'AITA for making my daughter leave her pet rat at home now that my GF has moved in?'
"AITA for making my daughter leave her pet rat at home now that my gf has moved in?"
My (m45) girlfriend (f45) of 2 years and I have moved in together. Everything is great and she gets along very well with my children. At least with my son. I share custody of my two children (m16 and f15) with my ex wife (f40). There is one problem.
My gf has phobia for mice, rats, squirrels, in other words rodents. This is something we all know and people laugh about it but it is a serious issue for my gf who can’t even see a picture without hyperventilating.
My daughter got a rat as a present when she turned 15. She brought it home and my gf freaked out and she apparently left the apartment without even noticing that she didn’t have her shoes or coat on. I got upset with my daughter because she knows my gf’s fear. I told her that she should leave her pet at her mother’s house from now on when she comes here.
My daughter got upset and started yelling that my gf is being ridiculous and me too. Her rat wasn’t the problem so it shouldn’t have to be kept at her mom’s and that my gf should move out since she’s the one who has the problem with the rat not the rat with her.
I told her that we are family and family makes compromises. Now she is saying if her rat isn’t welcome then neither is she and she’s planning to stay with her mom until her rat is allowed or my gf moved out. My ex wife called me to tell me that I’m the AH for choosing my gf. I told her she was the ah for getting my daughter this present. AITAH?
EDIT FOR INFO:
Yeah, well like many here anticipated...this whole rat thing was planned on purpose and I have to say it makes sense since I never once had the impression that my daughter even liked rats. I was surprised at the birthday party.
My gf and I moved in together about 3 weeks ago and the rat showed up about 10 days ago. I know this now because I have tried to text my daughter about other suggestions like a second rat, a dog etc. She has made up her mind. It is her or my gf in the apartment.
My son told me all of this. He said that my ex wife and my daughter have been bashing my gf and calling her home wrecker. Anyway my daughter can live with her mother for the time being because “legally speaking” children here can decide which parent they want to live with at her age.
The plot twist is that my son expressed desire to move in permanently with me instead and I guess that it is because of all the drama. My son hates conflicts and confrontations.
Of course ex wife is now bombarding my phone because she will be believing that I have put my son up to this because my son said that he will start packing a bigger bag today if I agreed to him moving in permanently (he talked about visiting her instead of living there) and I agreed.
This is escalating very fast and I don’t seem to have found the breaks to stop the madness. My suggestions made things worse. Thank you for listening. If any 40+ divorced parents have any advice on how to resolve this issue I am all ears.
If it is relevant in any way, I didn’t leave my ex, she did. One day she sat me down without forewarning and told me she wasn’t happy anymore and wanted a divorce. Everything went fast afterwards and we were divorced 6 months later.
It was never an affair or anything but I think she liked someone but it didn’t work. After a few months she said she regretted it and wanted to reconcile but I didn’t feel right about it and one thing was her finality in her decision but most importantly I wasn’t in love with her anymore.
So she suggested us dating again. We were supposed to keep that a secret in case the spark didn’t reignite and we would have built up hope in our kids for nothing but she probably told them anyway.
I started dating my now girlfriend around the same time and I fell in love with her. I ended things with my ex. The odd thing is that she cordially accepted my decision. But apparently she hasn’t and I’m reaping what we sowed now.
God it felt good to vent about it here. Thanks again, and again, any 40+ divorced parents who would want to talk, hit me up. Absolutely not interested in input from a 20 year old with no experience of parenting.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
shishi-pc said:
Do right by the rat and get it a buddy because they are extremely social animals and will get really depressed and sad if they are alone. I had two pet rats that spent all their time together and they were so cute and lovable. If they have a companion, then they can be left alone without human interaction and be just fine.
sneaky_swiper said:
NTA but in the eyes of your daughter, logical or not, you've chosen your gf over her, not the rat. If I were in your shoes I would suggest that your girlfriend seek therapy for her phobia and present this to your daughter.
She can't bring the rat, but you and your gf understand how important the animal is to her and are taking steps that foster a comfortable space for everyone. Doesn't matter if she ever gets over her fear enough to let a rat in her house, I think just knowing that you take your daughter's feelings seriously and there is effort being put in will go a long way.
Capable-Flight4966 said:
Unless your daughter had a well known, longstanding love for rodents before she knew your girlfriend's phobia then my guess is she chose that particular pet on purpose. Either way you're NTA, but if I'm right she definitely is acting like one.
Civil-Piglet-6714 said:
Nta, especially since your ex only got her the rat because she knew about the fear.
GadgetusAddicti said:
NTA. Your ex shouldn’t be purchasing pets that need to be brought to your house without you being part of that decision process. From what others are saying, it sounds like she didn’t do any research about what’s needed to properly care for a rat on top of it all.
heathelee73 said:
NTA. Not at all. I don't know why your daughter needs to bring her pet between homes. I never took mine & my stepson doesn't take his. It's unnecessary stress on the animal. All pets are a 2 yes, 1 no situations. Your ex got the rat for your daughter, the rat stays at her home. You were clear about that when you saw it at the party the first time.
UPDATE:
Well, people wanted an update and here it is. My daughter is refusing to talk to me and she has moved in with her mom and said that this is permanent.
My son moved in here with me and I can see that he really enjoys it here. I have been blocking my ex-wife’s number for periods at a time because I have been receiving all kind of threats and insults from her saying I have manipulated my son against her.
My son is a very quiet boy and he never given me any impression that he’s been having a bad time at his mother. I inly noticed when he moved here and started talking and opening up about how miserable he’s been.
The rat, my daughter decided to free him and she and her mom drove to the woods and just let it go. Not expert on rats but that’s the story.
My gf and I have decided to get a dog. Maybe that would change my daughter’s mind about not visiting although I must admit that life has been so much easier now when she isn’t around making everyone go on eggshells not to set her off. Both her and her mom refuse therapy. Over and out.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
Pavlinika said:
OMG. As a rat owner I'm just shocked.
Honey_Sweetness said:
She decided to 'free' a domesticated rat? Yeah it's probably dead now. You can't 'free' domesticated animals, you can only abandon them to die. Also letting any non-native species loose (and the species of rats domesticated ones come from are not native to America) is illegal and environmentally destructive, so both of them are jerks and idiots for doing that.
You don't get a pet and then decide it's not working and dump it, if you must you rehome it or have it put down. Also, if they just dumped it after they weren't able to force it into your home to make your girlfriend uncomfortable or keep her out altogether?
Clearly the one and only reason they even got the rat in the first place was to try and drive your girlfriend away. I'm sorry, but it really sounds like your ex has poisoned your daughter's mind against you to the point that keeping her far away is probably your best option.
The best you can do is probably just tell her that you love her and will be there for her when she decides to try being a decent person, but you are not going to let her try to destroy your life, your son's life and your girlfriend's life for some fantasy about getting the family back together or whatever else your ex is filling her head with.
Tell her you know exactly why she got the rat at all, since she clearly didn't want it as an actual pet, and you're not going to tolerate that kind of behavior from someone who is old enough to know better, especially when it involves hurting people and animals that have never done her any harm.
Take care of your son and girlfriend. Maybe one day she'll wake up and see what a terrible person her mother is, but maybe she won't, and if she doesn't - blood or not - she's not the kind of person you need in your life.
Top-Industry-7051 said:
I'm honestly really angry about the rat. It is not 'freeing' to abandon an animal to death. Obviously you can't do anything about this but it is infuriating. I'm glad your son is coming out of his shell.
RandoJayCommando said:
R.I.P. litte rat. Used as a tool by the daughter and ex to try and drive a wedge between the OP and his current mate. Shame on the daughter and the ex!
Queen_of_the_Goblins said:
I had to rescue a pet rat that was released in the wild near my house. He literally ran up to me asking for help. They are domestic, extremely intelligent, not wild, and cannot live outside. Releasing pets of any kind in the wild is both illegal and morally cruel and disgusting.
sugarmag13 said:
It's amazing to me that the rat she loved so dearly and would not separate from, got let loose in the woods with no 2nd thought. Just like that . Doesn't make sense.