'AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because of my stepdaughter?'
"AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because of my stepdaughter?"
My husband (40m) was a widower when we met. I (36f) was a single woman who had never been married before. My husband has a daughter April (13) from his first wife. April was 5 when her mom died, 7 when my husband and I met, 8 when she and I met and 11 when we got married.
Things with April were okay before I got pregnant. And by okay I mean we weren't very close and she wasn't calling me mom or saying she loved me. But we got along well and she said she had no issues with us getting married. She was in the wedding as her dads best person. All was good.
Then I got pregnant with our son who is now 4 months old and it all changed. She was furious when she learned we were expecting. She told us she would not be okay with that and she asked her dad how he could do that to her and her mom.
From that moment on she was hostile to me and very angry and lashed out at me, my husband and anyone who tried to say she was going to be a big sister or described our son as her little brother.
We got her into therapy and we did family therapy. April refused to speak. We tried to find a therapist who'd click for us but she wouldn't talk. Then we did find a therapist that made April speak one time and she spoke to say she did not want to work with us or make things better.
She would not say why or answer any questions the therapist asked her. She didn't address it with her individual therapist either. They worked on other stuff. But that wasn't enough to help her come around.
People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she'd fall in love and would go back to how she'd been before. That has not happened and she's aggressively against anything to do with him. She has never held him and we have no family photos of the four of us. It breaks my husbands heart.
He has talked to his daughter and disciplined her but it does nothing. She will scream that he is not her brother and she's even against saying half because "he's not my sibling at all". I can't speak to her at all now. Gone is the nice relationship we had and that makes me sad too.
But this isn't working and our home no longer feels like a home. It feels like a house on the verge of collapse. I'm not sure I want to stay married and figure this out for another 5 years. I don't see any hope for it to get better and even though my son will still have to be around, maybe having 50% of the time be in a loving home would be better.
I'd be happier even though I love my husband. When I confided in a friend she told me I can't give up this fast and I'm not giving it time to get better. AITA?
Info: My husband loves our son and me. He's a good man. He loves his family. He speaks to his daughter and disciplines her for bad behavior. He's trying to get her to a better place and he's a loving father. But he hasn't been able to make any improvements in our home life. He breaks down sometimes because it upsets and frustrates him too.
April has lost her phone and other privileges and she has been grounded before for repeatedly doing the same things she was warned not to do and given consequences for. My husband has also sat down and talked with her about it and how it's not okay and how it hurts him too.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
"People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she'd fall in love and would go back to how she'd been before." LMAO. I just came to ask who TF were these delusional people ? "Look at him and fall in love".... Really?! That's something you say to a nervous, soon to be parent.
They couldn't have had any real experience with this situation.
This doesn'tIt rarely happens that siblings, especially older ones, who want nothing to do with the baby, and are vehemently opposed to it, flip the switch because they see the new kid.
They don't see the baby and think awwwww how cute I love them so much, they see the baby and just think this is the drooling, puking, shit monster that's turning my world upside down.
Not just that, but she won't be the only little queen bee anymore. My older sister threw me out of the window as a lbaby, and tried to harm me all throughout my childhood. Be careful.
Is your sister Wednesday Addams?
It's only been four months. I get you're upset and frustrated but this is not enough time for her to work through whatever she's going through. Back off on the family therapy etc as she sees this as trying to 'fix' her so she'll be even more resistant.
How about she and her dad have a weekend away together? Can she spend some weekends at her grandparents? Does she still have good context with her mum's family? She needs quality time with her relatives to feel centered and you can have a rest and enjoy your baby.
Efficient-Virus767 OP responded:
It's been since the start of my pregnancy. Not just the last four months. This behavior has worsened with the arrival of our son but didn't just start then.
She does get time with her dad but a whole weekend away somewhere isn't really doable right now. She does spend time with extended family but nobody would take her for a weekend. She's very close with her mom's family. We try to let her go there as much as possible but once she comes back her anger is unleased on our son especially.
Does her mum's family have some insight into what her issues are? Has she ever expressed what her wishes are eg separation or living with her mum's family?
As you said, the issues aren't over even if you separate, if the baby is her trigger. How are you coping, this is a good risk for PPD and you deserve to have lots of support around you through this difficult time. Can you and baby have some time away with your own family?
Efficient-Virus767 OP responded:
They aren't close to my husband so didn't want to talk about it really. She has never said anything about separation or living with other family. Just she really wishes our son was d&^%$.
I'm struggling with it all. I have been taking to my doctor to make sure I don't end up struggling worse. I couldn't take him and spend time with my family unfortunately.
She has made threats and gets loud around him/us even when we leave her alone. She's especially loud if he's sleeping. The therapist hasn't been able to suggest much because she doesn't get anything out of April.
We were told to make sure we keep an eye on the baby and for my husband to make sure their relationship is strong which he's doing and he's spending time with her. But with nothing from April it's not so easy to know the best way forward.
The therapisg did not see any signs of a diagnosable mental illness of any kind. She's aware that her therapist can't tell us things like that. But also that the therapist can tell us if she's not working with them. We respect her privacy. My husband did check in to find out if she was engaged in individual therapy and she is. But we also don't know what it's about.
I don’t care how others feel about it, including your husband, you don’t deserve years more of this when you have done nothing wrong. She’s his responsibility and he needs to shape her up. I will say though, listening to people sweet talking you how she would fall in love with your son was dumb.
You’re old enough not to believe this and now you’re letting them do it again when they say “it’s too early to give up, she will change”. Trust your own gut and judgement and show some self worth.
Efficient-Virus767 OP responded:
I learned the hard way that it's wrong. But I trusted that people said kids can struggle until a sibling is born. Naive, sure, but I wanted to believe things could work out. So many people say that so you believe them on some level.