'AITA for cutting ties with my BIL, and being angry at my wife, for what he did?' UPDATED
"AITA for cutting ties with my BIL, and being angry at my wife, for what he did? (I'm sorry for the length.)"
I'm (33m) a happily married man. And my wife is my best friend. We are supposed to be a team and have each other's backs and best interests at heart. It's a cliché. It's cringe. But it's true. However. Something has came up and it has me doubting and looking at her differently. I want to know AITA for being upset with her for all this?
Long story short. About a year ago, my wife asked me to sell a spare vehicle that I was doing nothing with to her brother. His fiance and him shared a vehicle and it wouldn't do since they were moving to another state. Very reliable. Nothing flashy. KBB at $5000 to $6000. She knew that I never used it.
I definitely didn't need the money and am still not in a position where a loss would hurt me or matter to me. I didn't want to do it because if something did happen, I didn't want to be blamed or guilted or whatever. She assured me that wouldn't happen. He was a stand up guy, etc etc.,
Went ahead and did it. Huge discount. $1500 opposed to KBB. She wasn't pushing me to sell it, but I could tell that she really really wanted me to. And her brother and I were on pretty good terms back then. I even went ahead and said they could make payments due to moving expenses being pretty heavy.
They offered to come up with something before the moved on June 10th. I said if they did that, then they wouldn't have to make a first payment until August. They came up with $250 and moved to Tennessee.
Now from June to August he ignores me. Normally he used to respond to my calls or texts almost immediately. So when he ignored my 4 or 5 texts...nothing aggressive mind you..'just casual "oh hey how's it going out there." Or, "Hope everything is going well. Haven't heard from." I became a little hesitant. But not concerned. After all. I truly didn't and don't need the money.
Then I find out he's talking to my wife pretty regularly but ignoring me. He finally answers me at the end of August and says he will send me "something" by the end of the week.
Well the end of the week comes. He continues to ignore me. August turns into November. He's continually talking to my wife. She is talking with him like nothing is wrong. Talking to him like everything is fine. Never mentioning me or the situation with me once.
Finally I've had enough, I told him if he can't make the payments, I'll take the car back because my dad's friend will give me $6300 cash on the spot. No hard feelings. But Ill just take the car back.
He responds with sunshine and rainbows and apologies and promise after promise. I explain it's not the money, but the principle. I just needed communication and a little appreciation for doing a favor I never wanted to do that none of his friends or family would have done. He swears he will get me something by the end of the week. Promise excuse promise excuse.
The end of the week comes, then the month, then the end of the next month. My wife continues to talk to him as happy and as normal as ever. I lose it on him. He explodes and says some things he could never take back. The argument turned into something that would end our relationship for ever.
Well all this time he's been coming back to Colorado almost every month. So I ask when is he coming back so he can bring the car. He says it'll be a year or 2.
At the time I'm working a lot and can't just drop everything and head out there. I go to get it transported. It'll be about $1900 to do so. I make arrangements with him to do it and then on the day of transport he hides the vehicle. I had to pay half up front and lose out on the money.
I explain to my wife I'm done and he's out of my life forever. I also find out that either before I said I'd take the car back or after, he trashed the vehicle. Wrecked the hell out of it. Trashed it inside. F^%$#@# it all up.
I found out that my wife knew about that. I found out that since then she has kept along with talking to him and never one time getting upset with him or yelling at him or even just mentioning it once to him. I then find out that 2 months or so he drove the car back here, she not only knew about it but also went and saw him.
She knows how hard I've been trying to get it back from him. I won't call the cops. Just can't. I'm not that guy. But she saw him. Saw him in it. Didn't tell me. Continues talking to him. And now I'm doubting everything and seeing her differently and am more than hurt and upset. She says I'm overreacting and being dramatic. What do I do? AITA? Am I overreacting? WTF.
Info from OP in the comments:
Shoot. I forgot to mention. My brother in law has been using and manipulating his family for years. He has been using and abusing my wife and her family, emotionally and monetarily and even physically, for years. Just in case this little tidbit effects the advice.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA based on the fact he trashed your car. It does feel like something is being left out. What did your BIL say was the reason for not responding? What did he say to you in the fight? Your wife is a huge AH for many things, including enabling her brother’s behavior. Also, take him to small claims court or sue him civilly.
BrendentheJet OP responded:
He trashed the car because I asked for it back. Plain and simple. S^%$# that's def NSFW and stuff I don't feel comfortable saying on here lol. I'm not leaving anything out. My conversations with him were minimal because he kept ignoring and avoiding me. When I did finally get upset at him I kept it professional and respectful because well he's my wife's brother after all.
All I was saying was that I just needed communication and that it hurt being ignored and lied too and taken advantage of. After all I did for him when nobody else was, was f^$%^& up. Then he went on and on about race and not being fit for his sister and all the cliché close minded narcissistic racist shit you can think of.
Get your car back, you were scammed and your wife didn't care.
BrendentheJet OP responded:
My thoughts exactly. Thank you my friend. I appreciate the honesty.
Not only were you scammed, you wife was complicit. NTA.
You’re not overreacting. You went out of your way to do a huge favor for your brother-in-law, giving him a big discount and flexible payments, only for him to take advantage of it. Your wife’s choice to keep talking to him and hide things from you like the fact he damaged the car and even brought it back to town without telling you—is understandably hurtful and feels like a betrayal.
At this point, it’s not about the money; it’s about respect and loyalty. Maybe a serious talk with her about how this has affected you both would help. You’re just asking for honesty and support, which are basic to any partnership.
BrendentheJet OP responded:
Thank you so much for this. It really truly helps. It's exactly how I feel as well and will def do that with her! Thank you 👍
TBH, I kind of understand the length. That is extremely frustrating. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Is this woman even on your side? NTA
Thank you for that. And no I don't believe so. Especially since she continues talking to him and continually doesn't bring this situation up or get upset with him in the slightest. Its f^$%^& up.
Dude, you have wife problem right now.
Honestly f$%^ the car and your BIL. I think your real problem is your wife. She has been lying to you for years, she manipulated you, she has shown zero care or empathy for your frustrations. This doesn’t sound like a life partner.
Honestly not saying you should divorce but I would probably go with a convo like this.
“(Wife's name), I am really struggling with our relationship and trying to determine if I am done and moving towards divorce. You have been lying and covering for your brother for years, to your own husband who is supposed to be your partner. You didn’t care about me nor did you care that I was hurt and upset."
"One mistake I could understand but you repeatedly and purposely continued to choose to lie and help manipulate me. I have zero desire to argue your point of view because you have blatantly betrayed my trust where it makes me wonder what else you might be lying about."
"What I am curious about is where you want to go from here, do you just not care and we should proceed to divorce? I honest don’t know how to rebuild the lost trust and I am struggling with trying to understand who the person I married is, was this always you or did you change?”
BrendentheJet OP responded:
I am genuinely, 100% going to use those exact words. Thank you. Seriously.. thank you🙏 this shit is f^%$#@up and something needs to be done. Right on for the help 👊
NTA, of course. Those words above are good, but before you use them I'd recommend a couple of 'before' actions.
Firstly, you need to accept the truth: your wife is not on your side, not one bit. She has been actively lying to you for years. These lies have cost you thousands of dollars. She does not care. This is who she is. A liar who supports people who lie to and steal from you.
Second: go a see a divorce lawyer - yes, before talking to your lying wife. Understand how things are likely to go in any prospective divorce settlement. This way you are starting the conversation with some knowledge of what to do next if things go in the divorce direction.
Third: separate your finances. Yes, before talking to your lying wife. She's let her brother clean you out so don't think for a second she will hesitate before doing the same to you while asking 'for time to think about things.'
I mean simple things like having accounts just in your name for your salary/business earnings to go into - things she cannot touch. Cancel any joint credit cards and tell her only afterwards and right before the talk.
Fourth: be kind to yourself. This is a situation she's created for you. It's not your fault she has chosen to lie to you so significantly for so long.
Last: think about what your wife needs to change in order for you to feel comfortable staying in this marriage. Immediately cutting off BIL in every way seems like a minimum, but I'll leave that to you. Just think about what needs to change for your marriage to continue, and say that. Good luck.
You aren’t overreacting at ALL. This is the kind of situation that would make me reevaluate the entire marriage, to be honest.
You already know your BIL sucks…but your wife knew everything that was happening on BOTH SIDES and kept it from you. That’s a huge breach of trust.
BrendentheJet OP responded:
Yes it was. Huge betrayal. And to be said I'm overreacting and being dramatic. Only makes it worse. I definitely have a lot to think about. Thank you for the support and reassurance. Fr. 👊
The next day OP came back with this update:
Thank you everyone for your comments. I will update you guys shortly. I genuinely appreciate the help and advice. And I honestly agree with all of you. But I had to be sure before I made any decisions. I needed to know that I wasn't overreacting and or in fact, "being dramatic." Thank you all. Update shortly!!
Thank you all for the support and for reinforcing what I already knew to be true. I left my wife last night and am currently staying with a relative. Thank you all for the help. I genuinely and massively appreciate it. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney later in the week. You guys are the best 👊👊🙏🙏🙏🙏