Young woman's bond with father fractured after he replicates their matching tattoo with new stepfamily. AITA? UPDATED 4X
"AITA? My dad got a tattoo in the style of our matching tattoo with his new family and now I want to get mine covered."
My father (41m) and my mother (40f) divorced three years ago. I live with my mother. My father remarried a year ago. His wife has two children (18f) (15m). Me (18f) and my dad got a matching tattoo two years ago. It was a simple outline tattoo of a photo of us.
After my dad got married, things started to get a bit more distant between us because he started to spend more time with his new family. Besides that, I think he doesn't want to see me around them. I don't know why, after all, I've never treated his wife or stepchildren badly.
Yesterday he refused to meet me on a weekend when we were supposed to spend time together saying he was unavailable and he reposted a story of him hanging out with his new family that. While looking at the photo, I saw that he got a new tattoo on his arm. It was an outline tattoo of a photo of him with his new family, just like the tattoo he got with me.
Now I know that millions of people have these tattoos and it's not my original design. Still I'm disappointed that he got a tattoo with his new family in the same style as ours because I always thought that tattoo was special between us. Now I'm thinking of getting it covered or removed.
I called my dad in the evening and asked him why he was hanging out with his family instead of meeting me. He said they planned it earlier which doesn't make sense because it was agreed in court after the divorce that I could spend time with my dad every weekend.
So "we planned it earlier" is a pretty BS excuse. He also knows that I'm totally okay with spending time with his family. When I told him that he said, "it's not that simple." I guess I'm too dumb to understand "complicated" things because he doesn't even try to explain it lol.
Then I asked him why he got his new tattoo in the same style as ours. He said he didn't think it would be a problem for me. I told him, "you broke something special between us, how can you not realize that? I think I'm going to get my tattoo covered. You can do the same."
He thinks I'm overreacting and I shouldn't be so selfish. My mom says what my dad did wasn't such a bad thing. She thinks we should sit down and talk. I'm not sure. AITA?
Edit: Tomorrow I will try to talk to my dad face to face. I hope to discuss openly about whatever the issues are between us and find a way out. i don't think my mind will change about the tattoo, but i will not rush to get it covered. thank you for your advice. if things go well i will also try to write an update.
Update:
This morning we had breakfast together and had a long talk. It turned out that the problem all this time was my stepsister. He told me that she was struggling with the whole marriage.
The reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me. He also said that she didn't feel at ease around me, which I was really surprised about.
We hadn't fought once, and we hadn't even been together long enough to have any disagreements. That's why he didn't invite me that day. He wanted to be a good father figure in her life. Still, he said that I might get closer to my stepsister in time, who knows when.
He also said I can get my tattoo covered if I want, but he would never do that to his. For him, the tat still has the same special meaning. Honestly, it would really make me feel like an AH to get mine covered while he keeps his, I'm not sure what to do.
Lastly, the hardest thing for me was finding out that they were moving to another state. His wife got a better paying job and he's going to start a business with a friend there. He told me that he will be very busy with all the moving, but will spend as much time with me as possible until he moves.
He also promised to visit me often after the move, which I don't think he'll be able to keep I guess he's really moving into a part of his life where i'm not in it, and there's not much I can do about it. Thank you all.
Update 2:
Today my stepbrother replied to my story and we started talking. I told him about the latest things and he told me a lot of things I didn't know.
He said that it's true his sister doesn't feel at ease around me, but she never said anything to my dad about not inviting me. In fact, her discomfort isn't so great that she couldn't stand to be in the same place with me. It was my stepmother who asked him not to invite me that day. And she came up with the whole idea of the tattoo.
He said his mom doesn't like my mom at all. He's not sure if this is based on something or not. When I asked my mom about it, she said she never met that woman even once. I think her dislike for me comes from her baseless hatred for my mom and my dad played along with her.
Also, I didn't mention it here, but my dad told me they are moving in November. My stepbrother actually told me they are moving next week and that was the plan all along.
He told me he is sorry for what happened to me and only told me these because he thought I had to know the truth. He also asked me not to let his mom know about this conversation.
My dad wasn't really like that, he was a good man. I mean, all those lies, cutting me out of his life, that's not like him. I don't understand why he turned into such a person, but I really don't want to talk to him once more to get it. He's moving away next week anyway.
I told my mom about this and asked her to call my dad, tell him that I would never see him again. My mother passed this on to him without mentioning the conversation.Ii also blocked my dad from everywhere. Soon I will get the tattoo covered.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Getting a tattoo in the same style could have been a cool idea if he'd talked to you first. That he didn't then appeared to avoid you to hide it, shows that he knows it was bad.
Even if that wasn't the case, it's your body and you're allowed to tattoo whatever you want on it including covering up a previous tattoo. But that also means you don't get to ask him to cover up his. You can hate it and tell him so but you can't demand he change it.
There's no evidence in the story of her "demanding" he change it, she's just saying she will and as far as she's concerned it's lost its meaning and value and literally says "you can" (as in "you can for all I care), not "you have to," so you're not really making much of a point in your second paragraph. NTA 100% though.
NTA. I'd want to get mine covered if I was in your place.
Five months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi, I want to give a little update but it's not too cheerful. My dad really moved away that September, just before that he came to our house to talk but I couldn't confront him. Still, I broke no contact. We ended up talking on the phone many times.
He promised a lot that he would make things right between us. Stuff like how he would come to visit me and he didn't keep any of it. Two weeks ago, I stopped talking to him again.
I've also been going to therapy since the new year. It's not only for my dad, I have other problems too. My therapist is really nice and she helps me a lot. Apart from all this, my life is actually pretty good.
I have my mom and friends who are there for me. Lastly, I kept the tattoo. I couldn't make a final decision about what to do and I think it will stay like that for some time. I don't think I'll be posting another update later so please take care.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The best revenge is a life well lived. He will regret this all one day. That’s not on you. You can take the time on what you decide to do with the tattoo. There’s no rush.
Did you ever confront your father about the lies? If not, you really should that would help with closure. I am so sorry that you were treated that way. Stay strong. You have an amazing mom in your corner.
If nothing else, to make him feel something. His silent shame isn't enough, he deserves a more... open embarrassment. Makes me wonder what her contact with her Dad's side of the family is like and what their view on the situation is.
Personally, that's the route I'd go for closure; air the dirty laundry. It can't hurt, OP anyway; if it hurts somebody else, so be it. That's what they get for leaving their dirty laundry in OP's hamper 🤷♂️
Fourteen months later, the OP returned with their final update.
Heyyyyyyy. First off, the fact that I’m back here a year later kinda tells you life hasn’t been super smooth lol. It’s been a year full of mistakes. I failed some classes in college, got fired from my part-time job, and me and my roommate are struggling to pay rent. And yeah, I moved out.
My relationship with my mom is still great, nothing new there. As for my dad, some of you are probably gonna be mad but I'm talking to him. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t met him, but he’s kinda one of those people who just has something about them.
No matter how mad you are, he somehow finds a way back into your life. Still a terrible dad, like really bad, but not gonna lie he did help a little this year. I asked him for money like 4 or 5 times and he sent it twice hahah.
The business he said he was gonna start is actually doing pretty well. I follow their insta page and I even made a few reels for them. One of them got over 100k views. I didn’t get paid or anything but he complimented me.
It’s kinda embarrassing to admit, but my relationship with my dad is lowkey like a drug. When he says something nice it makes me happy, but then he always ends up doing something that pisses me off again. I don’t know how long this weird cycle will go on but for now I guess I’m okay with it. And I feel guilty for even saying that.
By the way, he said we might see each other in person this summer. Like just the two of us going on a little vacation for a week or something. I don’t really believe it’s gonna happen but still a promise is a promise. Maybe it will, I don't know.
Also, I don’t talk to my step siblings. Not in a dramatic way or anything. We just kinda naturally stopped communicating (not that we talked much anyway). Honestly, I don’t really feel like reaching out.
I hear stuff about them from my dad sometimes. I pretend to care but it goes in one ear and out the other. No clue what my dad’s wife is up to either he doesn’t bring her up and I don’t ask.
About the tattoo… it’s still there. Turns out covering or removing a tattoo isn’t as easy as it sounds. I’m not even a tattoo person to be honest. If I could go back even if things were good with my dad, I wouldn’t have gotten it.
I think I’m just gonna leave it for now unless they invent some pain-free five-minute removal tech lol. I know this probably isn’t the kinda update most people were hoping for but I'm not a movie character. Life’s messy.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Thank you for this update. Relationships with parents can be complex and often so difficult to wrap your head around. It sounds like you are level-headed, and looking at the future with some sensible resignation but an open heart. I sincerely hope things start looking up for you! Best of wishes to you!
This is so heartbreaking. OP sounds like a lovely person and deserves to be loved and appreciated and wanted and respected.
Aw, poor dear OP. It’s so hard to untangle the web that toxic people weave. I hope she continues with therapy and manages to someday unpack the relationship she has with her father.
She’s absolutely right that it feels like a drug and she keeps getting sucked back in. The intermittent reward of his positive attention keeps her hooked and desperate more than if he was just always good or always terrible.