"AITA for cutting my parents off after they ruined my day?"

So, last week I had the graduation ceremony for my PhD. It was an achievement for which I worked very hard in the last four years. In the country I work in, it is a very fancy ceremony and your family is expected to be present, so I invited my parents. I did not expected them to actually come, but they did.

The thing is, they are extremely dependent on me. They rely on the excuse of not speaking the local language here, but it gets to absurd levels, to the point that they will not have breakfast if I do not make it for them. They will not go out of the house without me, and so on. I live with my boyfriend, so sometimes he assists them, but some other times it *has to* be me.

The PhD ceremony is a very important moment, and I had to prepare a number of things: there was a tribunal, and I had to answer questions about my thesis to them. Then there was a reception, and a dinner. Think about it as a small scale wedding. So, of course, on the days before I was not in the position to be a very dedicated host, since I had a million things to do.

My parents did not like that and acted whiny that they "had to stay at home all day." Okay, so the big day came. The ceremony happens, and it goes well. During the reception my boyfriend takes care of them. Then during the dinner things went to sh!t.

They did not like the food, they complained a lot, they told me that I looked ridiculous with my new dress and criticised some of the members of the tribunal loudly. The tribunal did not speak my mother tongue, but some of the other guests did. Both me and my boyfriend asked them to STFU, first politely, then less so.

After the dinner I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. My parents wanted to go home, so I was like, great! And indicated them where to get the bus that would leave them in my house door. They will not have it. I must go with them. I try to argue, my boyfriend offers to go himself, they are not having it, it has to be me. So I say: I take them home, and then I come back.

The trip back home is a nightmare. They insult me all the time, I look ridiculous, my friends are ridiculous, I am ungrateful, they were left alone all day. And don't I dare to leave them alone to go clubbing! By the time we get home I am in tears, so I just lock myself in my bedroom and I call my bf to tell him I cannot join them.

The next day I brought my parents to the train station and I told them that I was going NC with them since they care so little about me that they decided to ruin the most important day of my life. Then I just left as they yelled at me. Later I got angry texts from my parents and other family members, calling me the AH and worse. I just blocked all the numbers.

My boyfriend thinks I am overreacting a little, since I do not really have to see them everyday, and I should keep their contact, because they are family. So, AITA?

TLDR; My parents ruined my PhD graduation day, I cut them off, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

boiiiiiiiing said:

NTA, I understand your parents are out of their element, but they need to at least try and make do. They also can’t hold on to you forever, and you’re entitled to live your own life.

Longjumping_Dust said:

That is just terrible. PhD graduations supposed to be a moment of great celebration and they should've been proud to give you your one day in the spotlight.

I don't think you overreacted at all. These people that call themselves your family are far too dependent on you in a way that is plainly abusive to you. If and when they're ready to be family you can always reconnect, but the admittance of fault and promise to do better must come from their side. You're NTA, and they really are.

HappilyNutz said:

Do NOT let your parents suck the joy from your amazing accomplishment! Try to place the bad parts of the day into a box, lock it, and throw away the key. Do not look back, but only forward.

There are toxic people in this world and your parents are, sadly, two of them. You can't change your bloodlines, but you can choose how much or little you allow them to touch your life. Oh, and not only are you NTA, but a very, very big CONGRATS!!!!!!!

randomfirefly asked:

INFO: have you tried to set boundaries before?

And OP responded:

I expected something like this to happen, honestly, and I was reluctant to invite them for this very same reason. My colleagues and friends convinced me to invite them. I talked to them beforehand, I explained how things would go.

That I couldn't pay them attention 24/7, that it was a serious thing, that the food will be different to what they're used to (different countries...). They assured me they were fine with it all. Then they were not.

They know no limits. I've always had to do things behind their back, because they just think that I have no right to any intimacy. They would go through my stuff even as an adult, and when confronted they would just say "But I am your mother/father, I have a right to!"

I had a difficult time making and keeping friendships because I was not allowed do do things, or I was allowed and then grounded in the last minute for no reason. They tried to forbid me to move out when I found this PhD position abroad. They do not understand boundaries.

This was really the straw that broke the camel's back. All my life they have been controlling and manipulative. But now that I am far from them I tend to think that well, it wasn't that bad and that I also have a difficult temper. Like, things look better from further away (i am not sure if you understand what I mean). Also, they do not act mean in public, normally.

They are usually offensive to me, at home, but charming to everyone else. They will not be insulting in front of my boyfriend, for instance. So I feel like I am the only one that sees them as they really are, or that I am being overly sensitive.

But there are things that I am almost absolutely sure that are not normal. Like when I was a teenager and I was very depressed (I never got therapy because it was just child stuff) my mother told me to kill myself and stop making everyone miserable. These kind of things stuck to me. So, answering to your question: boundaries does not appear in their dictionary.

She later shared this update:

Thank you all for your comments! I cannot reply to all, but I am reading. I have talked to my BF, and although he doesn't quite understand the decision of going NC, he supports me after I explained to him a few more details. He lost his parents when he was very little, so he would kill for a family of his own.

I did not stay home because they told me so, but because they ruined my mood so much that I did not even want to go out myself, if you know what I mean. My bf and friends are the best, though, and they texted to tell that we will re-celebrate next weekend.

For everyone asking: no, they do not have any physical impairment, they are mid-50s, and perfectly able to use Google Maps _when they want_. At home they live alone and unassisted.

Finally: when other colleagues and friends graduated and their parents came from abroad they behaved perfectly well, even though they did not speak the language.