’s just painful for you, then you can cut it off. But it sounds like something more positive than that is possible. Please don’t feel like you owe it to your past self to cut your mother off or keep her at arms length if she is a positive in your life now.

OP responded:

I don't see myself ever being around her if grandma isn't there too. I'm happy that she knows she was wrong but I don't know if I can trust her enough to give her a second chance to be my mom. And as for Gregory? I think she's finally gotten the message that I hate him.

She later shared this second update:

So, I did meet with my mom (grandma came too as per instructions) for lunch. We didn't talk about Gregory or anything. It was just a short meeting over coffee. We just talked about school, the engineering program I'm in, guys I've dated and stuff. I guess it was nice to talk about myself even if it was awkward.

She did ask me to spend more time with grandma and that made grandma smirk (which means grandma kept her promise about never revealing we hang out). I paid for mom as a gift and she gave me an old baby photo of me that she got redeveloped as a gift. I thought that was nice.

I let her hug me goodbye, she didn't cry this time so I don't feel like crap. It still feels weird and I know it will for a long time, maybe forever. It's hard letting go of hurt but it is what it is. Hope you guys have a good Christmas!