'AITA for cutting off financial support to my ex wife and kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for cutting off financial support to my ex wife and kids?"

I was married to my ex wife for seven years, during which we've had two children, a girl and a boy. The girl is special needs and requires additional sessions with medical doctors for communication skills an social conduct.

I divorced her five years ago in less than amicable terms, following which she decided to take our children and move to another country without my consent. Despite this, and the fact that she never requested child or spousal support in court, I've been sending them money on a monthly basis so as to ensure that my kids will have all the necessities in their new home.

Furthermore I've made an effort to visit them on a yearly basis, even though they're thousands of kilometers away from my place of residence.

I've stopped making the monthly payments on two occasions:

The first time my ex requested an additional payment of $500 supposedly in order to purchase clothes for my kids, and I found out that she used all the money to buy herself a plane ticket back to her natal country for vacationing, following which I made it clear to her that if she's going to misuse the money I send her for the children I am under no obligation to continue this practice in good faith.

After I received assurances that no further misuse of the provided funds would take place, I resumed the monthly payments. The second time my ex requested a significant sum for school fees for the two children.

Due to the fact that I had paid a significantly smaller sum on the previous year, and that I had not received a copy of the relevant invoice which I had requested (both for tax purposes and to verify I was not being lied to), I requested from the ex to provide me with the school's liaison so as to settle the payment directly with them.

She got immediately abusive and defensive, acting offended that I don't trust her (major red flag for me) and that she supposedly gets a different rate with the school than I would due to her being unemployed.

After another string of abuse from her end, as well as her stating that she doesn;t need me because she's found another man to take care of her and the kids, I told her clearly that due to her refusal to provide evidence that she's using the money I send her on my children, as well as due to her continuous abuse towards me, I will no longer be making any payments to her.

I has now been a year since I've last send her any money, with no communication from her end. I've send her a message on WhatsApp requesting she verify her present address in order for me to send the kids Christmas gifts but have received no reply. AITA for no longer sending money for my kids to my ex?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

if what you're saying about your ex is true, then you are most definitely NTA at this juncture. but I'm a little curious - why don't you have something done up in court so that your kids will get something from you without your ex squandering it away?

it's not about the money, but more to give your kids some kind of assurance you still think of them and want to help support them in life even if you're not there physically.

OP responded:

I've set up two long term bank accounts in their names so that they can access the funds once they reach adulthood (five digits each so far and counting), the only reason I'm not giving any money right now is that I'm certain she will just spend it on herself.

bbbrashbash said:

ESH. You do realize they're still your children, so yes providing no support makes you an asshole. It's a good thing they have one parent that doesn't feel like they can pick and choose when they're going to support them. And for all your complaining, you haven't actually filed for visitation. Now you haven't seen or heard from your kids in a year?

Throwing money at them years later comes across as "see I had the money to support you all along! I let you guys struggle though because I'd rather throw my hands in the air and call your mom the bad guy" (if they want nothing to do with you, are ya planning on withholding it?) She sucks because your kids should at least have the option of seeing/communicating with you.

OP responded:

Thank you for your reply. You've made a couple of good points which I'd like to clarify. The ex hasn't forbidden me to visit the kids, before we've had our falling out with regards to the monthly support she'd told me I can visit any time.

Problem is it's hard for me to take a week off work to factor in travelling time, and just the travelling expenses (flights, car rental, accommodation etc) add up to a monthly salary each time.

If the kids were living within driving distance I could both visit them and check that at least part of the support money is being used on them, the facts I've witnessed so far indicate otherwise which is why I've made this decision. I don't harbor any ill will towards her despite the fact that she's deprived me of easy access to my kids.

The money I'm saving for them is theirs no matter what they want to do with me, all I plan to tell them is "hey, this is your dad, I've saved some money for your studies which you can come and get any time you want, and if you'd like we can also talk so I can explain some things". It's not ideal, but in my present situation it's the most I can do.

I'm trying to find my kids on social media from time to time, my daughter is old enough and computer savvy to have one, I'd prefer to communicate directly with them that way.

Edit from OP:

Thank you for all your responses so far, just wanted to reply to some frequent questions:

1) Why did you allow them to leave the country in the first place?

A: I didn't know they were going to leave. I left the ex and the kids in my own apartment and moved out, I visited weekly to bring groceries and take the kids out to the park as the ex was pretending to be ill from my leaving her.

She did ask me for plane ticket fare but I refused, apparently she sourced the money from elsewhere or she had saved up her own. The border agents should have stopped her but did not, don't know why or how she made it through but she is a citizen.

2) Why don't you ask for full custody of the kids?

A: I could do that, but it would not be enforced unless the ex came back to my country with the kids, which I've been led to understand will never happen. The decision for the custody cannot be enforced by foreign states, the mom and the kids must reside within the country's borders.

Also, because apparently it's important, according to my lawyer the amount I was willingly sending monthly was significantly greater than the MAXIMUM child support that would be ruled for my income - roughly 50% more, in fact. This may also explain why the ex refused to go to court for child support.

He later shared this update:

Once again, thanks to everyone that offered constructive comments and criticism. I have decided to try to get in touch with the ex and start providing some financial support once again, not having any restriction on how she uses the money but requiring nonetheless that I have weekly contact with the kids over WhatsApp.

As someone correctly commented, if the ex doesn't want to behave as an adult, I have to be a big enough adult for both of us and ensure that the children are not affected from their parents' falling out. I guess my bitterness on being taken for a fool by the ex didn't let me see the whole picture and realize the wider consequences of my actions.

So far, I haven't been able to reach the ex - either she changed her number or just reads my messages without responding - but I'll keep trying.