'AITA for continuing to support my ex GF even though it makes my new GF uncomfortable?'
"AITA for continuing to support my ex GF even though it makes my new GF uncomfortable?"
So about a month ago I (50M) broke up with my gf (50F) of two decades. It was a very messy split. I won't go into too many details, but basically, I hadn't been happy in a while.
Then, I found someone who loved me the way I needed. I admit, it was wrong of me to cheat, but for me the relationship had been over for a while. To say she handled it poorly is putting it mildly.
Anyway, my new girlfriend (34F) moved in with me shortly after and we've been very happy for the most part. The only point of contention is that I am still helping to financially support my ex.
My ex was a SAHM the entire time we were together. She took care of the house and of my 3 kids from my previous marriage. The kids are all grown now, but she never went back to work. When we broke up, she went to stay with a friend and has been couch surfing ever since.
Since she never worked, she never saved up any money. She basically left my house with nothing but a suitcase, since everything else is mine. I do feel a bit bad that she doesn't really have anything of her own, and I know that it's partially my fault since I always encouraged her to be a housewife.
I wound up giving my ex a bank card that I've been keeping some money on. At least until she can get back on her feet. She's mainly just been using it to buy food. My new gf thinks that this is uncalled for, and sends the wrong message. She says that it's the 21st century, and that if my ex needs money she can get a job like everyone else.
She said it makes her uncomfortable that I'm basically keeping my ex hanging around instead of fully ending things like I promised. I'm a bit torn. I mean it has been a month and my ex still hasn't gotten a job. And I don't want to make my gf uncomfortable.
But I also don't want to just leave my ex completely with nothing. That just doesn't seem right either. So, am I being the AH for continuing to support my ex even though my gf is not happy about it?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Of course you are NTA about financially supporting your ex. And you should be supporting her a hell of a lot more than you are. How do your children feel about all this? Cause I got to tell you if you were my father, I would be incredibly disappointed in who my father turned out to be.
I certainly would not let my children around you if your mistress was present. But I would be doing everything I could to help the wonderful woman who gave up everything to take care of us.
Successful_Item6464 OP responded:
My children are split on the situation. My son has sided with my ex and says he's disappointed in me. He's threatening to not let me see my grandson anymore. But he's still accepting my contributions to his college fund, so how upset can he really be? I think he'll come around.
My daughter has no issues with me and my new gf. She realizes that I'm an adult and that my relationships are my business.
My other son I haven't spoken to in years. My ex drove a wedge between us by constantly trying to act like his mother even though she wasn't. He was a difficult child, and she was always trying to force him into therapy and keep tabs on him and punish him for whatever he was doing on the computer. It was always a point of contention for us.
tinyd71
I'm curious about where you live, that there wouldn't be legal provisions/rules for the dissolution of a long term marriage-like relationship. To summarise; you are supporting (in a very minimal way) a woman you lived your life with as a partner, who raised your children, you encouraged not to work outside the home, and you eventually were unfaithful to.
Providing money for groceries is about the least you could do, and I'd hope you would be considering doing more (even if you are not legally required to DO more)! NTA for providing at least some support (since that's the question you asked)
eefr
NTA for supporting your ex. You would be the asshole if you didn't help your ex get back on her feet. You urged her to stay at home, kept everything in your name, then cheated on her, kicked her out of the house, and installed your new younger girlfriend in her place.
You'd better support her for a good long while. She deserves to have food. I am not impressed with your behaviour. You sound pretty selfish. Giving her money for food is the absolute least you can do.
AdOdd7148
NTA in this situation, but YTA regarding your ex GF. The lady was your partner for 20 years, stepped back from her career to raise your kids, then you cheated on her --if you lived in my country, this woman would be entitled to half of everything you own (despite not being 'married').
The decent thing to have done would have been to ensure she was given a fair share of your joint assets (i.e what you accumulated over the course of the relationship).
lihzee
ESH. You and your girlfriend suck, and she should mind her own damn business. Moving in that fast after a 20+ year relationship is so gross, cheating is so nasty, and the age gap is yikes - coming from a 34 year old woman myself. Paying your ex essentially alimony is the very least you can do for being such a sucky person.
Neutral_Guy_9
NTA. 20 years is longer than a lot of marriages. If you were legally married she would’ve gotten half of your stuff, so giving her a little bit of cash is a pretty modest compromise. Your new gf isn’t anymore entitled to your money than your old gf.
Top_Revolution_3912
NTA. Given all that she did to contribute to your family, some sort of perhaps “alimony” makes sense. That being said, she should be actively trying to reintegrate herself into the working world.
SheLikesToWatch_1989
NTA for financially supporting the ex you encouraged to be a housewife, who helped raise your children and whom you eventually cheated on after decades of loyalty.
YTA as a person(see above)? You are the architect of your own suffering, sir. You deserve whatever turmoil it is you're in because you brought it on yourself and your girlfriend should know by now what kind of messy individual she's involved with. She should accept that, as well as mind her business. This is between you and your ex.
NotCreativeAtAll16
NTA. If she went the legal route she would get alimony from you. It's easier, however, if you don't make her go through the courts.