'AITA for telling my brother he is an idiot for wanting a paternity test?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my brother he is an idiot for wanting a paternity test?'

u/throwaways836252

I 20m have a brother called Jack (29m) who is married to his wife, Amy (26f). About two years ago they had their first child, Lisa.

On our side of the family, we all look extremely alike. Both of our parents have brown hair and brown eyes, so do me and Jack. Amy on the other hand is from Norway and looks very different, she has blonde hair and blue eyes and generally has a very Scandinavian look to her, opposed to our very American look.

So to what I thought was no one’s surprise, of course Lisa got features from her mom. They look pretty much identical, and it seems like they look more alike as time passes on.

This was all fine from my understanding, I don’t know why it even would be a problem. But about one year ago my brother started telling me about how his co-worker has a daughter that looks like the female version of him.

He said that everyone said that the first born, especially if it is a daughter, is the spitting image of their father. I did not find it that weird, as I had heard that before, but I think it is kind off obvious that genetics works weird and in different ways, and what is common is not always what happens to everyone.

I told him just that, that genetics works in surprising ways sometimes. However as time went on he started saying more stuff like this, like asking me where I thought Lisa got her blonde hair from, which obviously was from Amy.

He did this with other stuff, like the nose, the eyes, the little mannerisms Lisa has. It was extremely obvious it was from Amy, which I always told him.

Now I have found out that he is demanding that they take a paternity test as he is extremely sure that Lisa is not his. Amy is extremely distraught by this and has tried to explain to him that Lisa is his, that she just got stuff from Amy and that happens.

He is threatening her with divorce if she doesn’t agree to do a paternity test, as that would be his confirmation on that she cheated. She got to our parents house and broke down, telling us all this.

Our parents have texted him and called him, I have too, but he is now angry with us too because we are taking a cheaters side (his words). She and Lisa is staying with us and she is extremely confused on where all this is coming from.

I called my brother and yesterday and this time he picked up the phone. I managed to have a conversation with him and asked him why, if he had any evidence that Amy ever did cheat or why he thought so. He basically told me that he did not have any evidence but he knew and was a 100% sure on that.

I asked him why and how. He told me that first born daughters always behave, look and are a carbon copy of their father, but Lisa is not even remotely like that. He said that if it isn’t like that, then Lisa would at least have some features from him, which she don’t.

I was getting angry at him because it just seems so weird to even come to that conclusion, I told him that he was an idiot for all off this and that he will regret all this later on. He hung up and is even madder at all of us, saying that Amy has manipulated us all and that we can’t crawl back to him when the truth is out.

I have not told Amy that this is the reason or that I have talked to him, because I don’t think she will react that well to hearing this. However, my parents are saying that it was extremely unnecessary of me to behave like that when I got talking to him, as this may have been our chance to have a mature and serious conversation with him.

So, AITAH for how I reacted?

Edit: I have seen a few comments about this and thought I would try my best to answer, but since I am just hearing about this from Amy and I was not there during the whole ordeal, I don’t have 100% of the answers and they are basically just what she has told me.

He basically sat her down, told her that he was going to be honest with her. Then he said that he did not think Lisa was his, that he basically knew she cheated on him and that he would do a paternity test.

He did not go behind her back and do it, why I can’t answer. They then had a fight and I don’t know who left first, I don’t know exactly what was said, all I know is that my brother is at a friend of his and Amy came here.

Amy is not upright refusing the test either, but when he brought it up she was extremely hurt by him insinuating that she would cheat on him. She has been with my brother for seven years, they had a seemingly great relationship up until this.

She is mostly hurt by the accusations and that her relationship is most likely never going to be the same. She told me that the last couple years now just feels like a lie, that he for the most part thought she was cheating.

Edit 2: Thanks again, i have tried reading everything both in the comments and messages.

The test will happen, I will update in the meantime if anything happens that is worth updating for, if not I will try my best to just update with the results when they are done. Thanks again for everything.

OP says the test will happen — here's what the people said in the comments.

She_who_knites:

"He told me that first born daughters always behave, look and are a carbon copy of their father,"

This is evidence of a delusional belief system that's been reinforced by psuedo scientific clickbait websites. Rather than fight with him over his delusion, it would be better for Amy to burst his bubble with real science.

He actually doesn't need permission to do a test so make him do it all himself. Do the swabs and mail them off so he can't create a new delusion that the test was wrong or fake. Your brother might actually be mentally ill. Or just dumb and naive enough to believe the internet.

BeardManMichael:

NTA. Your brother is dumber than a box of rocks. Or this could be a mental crisis brought on by some unacknowledged insecurities that he has. Either way, I don't think there is anything wrong with how you reacted.

Idoitforthedopamine

NTA. Also, has your brother never taken a science class? Sheesh.

useful-teach-8418

NTA. None of my children look like me (at all). I can guarantee they are mine (I gave birth to them and they did not leave my sight for several weeks after their births)...

holiday_horse3100

I would hand him the paternity test results at the same time as the divorce papers

windstrider71

Your brother is a moron who listens to too much TikTok nonsense. I hope he enjoys his divorce and child support payments. NTA

significant_cat_3

NTA Honestly calling him dumb is generous. Has he not taken like basic middle or high-school biology?

Also as a firstborn daughter I literally look like a younger version of my mom. Older relatives have actually confused me for her a few times.

He’s either way too upset that his daughter doesn’t look like him, projecting that she cheated when he did, or he wants out and is trying to find a reason. None of these are good reasons as to why he’s doing this.

Anroar1

Amy needs to divorce your neurotic brother. Where is it written in any book the first born looks and acts like the dad? Ntah

A while later OP came back with this update:

Hi everybody who will read this update I am sorry for the wait, but I hope I can answer it all. First things first, the paternity test was done and the results got back, Lisa is my brother’s, no doubt there.

So some off you thought that my brother was cheating on Amy, and from what we all have gathered he is not cheating on her. Now to what drove him to this point, we think we know.

I mentioned in a comment that my brother had anxiety when he was younger, now I know that anxiety was more severe than I ever thought. It is most likely what happened again, his anxiety has mainly been pointed towards other people.

He doesn’t trust that they want was best for him, one example they told me was that he apparently refused to sit besides someone in classrooms, because he thought they would take their pens and stab him. This is just one example. He also believed that people were conspiring against him, especially close friends.

So what happened was that one of his co-workers had brought their daughter to the office one day, and everyone talked about how his daughter looked like him if he was a girl and 30 years younger.

After this they apparently started talking about genetics in the lunchroom for sometime, like almost every dad showed pictures of their daughters who looked just like them, all moms showed pictures of their sons who looked just liked them. (Of course this was not the case for everyone, but for many).

This apparently sparked something in my brother, he started obsessing over genetics, and what “confirmed” his thoughts was that brown eyes and hair should outweigh blue eyes and blonde hair. He fed into these thoughts and obsessed over them for almost a year.

Also for why he just didn’t do the paternity test, he wanted to show Amy how easy it was to not keep secrets. He thought that if he was honest about “knowing” about her being unfaithful and being honest about wanting a paternity test, it would be easier for her to come clean. It was also so that he could walk out of it knowing he did everything 100% right, while she did not.

Amy does not want a divorce right now at least, and my brother should be extremely thankful for that. They are going to both couples therapy and individual therapy, Amy for things unrelated and Jack for well, all of this and his issues with anxiety. They are going to live separate for a while, but they are very insistent on making this work.

Jack is not completely fine, and while we do want to trust him we think that the answers from the paternity test is just braking things down for him. We have tried to get him into therapy as quickly as possible, but we couldn’t find any available appointments until next week, which is still quicker than expected.

He is still very sorry for all of this, he had a very emotional reaction to seeing the test and he kept telling Lisa that “you know daddy loves his little girl” when he was here.

If there still are questions you want answers to I will try to answer them as best as I can.

Edit: I talked with my parents about it this week because to be it sounded like something more severe/worse than just anxiety from what I have read. But they told me that it was just anxiety, that it portrays different in different people and that he just happens to be one of those affected by it more.

I have never suffered from anxiety, so I kind off just took their word for it. If it is something more severe I want him to get the help that he deserves, I will talk to Amy about this because she has also questioned if it is just anxiety.