'WIBTA for cutting off my best friend so close to her wedding?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for cutting off my best friend so close to her wedding?"
My (31f) best friend (30f) is getting married May 9th. We’ve been close for the last 16 years, since 8th grade. Recently, she’s completely changed her attitude towards me, and has been making super snide comments about my weight.
For background, at the beginning of 2023, I was 250lbs. My current weight is now 154. I’ve put in WORK, because I was absolutely not healthy prior. My asthma was at it worst, now I barely experience any symptoms, and my knees and back hurt pretty much constantly.
Going forward, we will refer to best friend as “Kristine”. At first, Kristine was supportive. She said she would hold me accountable, and encouraged me to send her gym selfies so she could hype me up. Kristine is a plus sized woman, around the same weight as my starting weight. I have NEVER ever said anything to her about that. She’s my best friend, she’s absolutely gorgeous in my eyes.
But when I lost the first 50lbs, something just totally changed in her. She started commenting about starving myself, which I actually eat more food than I ever have before, it’s just different than the fast food etc from before. Once, while trying on swim suits, she commented about my saggy belly and reached over and jiggled it!
I’ve had that for quite a while as I’m a mom of 2, and my second I got very big, so a lot of stretched skin. It’s also always been an insecurity of mine. The responses to the gym selfie also changed. Instead of “you got this!!” And other uplifting comments, it turned into “nice” “cool” “👍” so I stopped sending them.
The vibe felt way off. After I stopped sending them, she seemed to get better with her attitude towards me. I also, completely stopped talking about my weight loss.
Beginning of 2024, Kristine moved in with her fiancé, which makes her 3 hours away now. So we stopped seeing each other as much as previously, which was about once a week. We’d be lucky to get together once a month now.
At one point, it had been 3 months without seeing each other I had gotten to 175, and as soon as I walked to her at the restaurant she went from smiling to looking annoyed, looking me up and down. Again, the vibe the entire meal felt so off, she at one point said “that’s what you’re ordering?” And rolled her eyes. I let it go.
Now, this just happened on Friday. The restaurant scenario happened in July, and I’ve seen her once since then. I am obviously now at my lowest weight. I don’t know her other bridesmaids, I am the MOH. I’ve only met her one friend one time prior. I feel this is an important detail because why would anyone defend me is the point.
We meet up at a bridal shop to pick out our bridesmaid dresses. She is asking for us to go with a specific floral print, but any dress style is fine as long as they’re all either short or long. Kristine doesn’t seem to like anything I’ve tried on, and every time I come out in a different dress, it’s just a bunch of hurtful comments “that really accentuates your saggy skin, omg. Someone grab her some spanx!”
Followed by her and majority of the other BMs laughing, except for one. “That one hangs off you like a potato sack, no curves, somebody get her a cheeseburger!” which is crazy because I do have curves still, and I still eat cheeseburgers…. In the end, she said the style was up to us so I picked one that has off shoulder straps and a small slit, but nothing too scandalous.
The part that really upset me was the lunch afterwards. We went to a buffet type place, where you put all your ingredients in a bowl, and they cook it for you. It’s second nature for me now to just get things that I know are still going to keep me satisfied, but meet my calorie goals.
So instead of noodles I got rice, chicken, fish, shrimp, a ton of different veggies, and a light sauce. I didn’t do the buffet option, I just got the one bowl as well because I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat more than one. The comments about starving myself just came pouring in, as well as looks exchanged between her and the other bridesmaids.
I at one point, I excused myself to the bathroom and cried while texting my husband. He told me to just come home, so I made up an excuse and left. While walking out, the other bridesmaid who didn’t join in on any of it pulled me aside, asked for my phone number, and sent me a ton of screenshots from a group chat I’m not in of her comments just totally making fun of me.
Saying I think I’m better than her because of my weight loss, that there was no point to any of it because my loose skin just makes me look worse, and many many more of her tearing apart my body. “Mr Krabs without his shell” was one of them…
All of this to ask, WIBTA, if I just dropped out of the wedding and completely cut her off for all this? I know with it being 6 months out, and me being her MOH, I very well could be TAH. But i don’t know if I can handle 6 more months of this. I don’t understand why she is acting this way towards me, but I know this will shake my newfound confidence if I continue to allow these comments.
Should I just suck it up and cut her off after the wedding? I know she’s been hurting me, but I don’t want to hurt her. I love her. 16 years is a long friendship to throw away. Any insight is appreciated, and I apologize for the length.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
The fact that you are the target here is enough for me. You are a text message joke, now They talk s&^% about you? NOPE! She turned into a jealous person instead of uplifting and encouraging. You may have been 'best friends' before, but misery loves company. You were her friend because she wanted you to be the "ugly" one. You are no longer weighed down by her misery any longer.
Get rid of her and her baggage! She is a bully and a really s^%&ty person. Reflect on the things and people she used to make fun of. You are no longer that person with her. I can almost guarantee that her husband to be made comments about your journey and it pissed her off.
You are not the a&^%ole, you are a Healthy Goddess. I also went through a weigh loss journey, SO CONGRATULATIONS! Keep it up UP AND OFF girl! Feels good, doesn' it? 70 pounds here! F the haters!!! Let's talk about your exit strategy.
Numerous-Ad-3104 OP responded:
It feels so good to walk up stairs and not have to take breaks. It feels even better to be able to sleep through the night and not wake up to asthma attacks 😂
you should've opted out at the dress shop. bc why in the world would you EVER be friend with someone that treats you like this? I am someone who is working out and adjusting my food habits currently but even before i started that process my friends ALWAYS hyped me up. even when i would hate how i looked. I know what it is like to have someone make you feel ugly when you are feeling confident
Dont let those people remain in your life. Return the dress or cancel the order. Drop out of the wedding. And if it were ME i would be dropping out close to the date or ghosting her just to be petty
Numerous-Ad-3104 OP:
Her and I have been through a lot together, and we’ve gotten each other through a lot. She was there for me through my PPD, I was there for her for the loss of her father, and just a lot of leaning on and uplifting each other. So I tried to just ignore whatever is going on right now to honor that, hoping she’d get the jokes out of her system and go back to being my friend.
Those are not jokes. Please stop categorizing her bullying as jokes. You don’t pause being someone’s friend to be an AH to someone. She’s not your friend.
23 days later OP came back with this update:
As an update, she kicked me out of the wedding 🤣. I confronted her about it, told her her comments are upsetting me and not the way you should be talking to anyone, especially a best friend. She told me that was fine, I no longer need to be in the wedding.
She told me I shouldn’t have been so insecure and that if I was happy with my body, her comments wouldn’t have affected me anyways. She also tried to excuse the “jokes” by saying everyone knows in comedy that it’s acceptable to “punch up”.
So because she’s bigger than me, she’s basically allowed to say whatever she wants about my body and it’s perfectly fine by her logic. And she wouldn’t be saying any of that stuff anyways if I wasn’t “clearly trying to outshine her at her wedding.” I didn’t know trying to improve my health had anything to do with her or her wedding, but I guess it does!
That’s pretty much it 🤷🏻♀️ she told me I can attend as a guest but that’s definitely not happening at all. I am now debating if I would be the AH if I cancel all reservations under my name for her bachelorette party, which is more of a Bach trip and is taking place in the Vegas.
The hotel is under MY card, so I feel like I should cancel it since I’m no longer going to be attending anyways. We have a reservation under my name as well to Hell’s Kitchen. It would be super petty, I am aware of that, but I don’t feel like I should be paying for anything anymore, and I’m sure she expects me to keep every single reservation.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
CANCEL EVERYTHING! You're no longer a part of the bridal party & that means everything you were responsible for is no longer your responsibility. NTA
NTA. If she kicked you out of the wedding and made you feel like trash, why should you be on the hook for her bachelorette plans? Cancelling is not petty, it's simply removing yourself from the equation since you're no longer part of the festivities. If she wants the reservations, she can figure it out herself. You're not a free travel agent or financial sponsor.
I would be petty and not inform anyone. When asked, I would just say "i assumed you would make other reservations after I was no longer part of it." NTA