Dad gives son $15,000 for his wedding knowing it 'would not go down well' with his daughter. AITA?

"AITA for giving my son $15,000 for his wedding knowing that'd it would not go down well with my daughter?"

My [50M] son [29M] is getting ready to marry his fiancée of three years. I know her and I very much approve of their marriage. She's awesome and I couldn't be prouder of my son. I told him that I'd help pay for his wedding and his mother and I managed to put together $15,000 which should help them have a pretty decent wedding.

My son announced his wedding, and eventually my daughter [27F] found out from my son's fiancé. She called me pretty irate since money has always been a sore spot between us.

Around 10 years ago, my son went off for college and my daughter went shortly after. My son went to a local community college and later became a welder. My daughter was always more academically minded than him and got accepted to a pretty great school in New York for music.

Problem is, my wife and I made too much money for her to get many grants or scholarships. I paid for my son's community college in full, but my daughter's college fund would basically only cover one year of tuition at the nice school and I'd be out of pocket a little for room and board as well for that year.

I told her that while I am so proud of her for getting into that school, I don't agree with her going to that school since we can’t afford it. She didn't accept any alternative such as going to a local school or going to a cheaper school in New York. She said that she was going irregardless, so I relented.

I paid the deposit and she went. I paid the bills until her fund ($50,000) was done. She then started taking out loans for school even though I advised her against it, and she tried having me sign loans in my name to help pay for her education which I did not, which didn't help our relationship. Our son got the rest of his paid out in a bulk sum out of fairness.

She graduated with about $150,000 in student loans. She worked for an orchestra for a while, but didn't make a lot so she became a teacher in New York but continued to struggle financially due to the burden of her loans. She frequently asked for money which I stopped helping with two years ago.

I once offered to have her move back home rent free, but she doesn't want to move from New York to rural Florida. We cut her off financially. This has led to afrosty relationship with my daughter as she blames us for her woes (not taking loans for her and not helping more with her college costs).

She even had a fiancé break things off when he found out her loan burden which she blamed us for. It all culminated with her calling in tears, blaming us for her financial condition, calling us terrible parents, and that since we obviously care for our son more, he'll be the only one we have contact with.

We tried to reassure her that we still love her so much and we'd make a similar contribution should she get married, but that didn't help her calm down. She hasn't returned our texts or calls in a while and we're pretty beat up about it, my wife especially is crying pretty often. Did I mess up? Am I the a-hole? I miss my baby girl.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

buttgers said:

Definitely NTA. Your daughter was also an adult going to an expensive school back then. Hey loans are her fault. Her career path was her choice. That's all on her. You even financially supported her more than your son. Why does your son need to be punished financially for making better career decisions than your daughter? She's delusional and needs to accept her natural consequences.

ScarletDevi69 said:

NTA. OP, it’s great that you’re standing your ground. You’re aware that you’ve already spent significantly more on your daughter compared to your son, and it’s important to ensure fairness. Actions have consequences, and she can only hold herself accountable for the situation she’s in now.

You’ve already suggested alternative solutions, but since she’s refusing to compromise, it’s not on you to meet her demands. Stay firm and don’t give in.

100percenthuman_ said:

Soft YTA. Generally speaking, you should give your kids the same amount and based on what you’ve posted, you basically have. However, the messaging around money seems wildly divergent. Based on what you wrote, your son is older and twice now you’ve basically just offered up money to him on a platter—his education in full and now a chunk of his wedding. For your daughter money conversations have been an argument.

Aside from money, it really seems that you don’t approve of your daughter’s life but you do your son’s. Your favoritism comes across in your post and I think the money issue is just the symptom of that.

YTA because you knew money was a sore spot with your daughter and instead of getting ahead of it via honest communication, you didn’t tell her and she found out from her brother’s fiancé. You didn’t even consider her feelings (even if she doesn’t deserve additional money from you).

exploresparkleshine said:

NTA as long as your children were aware of how much their college funds were prior to applying. When I went to school, I got into a local university (with academic scholarships) and lived at home. My education fund covered 4/5 years of my tuition and I had enough time to save up for the last year working part time. My sister got a sports scholarship to a university farther away.

My parents gave her the same fund and extra money to help out, but she still had to take student loans to cover her last few years. Moving away, especially to a high cost university in an expensive city, was your daughter's choice. She has to deal with the ramifications of that choice.

If you have the ability, perhaps offer that you will give her a similar $15k. It can be her choice if that is saved for a potential wedding or if she wants it to pay towards her student debt. That is more than "fair" and gives her the ability to decide what type of support is more important.

EvenSpoonier said:

YTA, but not for the reason you're probably thinking. The issue osn't about the present money concerns, but the past ones. Framing the college choice as a "disagreement" was a mistake, and your daughter rebelled against the disagreement.

It would have been better to say "Okay, this is how much we can pay, and it doesn't cover everything, so if you really want to do this, you're going to need to figure out how to make up the difference. We can help you figure things out, but we can't afford to pay your whole way at this school."

Essentially, this is a catastrophic failure to manage expectations. At this stage, convincing her is going to be difficult. Maybe it's time to bring in a family therapist.

By setting up clearer expectations of what you could and could not do, you could have avoided this. Instead she thinks you're punishing her for disagreeing with you, even though that isn't actually what you're doing.