Dad breaks the news to his son, 'I know your GF's child's real father. You're not gonna like it.' AITA? SHOCKING UPDATES.
When this dad is freaked out by the news he has to break to his son, he asks Reddit:
"Today I’ll (45M) have to tell my son (28m) who the father to his new girlfriend’s (35f) child is. AITA?"
There was no cheating involved whatsoever. I’d never do that to my own son. He’s only been seeing her for about 4 months from what he’s told me but she and I dated 2 years ago. But it ended because I was going to be traveling out of work for months, we just lost contact.
She has a one and a half year old son that is very likely my child. My son told me the father isn’t involved but hasn’t given him any other details other than it’s just her raising the kid. I was the one to connected the dots as soon as I realized it was her. You can’t imagine how unbelievably awkward the first time meeting was.
Thankfully it was with other family members around but she was just as freaked out as I was.
This can’t be kept a secret though if this is my child I need to know. And as much as it pains me to put my son in this messed up position he needs to know too. He’s coming over later on so we could talk. I’m beyond nervous I really don’t even know where to start explaining something like this to him. AITA?
Here is OP's first update (after he tells his son):
To update on this since many of you have asked, yes my son knows everything now. The conversation was not easy at all. My son was very confused and upset as would anyone honestly.
I expected him to yell at me but the shock was too much for him to get a strong reaction but he was still very serious. I made sure he knew I’d understand if this is too much for him so whatever he needs from me I will try to do. As of right now he just needs some space.
And I said in another comment that after our talk last night he messaged me about going over to her place so he can hear this from her too. Far as I know they have had their own talk.
But not so sure about where they stand now. He didn’t talk to me all day until he sent me a message earlier telling me he loves me but he’s gonna need some time to himself which I completely understand.
It’s not gonna be something he‘ll easily get over. But he has to know the truth. As far as paternity well we still don’t know anything about that. I have communicated with her about finding a place where we can get this test done and out of the way, so we’ll be doing that this week. It can’t wait any longer otherwise its just gonna drive me crazy.
Before we give you OP's MAJOR update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
deeptowel writes:
How many times has your son introduced a gf to his parents in the past? Does he regularly have gfs and get them easy or are they few and far between? The answer to this gives insight to how he's really taking things.
Just a heads up, if you end up rekindling a relationship with this woman it will pretty much change the relationship you have with your son forever. And despite what all parties are saying at the moment there's a very high possibility she will try to restart the relationship.
Look at things from the sons perspective. He's mature enough to know his father isn't to blame. Emotions however aren't logical.
Being close to 30 there's a very good possibility he was looking to settle down with her and even fantasizing about adopting the kid one day.
(BTW her being a single mother and him stepping up to the plate makes me extra worried she's in the same mindset and was looking to settle down and finding a father figure for her kid and will try to restart the relationship with his dad now that he's an option).
For him the situation is very unfair and it's almost as if he isn't allowed to be angry.
It's because of this I really think something a little more proactive should be done. Not saying something drastic but definitely more than just giving him time. Just giving him time is a polite way of expecting him to just get over it.
And whatever is done it shouldn't come from Dad. It's really easy to overlook but what just happened to him is also extremely humiliating and a little emasculating.
This is a situation he feels he has no right to be angry,sad, or hurt over. It's incredibly embarrassing. He's male. He's going to massively downplay how he feels and lie about being over it. And the emotions will just fester and at worst it will poison future relationships with new insecurities this experience has given him.
Is his mother still in the picture? Other male family that he was close to would also be fantastic. Uncle with cousins close to his age would also be fantastic.
I would reach out to them and let them know your son is hurting and to help him process. From what you said it sounds like he's already seeking emotional comfort from his friends so he clearly needs this support.
However there's no telling what advice these friends will give since they may not have your relationship with him in their best interests. They could be putting themselves in his shoes and give him advice based on the hurt, anger, humiliation, and emasculation they know they would be feeling.
He needs someone he trusts that will be understanding and allow him to be angry with Dad and let him get it out. But also steer him in the right direction where he can legitimately be okay with the situation.
This reader has a conspiracy theory:
amitym writes:
Omg I finally figured out what is going on here. What all the inconsistencies in the ex-gf's side of the story point to. It's pretty shocking. OP is not the baby's father.
This whole thing is a setup, by the ex-gf with the son's help. Wait bear with me. Hear me out.
She got pregnant by someone else, not OP, and has been struggling as a single mother ever since. The actual father is completely out of the picture, probably some complete asshole, but she started reminiscing about OP, did some digging around, found his family, realized he was a pretty decent guy, and came up with a way for the baby to have a good life.
OP wasn't around so she got in touch with the son, told him how important it was that the baby have a decent father, and asked for his help. Knowing what it's like to have parents who are apart, the son wanted to do what he could to at least give the baby a solid family.
So they worked up this whole tale, concocted an insanely short and implausible romance leading to an upcoming family introduction... knowing that OP would notice, and as a decent guy, would step in.
And, when the time came for the inevitable paternity test, the ex-gf slipped a sample of OP's son into the test instead of her baby.
Keep in mind, it's a paternity test. Not a maternity test. So it shows a match between the samples. Never mind that OP's son is not related to the ex-gf, the test isn't looking for that.
OP's son is deeply conflicted about this ruse. He has been having a hard time looking his father in the eye. He's trying to give it time so he can put it behind him as what's best for his "step-brother." But he's worried his dad might see through it. So he's being avoidant right now. Telling himself that in the long run, this is all going to be the for the best.
The rest of the family is totally oblivious. They haven't asked any of the obvious questions about the holes in the ex-gf's story. They are just happy to have a new baby in the family.
And OP..... the dude's got a heart of gold. He doesn't question any of this. He's going along with it like a champ, avoiding any comment threads that come too uncomfortably close, he just wants to do the right thing for a kid who might not have it easy otherwise. My hat's off to you OP. You are a true mensch.
gingerbreadman7 writes:
OP, I hope your son is ok and this does not permanently damage your relationship. You definitely did the right thing by telling him the truth.
Is your son having space from girlfriend as well as he processes this news. It will be probably be better for your son if he ends things with the girlfriend. He is still young and they have only been dating a few months.
He has not met the child either so has not bonded with him yet. I just think how strange it would be if they continued to date and had children. The children would be half brother and nephew/niece.
Whatever he decides about his girlfriend he would still have some form of contact with her as mother of his half brother. He may decide, for this reason not to be in his half brother’s life.
If they do split, please please do not rekindle your relationship with your ex unless you want to kiss goodbye to your oldest son.
thataintright writes:
No 28 year old male should be taking on some 35 year old woman with someone else's child. So if he's porking his half brothers mom do him a favor and break them up so he doesn't become a step dad to his brother.
He needs to find a single woman his own age that doesn't already have someone else's love child. I'm single and never had kids and when I was your son's age I went way out of my way to avoid taking on the baggage of someone else who didn't plan their family well and was irresponsible.
He should enjoy spending his money on himself not some other dudes kid anyways. So break them up quick now before he makes a huge double mistake
Then, OP provides this second MAJOR update:
Apologies for taking so long to update on this. There really has been a lot going on but I’m taking the time to finally get back to all of you after your amazing support. It was a strange situation to be in so believe me I’m glad to have gotten the positive feedback and reassurance that I did.
So yes if you saw the update I included my son does know now about everything. He needed a little time to himself and they did decide in the end to mutually break up. They both knew it wasn’t worth complicating things more down the line when they haven’t been together that long.
My son did admit to me he was a little sad about the relationship but he’s glad I told him before his feelings for her grew to love. We didn’t talk much for almost a week because he was having a boys trip with his close friends and then he needed a little time to get used to all of this information.
The good thing is we are talking again normally. Which I am so grateful for. Seriously it worried me how much this would affect my relationship with him, I’m happy he’s been so open about his feelings. He tells me it’s still crazy how all this happened. He told me he’s accepted it though and might try dating again in another few weeks.
It’s not all perfect. At least we are talking like we always do though. And more than anything I’m so happy he didn’t hold what happened against me since none of us knew about this until we all had dinner.
Now for the part I know lots of you wanted to hear about. We did that paternity test and the results did confirm her son is also mine. Part of me just had a feeling he was anyway but it didn’t hurt to just know for sure.
We have been communicating more and I’ve taken the time to come over to see him almost every day. He’s not weary of strangers, in fact he’s been pretty friendly so that has really helped with trying to bond with him.
Not my first rodeo as a dad obviously but I still feel like I’m learning everything all over again after so long and especially after missing so much time with him already. I’ve been able to hold him and play with him with his toys which is a blast.
It’s just the fact that I have another son that I’ll get to experience many new milestones with always makes me smile. My son knows about his half brother now, he told me he’d like to meet him at some point in the future when it doesn’t feel as weird.
He never met him before that, I explained in a few comments, because they hadn’t been dating long enough to introduce him.
No we don’t live in a small community. She never noticed we were related because we have the most common last name (as common as Smith), this was the first time they were going to be meeting eachother’s family.
They weren’t serious. And she had a rule about introducing any potential boyfriends until they’ve been together at least a year. I don’t know anyone who has kids introducing their partners after only casually dating 4 months. My ex and I had the same rule about partners when we broke up
My son thinks it’s kind of nice knowing he has a brother now. Again though he told me he is going to need more time to adjust before he’s comfortable with officially meeting him. And I understand that completely.
So yeah it’s been quite a ride so far. You can imagine how busy it’s been with a new kiddo to bond with and raise. We are currently working with a lawyer to get all the legal things set right away.
I want to make sure i have my rights as a father and get my time with my son if she ever changes her mind about being compliant and decides to shut me out of his life again. That’s all I have as of right now in terms of an update so I hope this answered some of your questions! :)
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
dialebra writes:
This is a weird situation. On the one hand, both you and your son have slept with the mother of your young son. There's potentially some damage control that you may have to do later on that.
But for now, this was the best outcome that could've come out of this situation. I tip my hat to you for stepping up as a Dad and I wish all four of you the best for the future.
billyboop writes:
Best of luck to you & your sons going forward It's going to be wild interacting all together in the same room with the mother.
I think the most important relationships are you and your sons so put all your focus and attention on those and i wish you nothing but ease ahead.
This is a wild situation, but I'm happy for the sake of that little boy, you sound like a loving & responsible father. I'm glad you both haven't been robbed of a relationship & all the bonding that goes with that together ahead.
Live on & well, i hope your eldest can heal well too. Sounds like you raised him well too, i can't even imagine how he must be trying to wrap his head around all this. Hope going forward things pan out well for you.
Thank you for updating us all, glad it worked out as best it could have. You were honest, upfront & responsible. Hopefully that's a great example for them both too
cantwerk writes:
You know this is kind of great! You didn't know you had another child, and if both your son and you fell, even for a moment, for the same woman, there is a type there.
If your son hadn't have started dating her, you may never have found out you had another child, let alone being able to participate in that child's life starting from now.
Everything was on the up and up, except perhaps from the woman who had your child and didn't mention it, but who knows, people do their best, even if it doesn't always make sense to others. Cool man. a weird ride, but good outcomes!