'AITA for pulling my daughter out of therapy?'
"AITA for pulling my daughter out of therapy?"
So I (60M) have a daughter Hayley (22F) with Sheila (47F). When Hayley was 2, I split with Sheila to begin addiction recovery and then filed for full custody when Hayley was 5 after trying hard to work things out with Sheila without involving the law.
We had a lengthy court battle, I was awarded full custody, and Hayley came to live with me full time in a clean, healthy, safe environment when she was 8. I was her sole caretaker until she moved out for college.
Sheila continued to fight for more visitation, but due to her substance use and related activities, she was denied.
Even so, I knew that one toe out of line could get Hayley taken from my care, as it was very hard to get the courts to side with me (I actually had to take the case to court TWICE) and courts in the 90s and 2000s heavily favored the mothers in these cases. This is all context to help you understand why I made the decisions I did.
When Hayley was 14, I took her in for a regular doctor’s check-up with her PCP. After the check-up, I was told Hayley would be placed in therapy after taking a questionnaire that I didn’t consent to them giving her.
They said her results indicated that she should be sent to a mental health professional, but they wouldn’t say why. I didn’t agree with them (Hayley has always been a very happy, healthy, bright girl and aside from the normal angry teen phase, she was a great kid), but they were the doctors, so I trusted their judgement and took Hayley to the therapist they assigned her.
I was bringing her home from her fourth session when I was pulled over for having an out break light. He then claimed that he smelled [xxxxx], pulled me out, searched my vehicle, found nothing, and still arrested me in front my kid. I was released almost immediately when the sheriff was told the details and said it was bullshit and let me go.
I was terrified that if Hayley told her therapist about this, who I assumed to be a mandatory reporter, that the information would be passed to CPS and she’d be removed from my custody, so I pulled Hayley out of therapy. I told her that her insurance couldn’t cover it anymore (false) and that I couldn’t afford it (true). She said okay and that was that.
Last week, Hayley called me for our weekly check-in. She told me she’s “therapist shopping” and I asked her why she’d waste time paying someone to listen to her problems when she could just tell me anything she needs to vent about.
She said that’s not what therapy is about and that just because “I don’t believe in it” doesn’t mean it doesn’t help people. We continued to argue and she said she wouldn’t have all these problems (or something to that effect) if I hadn’t taken her out of therapy at 14, then hung up. She hasn’t been responding to calls or texts since.
Edit from OP: To those of you now arguing about the timeline, my daughter was born in September of 2001. I filed for custody September 2006, a week after her fifth birthday because she was withheld from me and I didn’t get to celebrate that milestone with her and I was tired of never seeing my daughter.
I finally won custody in May 2010, after two different attempts and years of fighting while Sheila’s family ran a smear campaign against me just for wanting to be a father.
Let's see what readers thought:
asageh7 writes:
YTA. You pulled her out of therapy that she was put into because she was evaluated and found to have need of said therapy.
Why do you think you would be NTA in this situation? You know that she needed therapy, took her out of it and lied to her about it. She's an adult now, she can't be taken away from you, and she wants therapy. Why would you ever try to convince her pursuing therapy is a bad thing?
TangerinePurple7595 OP responded:
If she wants to do it that’s fine but it’s a huge waste of her money/the nation’s tax dollars for her health insurance. They’re just going to give her meds she doesn’t need and if she gets hooked she’s going to have a hard time coming off of it because of her genes.
She didn’t “need therapy” as a child, the hospital was just helping that therapy company pad their pockets. She was a very happy kid with no issues other than her disappointment of a mother, and she never let that get her down. I was ALWAYS with her while she lived with me, if she was depressed or mentally ill I’d know about it.
owlscard writes:
YTA. You made some shit choices around Hayley's care, including taking her out of therapy in a fit of irrational fear, which ultimately probably harmed her. But more importantly - she's 22 now, so what stance do you have to prevent her from seeking a therapist?
It's no longer something that would threaten your custody. Furthermore, therapy is NOT just for 'venting' (dismissive take, BTW) and it would be utterly inappropriate for you to try to be a surrogate to your daughter's therapist.
You have NO stance to argue here. She is an adult and should pursue therapy if she feels it would help. You need to shut up about it, you've done enough harm.
saltyharm writes:
YTA You denied your daughter mental health care that she needed at a very vulnerable time in a young adult's life over a bullshit reason, and you're trying to talk her out of it now? What are you so afraid of? She's 22, she's not going to be "taken away" from you now.