'AITA for cutting off my Maid of Honor over her behavior at my wedding?'

"AITA for cutting off my Maid of Honor over her behavior at my wedding?"

I’ve (F27) been best friends with my MOH (F28) for 14 years. Almost immediately after I got engaged, she started telling me that she had no idea how to do anything as a MOH and planning stressed her out, so matron of honor (F39) helped her.

Edit: I don’t want to give the impression that I forced her into the role and I see my wording may have suggested that. MOH was adamant about the role for years. She was ecstatic when I called and asked her, and immediately after the phone call posted publicly on social media that she was the MOH.

She never told me, “I don’t think I can do this,” but it was more on the lines of, “I’m excited for this but I’ve never done a bachelorette party before so can you give me someone I can ask for ideas?”

She gave me the impression that all she needed was advice. She insisted on doing a bridal shower even though I told her it wasn’t necessary, and left everything to the Matron afterwards, which makes what happened all the weirder.

The matronOH ended up doing everything herself. My MOH basically burned bridges with everyone, for various reasons. Some people just found her annoying, others felt she came in with a diva attitude.

She doesn’t really hang out with the rest of my friends and I was hoping my wedding would be an opportunity for her to get out and meet some new people but instead they want nothing to do with her.

She went AWOL the week of when I asked her to come to my house to help make the flowers and dropped out of the rehearsal dinner AT THE REHEARSAL. I didn’t feel like begging my MOH to show up when she clearly didn’t want to be there. She was late on the morning of the wedding too.

She texted me at 9:30am that she was on her way and didn’t walk into my house until almost 12:30pm, an HOUR before I had to walk down the aisle. Her first words walking in was “Ugh,Throwaway, I am NEVER driving to your house again.” My house is 30 minutes from her.

Then she was asking in the months following to do a makeup bachelorette party. I talked to her about it and laid everything out.

She was pretty defensive and then went AWOL on everybody for two weeks, and then got upset when we started planning something ourselves. I had two bachelorette parties, one for everyone else, and one for her with mostly my husbands friends.

A couple months later I had my birthday. Same thing, she said she’d be there, even recommended the date that my husband decided to do it, then went AWOL for a week. When my husband contacted her, she told him that she couldn’t make it.

She texted me next month asking when we were doing my birthday, recommending I drive to her house. At first I just said that I already did my birthday but if she wanted to see me she could drive to my house. I was baiting her; she’s only been to my house three times including the wedding, and it’s usually me driving to her.

She got upset and asked why I was being this way and at that point I exploded and unloaded everything. I got a lot of “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “this hearts my heart” but she stands by that she didn’t do anything wrong.

I wasn’t clear enough about the flowers, or my MatronOH was not being truthful, my husband never talked to her, etc. When I asked her to own up and admit she was the issue, she would literally just sit there and stare at me. It was weird.

Next morning she texts me that she’s so glad “we talked everything out.” I lost it. I told her we didn’t talk, I talked at her while she sat there, and I didn’t want to see her until she owned up.

On one hand, it seems dumb to dump someone I know that well over a wedding and birthday. I also told her I would try and get past this, so I kind of feel bad about bringing everything back up, but idk if I care at this point.

Let's take a look at some top comemnts and responses from OP:

ghaup writes:

definitely NTA has she ever acted like this in the past?

OP replies:

Not in any way that effected me personally. We’ve never fought up to this point. The closest thing to a fight we had was when I got on her case about getting out of her parents house and finding a real job.

She was upset that her parents sold their house that she lived in without consulting her (she does not pay rent) and I told her if she had a problem with that she should get her own place. She is somewhat coddled by her family, and I think they stunted her growth.

There were a bunch of little things like that so I knew she could be a little childish. But she appeared to show legitimate interest in my wedding. I didn’t even want a bridal shower, she brought it up to me and said she HAD to do it, so when I found out she left all of it to the Matron, I was a little surprised.

She seems to earnestly think that the only thing required of her was to show up the day of with a block of cheese.

raondcast writes:

So your maid of honor was certainly flighty but you may have some outsized expectations of your bridal party. When you opt to DIY instead of paying for services that doesn't mean that the people who have agreed to stand by your side for the wedding ceremony are obligated to provide labor.

OP replies:

I completely understand. I had three bridesmaids that couldn’t make it and let me know that, my issue with her was that she said she would be there, then texted me asking if flowers took longer than 20 minutes, and just never showed up. I barely made the word count limit for this post so I regret not being able to include those details.

gretan writes:

NTA. you aren’t dumping a friend “just over a wedding and a birthday” like first of all at least the wedding is a major milestone that any good friend and especially best friend should want to be there for, its not like she had some major complication or issue come up and couldn’t be there.

this seems like a pattern of not only extreme flakiness but one of those situations where you definitely care more about preserving the relationship than she does and it shows. I bet if you stopped reaching out to her first she would only reach out to you when she needs something from you.

I would be pissed if someone dropped the ball multiple times for something important like that, like if you know you can’t handle the responsibility or don’t have the time or money that’s absolutely fine just don’t wait until after the last minute to say something when you haven’t done a single thing that needs to be done.

agahwp writes:

Nta why has she only been to your house 3 times in 14 years of friendship?!

OP replies:

I usually drove to her place during high school because my parents didn’t like having guests. But in the past three years I’ve lived with my husband, yes it’s three times.

She also used to live in California and complained I never came to visit her, even though it was a 4 hour drive and I’d have to get a hotel room since her relatives didn’t allow guests. However she has at least five houses in my city to stay at and never offered to come to me.

flauggh writes:

NTA. I acted like your friend when I was drinking and having Dissociation (English not my first language, and that was the translation from my psychiatrist). If she’s like me than she needs professional help.

I wouldn’t drive because I constantly forgot the way and more than once didn’t recognize the building in front of my own house and week’s would go by without me noticing.

I would also forget most thing that was not in writing so I could check. I ‘m not saying she has my diagnostic, but she’s acting a lot like me when my brain refused to remember something as simple as the way home.