'AITA for cutting off my best friend of 10 years?' 'She told my boyfriend all my secrets.'
"AITA for cutting off my best friend of 10 years after she told my boyfriend all my secrets?"
So, I (26F) have this best friend, Jess (27F), who I’ve known for 10 years. We’ve been through everything together – high school drama, family issues, breakups, and everything in between. I’ve always considered her my person, the one I could trust with anything. I’ve never had many friends, but she was always the one I felt closest to. However, things have changed recently.
I started dating my boyfriend, Ben (29M), about 8 months ago. Everything was going great until about 3 months into our relationship when I started noticing Jess acting weird. She was being distant, and I could tell something was off, but she’d just brush it off whenever I asked her about it.
She started making little jabs at Ben, saying things like, "I’m surprised he puts up with you," or, "I don’t know how he can deal with your quirks." At first, I thought it was just jealousy or maybe some weird tension because of the new relationship, but then it started getting more uncomfortable.
A couple of weeks ago, I found out the hard way that Jess had been confiding in Ben about some of the most personal details of my life, stuff I’ve never shared with anyone else. I’m talking about my past relationship trauma, personal insecurities, and family problems.
She’d been telling him things like how I struggle with anxiety, how I feel about my body, and things I’d told her in private about my fears and doubts. She even told him about a traumatic event from my childhood that I’ve never discussed with anyone, not even Ben.
I found out when Ben and I were talking one night, and he casually mentioned some things Jess had told him. I was shocked. I confronted Jess about it immediately, and she just shrugged it off, saying she thought it would be helpful for Ben to understand me better. I was livid.
I told her that those were my private matters, not hers to share. She didn’t apologize. Instead, she said that she thought I was being unreasonable and that I was overreacting because everyone talks to their friends about their relationships.
I tried to explain to her that I never wanted those things to be shared with Ben, and that she’d crossed a line by discussing my private struggles with him without my consent. She still didn’t understand why I was so upset, and to make matters worse, she tried to guilt-trip me by saying that she was only trying to help Ben understand me better.
That’s when I decided to put my foot down and told her I needed some space. After that, she started texting me non-stop, apologizing and begging for my forgiveness, but the damage was done. I feel betrayed, and I honestly don’t know how to trust her anymore.
It’s not just that she shared my secrets—it’s that she didn’t seem to care that she violated my trust. I’ve always been there for her, and now I feel like she’s trying to justify her actions instead of taking responsibility.
Here’s the kicker: Ben thinks I’m being too harsh and says I should forgive Jess because she was just trying to help. But I feel like I can’t just let it go, especially when she continues to downplay what she did. I’ve been debating whether to cut ties with her for good, but I’m not sure if I’m being too extreme. Am I overreacting? AITA for cutting off my best friend over this?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Low_Cookie7904 said:
NTA. Take time to think it through. She crossed a boundary so you’re justified to cut her off. One question, is he her type? As the cynic in me says she’s jealous and wants him at the expense of your relationship. And he likes the attention and wants her around.
Oh_Wiseone said:
NTA - the reasons why she told your bf are irrelevant, she broke your trust and I would stay away from her. In case she is vindictive and might tell your secrets to others, send her one last text, “I need space from you.
Please respect my privacy, just as I hold your talks in confidence. “Something to remind her that you know her secrets too. You may wish to rethink the bf, because if he thinks you’re being too harsh, he has different values than yourself.
No_Jaguar67 said:
NTA. My question is why is Ben sitting around chatting with your friend about your personal stuff? He never thought to tell her ass to mind her business or ask why she was telling him all this stuff? That’s too intimate for me. They would have both gotten blocked. And not he’s defending her now? How long has he even known her? Yea, I’m not really trusting Ben.
CuriousPenguinSocks said:
NTA, but Ben isn't blameless here. He is talking to your friend, letting her tell all your secrets to him and didn't tell you right away? Nah! You are not the AH here and nor are you wrong in any way, I just think you need to extend your ire to Ben as well. They both suck and both can't be trusted.
Curious-Research-319 said:
NTA and I wouldn’t leave them alone together because he obviously cares more about her feelings that yours.
SusieC0161 said:
NTA. She wasn’t trying to help, she was trying to sabotage your relationship, probably out of jealousy. It looks like it might be working too as Ben is taking her side.
HammerOn57 said:
NTA. So she was acting odd and making strange remarks like "I don't know how he puts up with you?" She then goes behind your back and tells him every thought, every detail that you confided in her...but she was only doing it to "help him understand you better?"
Yeah that's a lie. Maybe she wanted him for herself, maybe she wanted you for herself or just hated seeing you in a happy relationship. Whatever it was, it sure as he'll wasn't to help you OP.