'AITA for not wanting to co-own a house with my husband?' + MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for not wanting to co-own a house with my husband?"
Here is the background: My(F30) husband(M35) comes from a wealthy family, and he works for the family business. When we met (7.5 years ago) I was a fresh college graduate, working a minimum wage job and neck deep in student loans. We got married very fast (8 months after meeting) and I had met his parents all of 3 times.
His parents insisted that I sign a prenup, and I inderstand them completely, if my child was in the same situation I would have made the same decision. This prenup pretty much says that in the event of a divorce I get nothing, unless he cheats then I get alimony.
Also finances (debts, properties and savings) are completely separate unless both our names are on the asset. I asked to amend it so that he gets nothing too and they all agreed that it was fair.
The house we live in is owned by his parents and the car he drives is a company car. We have a joint account for monthly expenses (groceries, utilities, landscaping...etc) that we put in equal ammounts.
Over these last 7 years I have been able to get a good job, pay off all my loans (not having to pay for housing is a huge bonus) and I saved about 35% for a down payment on a house and a substantial emergency fund.
On the other hand, I know that my husband has credit card debts since he is of the mindset: buy it now and pay it off later, he has no asset to his name except for a 401k. No savings at all.
Even though my in-laws are great, and they consider this house as ours and not theirs, I want something to my name, I want to have a house that is my own to change how I want and to be proud of. Over the years my husband to even contemplate the idea of buying a house.
I started looking and finally found the house of my dreams, and suddenly my husband did a 180 and wants to co-own the house with me. His idea is that I put the down payment, pay another 15% and he pays for the other 50%. That way we are equal owners. I do not want to do that.
I know my husband and he will not be able to pay his part of the mortgage, sometimes his share of the monthly expenses is transferred by his parents, as well as them always paying off some of his debts. Now he won't even talk with me, says if I don't agree to co-owning with him then he won't move in with me at all, that it shows that I don't trust him. So what are your advices on this whole mess?
TLDR: our finances are completely separate per a prenup he asked for, I saved all of the down payment after he refused to buy a house, now he wants to co-own with me but I don't think he will be capable of paying the mortgage.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
favoritesweater99 said:
Absolutely talk to an attorney. I would be concerned that the house could be considered a marital asset even if it’s in only your name, since it will have been purchased while you are married. NTA
OP responded:
I already did, the prenup was detailed enough that nothing without both our names on the titles is considered the property of the sole owner.
RandomStranger94 said:
NTA, he did not want to save for a house that's why he didn't want to buy one, but now that you did the hard part he suddenly wants to reap benifits he did not sow. Buy your house and enjoy it.
Teacher-Investor said:
NTA - You're smart for not doing what he wants. Think about it. He's going to inherit a lot. That's why he's not concerned about saving or investing. If you were to put his name on the house, and then you divorce, he's going to take half of your assets and you get none of his because his parents are shrewdly keeping them in their names.
Explain to him that you have to invest and protect yourself to ensure your future while he does not. Also, check your state laws. In my state, women can own property separately from their husband, but a man's property, whether acquired before or during the marriage, automatically becomes community property (but not in the case of your prenup).
Just make sure that in your state a wife's property does not automatically become community property. That was smart of you to make that amendment to the prenup, though. Similarly, if you start buying stocks or other assets, don't put his name on the account in case of a divorce (maybe only as a beneficiary, if you want).
Here's a thought. Why don't you buy the house as an investment and just rent it out for now? That way, if you're not going to live there, he may not be so insistent on adding his name to the title. Tell him it's a business investment.
OR, if you really want to live there, tell him you'll only add his name if he's willing to amend the prenup again and specifically exclude it from community property. You would also want to amend the prenup if you have children.
Realistic-Animator-3 said:
NTA. His parents insisted on a prenup to protect their assets. He agreed, you agreed. It should come as no surprise to him or his parents that you wish to protect YOUR assets.
OP responded:
His parents are not even part of this discussion, his mom was happy for me buying my first house and was the one that recommended the realtor for me
NoTomorrow8907 said:
Add an addendum to the prenuptial through the lawyers that the house will either go to you or he repay the extra money you put in
In the comments, OP added:
My husband was the one that brought it up. He was very straightforward about the whole thing. He said that he had an obligation to his parents' company, that they did not know me well enough (like I said we met 3 times before he proposed) and that they would feel better if we had a prenup.
He also said that they will be paying for any lawyer of my choice to go over it with their lawyer, and that I was welcome and actually encouraged to put forth any clauses I needed to feel equally protected by said prenup.
Then I had a dinner with his mom, and she made sure to tell me that she did not disapprove of me or think that I was marrying her son just for her money, that she would have insisted on a prenup even if he married someone more wealthy than him. That it was simply the done thing.
After we fot married I got to know them well we had another discussion about the prenup, they explained their position again and I said, again, that I understood and appreciated it.
Two weeks later, she shared this update:
So a lot happend since I last posted. First I took some advice from here and tried to communicate why I really wanted the house and why I did not feel comfortable in having his name on the deed, including the fact he has $600k of debt and he would drive the interest up if he even got approved.
He still didn't like it and continued with his ultimatum: either we own together or I move alone and he stays in his parents' house. Then my realtor told me that I got the house and I went ahead and closed on it. I own my own house. As a formerly homeless person I don't even know how to explain how good that felt.
Then I involved the in-laws. At first they wanted to smooth things like they usually do by offering to pay off the whole house, and if I insist on paying for my part I can pay them back. I of course declined because that is not what I wanted. They managed to talk him into going with me to get marriage and financial counseling. I aired A LOT of my feelings and we reached a resolution.
Since I got a 15 years fixed mortgage, he has 7 years to pay off at least 1/3 of his debt, get no new debt at all and be 100% responsible for his share of our expenses (no more getting his parents to help him if he's short). If he does that for 7 years then his name gets added to the house and he pays off the remaining 50%.
Until then I am 100% responsible for all expenses related to the upkeep and maintenance of the house. Also we are moving in as soon as I am done with some minor upgrades to the house. I don't want to get my hopes up, I actually am almost 100% that he wouldn't be able to stick to it. But I will pray he does so.
Relevant comments from OP:
I did talk to a lawyer before signing the prenup, she made sure that it was fair to both parties. I talked to another before deciding to buy the house and he assured me that the house and my savings would not be considered common property. I do not want to void the prenup because of the extent of my husband's debt (way over 600K).
Everything about him is great except the financial side. He was there for me in some of my lowest moments, is a wonderful partner and a great friend too.
OP answering questions about the prenup:
My husband was the one that brought it up. He was very straightforward about the whole thing. He said that he had an obligation to his parents' company, that they did not know me well enough (like I said we met 3 times before he proposed) and that they would feel better if we had a prenup.
He also said that they will be paying for any lawyer of my choice to go over it with their lawyer, and that I was welcome and actually encouraged to put forth any clauses I needed to feel equally protected by said prenup.
Then I had a dinner with his mom, and she made sure to tell me that she did not disapprove of me or think that I was marrying her son just for her money, that she would have insisted on a prenup even if he married someone more wealthy than him. That it was simply the done thing.
After we got married I got to know them well and we had another discussion about the prenup, they explained their position again and I said, again, that I understood and appreciated it.
Comment from OP about what he spent $600k on:
2 motorcyles, a lot of sports memorabilia (these were bought by way of personal loans), he buys pretty much everything using credit cards (clothes, shoes, trips...) And he has a sports car that he is still paying off, it doesn't fet used, just stashed in the garage so I don't count it as a daily use car