'AITA for telling my dad and his wife that they have no say in what we name our kids?'
"AITA for telling my dad and his wife that they have no say in what we name our kids?"
FramePitiful8784
My dad (62m) and his wife (59f) Mary got married 16 years ago. Both were widowed with children. Dad had me (10m then/26m now), my sister (8f then/24f now) and my other sister (7f then/23f now). Mary had Jess (9f then/25f now), her son (6m then/22m now) and her other daughter (4f then/20f now).
Dad and Mary wanted to make a nuclear family and a more "traditional" family where Mary would stay at home, be the "mom" to all of us and dad would be "dad" to all of us and work and be the less involved in the day to day childcare parent.
I never accepted Mary as my parent. I never called her mom. I resent her deeply for asking frequently when I was a child. Jess never accepted my dad either. She feels the same about him as I do about Mary. My sisters call Mary "mama" because they called our mom "mom".
Jess' younger siblings just call dad "dad". Jess and I never considered us all a family. We both missed our late parents and would cause chaos by bringing them up sometimes to put the stepparent/parents spouse in their place and remind them that they weren't forgotten.
I'd do this with dad too and I would remind him that my mom wasn't replaceable and her place in my life could never be filled by anyone else. I am low contact with dad and Mary now.
Jess had a baby in the last two years. She named her daughter after her dad. This upset my dad and Mary. I found out about this a little over a month ago because my wife and I had a son and his name was my mom's middle name, which she was known as by close friends and family.
Mary was "hurt" that I honored one grandmother over the other. My dad also told me I should have found some way to honor Mary. Maybe using her maiden name, etc. They have not met my son and I did not reach out to them.
They reached out to me. They told me Jess doing the same was such an intentional snub against our family and them as parents. Mary told me I should have reached out to her and checked if my decision was okay with her, I should have included her and dad in this.
Dad said the same. I pointed out they are hardly in my life anymore which is how I prefer it so I'd never include them. I ignored calls and texts for a few more weeks until Friday Mary told me this was not how someone treats their mother.
I responded that she was never my mother, she was never my real mother, who died when I was still a child. I told her claiming she is was part of what made me so distant from them.
They both decided to Facetime me that night and told me I made such a big and hurtful decision without discussing it with them, and how Jess had done the same, and they rambled on like that. I told them they're not entitled to a say in the decision making of adults, even if they raised them.
I told them Jess and I do not need their permission and clearly we don't care what they want. I was called rude, entitled and ungrateful for having such loving parents. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DreamingofRlyeh
NTA. They are major AHs for expecting their kids to just forget about their dead parents so they can play happy family.
FramePitiful8784 OP responded:
Mary actually told me on a few occasions that my sisters could call her mama and accept her as their mother so I should have been capable of doing that too. Because girls were meant to be more difficult for stepmothers and hold onto petty girly fights.
But as a boy I should have been more open and willing to let her fill in as my mom. I should have loved and bonded with her easier. I always found it so pathetic that she had that thought to begin with.
CultOfDunsparce
Ugh NTA at all. Good for you going low contact. Just curious: do you and Jess (and\or other stepsibs) have relationship? I wondered if you two maybe had a bond over not playing along with your Dad and Mary's scheme.
FramePitiful8784 OP responded:
We don't. We hardly ever interacted with each other even though the two of us were very like minded on that. I know for me I hated the idea that we would be called brother and sister just for bonding over that. I don't have any contact with her or her siblings now. All the stuff I know about them is from my siblings, who know about Jess because of my other stepsiblings.
Pretend-Panda
NTA. This fixation of some not-parents on being accepted/respected/treated as actual parents is staggeringly disrespectful of the kids autonomy, agency and feelings that it’s incomprehensible.
FramePitiful8784 OP responded:
Nobody could ever convince me it's about the kids either. It's 100,000% about the adults and their need for things to be "perfect". It's about their wishes, their dreams, their feelings, their needs. The kids are maybe thought about along the way.
But in reality it's to satisfy the adults in picture and never about the kids and what they want or need. Often they will be told what they need is different to what they want even though that's obviously not true for adults at all. /s
almalauha
NTA. Sounds like your father and Mary can't accept that you and Jess still remember your other birthparent and do not want to just move on and forget about them. You are 100% entitled to live your life as you wish and try to have as much or as little contact with your parent and stepparent as you wish. They do not have to be asked how you or Jess name your child, lol.
Sorry for your loss. Sorry your father and stepparent could never accept that you and Jess do not see the stepparent in the same way as your other birth parent. It's an unreasonable expectation/request/demand that you do, and they should have dropped it long ago.