'AITA for cutting off my 'mom' after learning she’s actually my grandmother?'
"AITA for cutting off my 'mom' after learning she’s actually my grandmother?"
I (22F) recently learned a devastating family secret, and I’m struggling to even put it into words. My entire life, I thought my mom (54F) was the one who raised me as a single parent. She always said my dad wasn’t in the picture and that she sacrificed a lot to give me a good life.
My “older sister,” Emily (37F) (not her real name), was always around when I was a kid. She lived with us until I was about 12, and I adored her. She was the fun, carefree sibling who always treated me like her little buddy. But when I hit middle school, she moved out, and we grew distant. I figured that’s just how adult siblings are.
About a month ago, Emily came to visit, and she looked so nervous the entire time. Eventually, she sat me down and said, “I need to tell you something, and you’re not going to like it.” That’s when she told me she’s not my sister—she’s my mom.
I didn’t believe her at first, but then she started showing me old photos and documents. She explained that she got pregnant with me as a teen and that my “mom” (who’s actually my grandmother) decided to raise me as her own to avoid the stigma of a teenage pregnancy. Emily told me she wanted to keep me, but my “mom” convinced her it was the only way I’d have a stable life and future.
When I confronted my “mom,” she didn’t deny it. She said she “did what she had to do” and acted like I was ungrateful for being upset. She even accused Emily of being selfish for telling me the truth and “ruining the family dynamic.”
I feel like my entire life has been a lie. I don’t know how to feel about Emily—I understand she was a scared teenager, but part of me feels betrayed that she let this go on for so long.
And my “mom” doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong. I’ve been avoiding both of them while I try to process this, but my “mom” keeps calling me selfish and ungrateful, and Emily keeps begging me to forgive her.
I know some people might think this story isn’t real, and honestly, I wish it wasn’t.
I’ve never wanted anything to be less true in my life. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
You’re not the AH at all. They lied to you your whole life—you’re allowed to feel betrayed and take time to process. Your “mom” calling you selfish is wild, like, she’s the one who hid this. Take your space; you don’t owe anyone forgiveness on their timeline.
Family therapist here - this happens more often than you’d think. Not therapeutic advice, just some thoughts as a suggestion to please try to get some counseling if needed. All the people saying “YTA” - this is a stunning discovery for someone, OP has a right to her feelings. I’m going with nobody is an A. Everyone should be understanding that you need some time to process this.
The important thing is to remember is how loved & wanted you were even before you were born. Was it a storybook scenario, maybe not. But you’re old enough no that very few people live storybook lives. Your dramatic event is at the very beginning of your story, later in childhood for your sister/mom and adulthood for your mom/grandma.
itwasaaccidentt (OP)
Thank you so much for this kind and insightful response. It honestly means a lot to feel seen and understood in such a complicated situation. You’ve given me so much to think about, and I really appreciate the perspective you shared as a family therapist—it helps me see things in a way I hadn’t fully considered before.
You’re absolutely right that this is a lot to process, and I know therapy could be a helpful step for me and maybe even for my family. I also appreciate you pointing out that my feelings are valid, even if this situation is more common than I might have thought.
Your comment really made me pause and think about the choices my mom and sister made in a different light. It doesn’t erase how hard this has been for me, but it does remind me that love and good intentions can exist even in imperfect decisions. Thank you again for taking the time to write this. I truly appreciate it.
Wow, this is such a heavy thing to go through. Honestly, you’re not wrong for needing space. People deserve the truth about their lives, and hiding it for so long is just so unfair to you. Take all the time you need to process this.
This is definitely something for a family counsellor, not he internet. I have heard of other families who have gone through the same exact thing; it's not as common any more, now that single mothers are less stigmatized, but it's not unheard of.
Sorry you had to find out right before the holidays. I'm thinking NAH, because, imagine how everyone felt back when you were born - they didn't want to give you up for adoption by strangers, and in your grandma's messed up mind, I think she really did believe she was doing the best thing for both you and her daughter.
NTA. First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Finding out something so massive about your identity and family out of nowhere has got to be completely overwhelming. You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, confused, or whatever emotions are coming up for you right now. This is a lot to process, and no one gets to tell you how to feel about it.