Dad plots epic revenge when he finds out wife is 'turning his daughters against him.' AITA? SHOCKING UPDATE.
When this father is convinced that his wife is turning his family against him, he asks Reddit:
"My daughters have turned against me and my wife is behind it. I have to get back at her. AITA?"
‘I have 2 daughters (6 and 4 yrs old) and I love them with all my heart, we live a happy life in general, I am always involved in the details of their day and always find ways to create bonds with them (doing crafts, playing puzzles, reading stories)
Often I get comments from my big daughter like (don’t sneak up at night and eat our food) or (you are so fat though I am mildly obese and not extremely overweight).
Later on I found out that my wife is talking shit about me behind my back to my kids so they would love her more than they love me (like she tells them that I don’t bring them gifts although I always do and she takes credit for the gifts I bring).
One day my daughter hugged me and kissed me on my cheek then my wife bursted at her saying: ah now your daddy’s little princess ha! Don’t talk to me again, then my daughter ran to hug her.
I used to not make a big fuss out of these little things, but What really broke my heart that one day I was talking to my daughter and we were discussing that people eventually will die, then I asked her how would she feel if I died, she said it would suck, I asked is it because you love me?
She said (well, I don’t love you that much because you don’t bring me gifts like my mom does and you always sneak up at night and eat my snacks) that answer was like a shock to me.
When asking my wife why does she say bad stuff about me to the girls, she starts laughing and saying that I am talking like a little boy and it is all just kidding, although I’m pretty sure it is not.
it changed my image in front of my kids and one day who knows what might she be saying to them behind my back. I think I should get revenge. AITA?
Before we give you OP's disturbing update, let's read some of the top responses:
soobalooba writes:
Bruh. That is not acceptable. Not as a joke (which its not) not as a real comment, not as a parent to another, not as a parent to their children. Its abuse, mental and emotional abuse. Write it all down.
Take notes of time and day and years and keep it all. Even if you dont do anything lawyer wise. Keep it noted so your kids can read it when they are adults and know who their mother really was when shit hits the fan. F that shit. Trust me. Your girls will work it out eventually but have the backup.
katja7 writes:
It's called parental alienation. You know some of the script she has for your daughters. Counter with something else.
"I promise that I'm not the one eating your snacks!" "Here's a gift card for you - next weekend we'll go and get you a gift since it's xyz." "Part of my gifts to you you can't really see.
My gift to you is my work, so that we can have a nice house, so that Mama can buy you your gifts, so that we can eat nice things, so that you have nice clothes."
keepercreature writes:
Your situation is actually so similar to the challenges I had to overcome that it’s uncanny. You’re right to identify it as a problem given our situations have been so similar but circumstances (separated and married) shouldn’t make that possible.
You’ve done the right thing raising the issue with her. She might have become defensive and tried to shrug it off but if she cares about you then it will not be ignored entirely so give it time to see if it makes a difference...
and remember that children will say things that make it sound as though the other party has been badmouthing… not so long ago I got a call from my sons mum asking if I had said her father would die soon as my son had said I told him as much.
After some head scratching I remembered a conversation where my son who is 5, asking whether he would die and me telling him not to worry as he is only 5 and that people die when they are old.
He has taken that explanation and applied it to people in his life but then relayed it in quite a different context. So do seek explanations in a genuine way before taking it as confirmation.
Have you considered speaking to a marriage counsellor? I regret that I was opposed to it before my separation because after separation I agreed to do it to make things smoother for the custody arrangements and found it was incredibly helpful.
Edit: There is some really bad advice being posted on here; You should not use your conversations with your daughters as a way to look for things your wife may have said and then try and change their mind by putting a different spin on things.
That is a really unhealthy approach for everyone involved and sets in motion a child living a life being dragged in to the middle of their parents relationship problems. Raise any issues directly, consider speaking to a professional with your wife if you want to continue the relationship (which I assume you do).
lovesswag writes:
I was just like your little girls. I grew up hating my dad because of all the deceit my mother fed me. Those little lies turn into big ones like “your dad is ashamed of your college choice and is trying to steal your college funds away but I’ll protect you.”
She ruined my relationship with my father and I am just now getting it back at the age of 27. It has been heartbreaking for both of us and we both recently cut my mother out of our lives. Her toxicity knew no bounds.
Imagine the insecurity, deceit, and cruelty it takes to lie to a child to get more love. She will keep lying, she will keep being cruel. I hope for your sake you don’t have the same story I did.
Be honest with your daughters, do things separately with them from your wife no matter how much she protests. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Divorce won’t help the situation with the kids as she will keep being a monster, but it will help with your mental sanity. There is no right answer here, my heart just goes out to you.
uncleboodoo writes:
YTA. Well, you should not be asking a 6 year old how they would feel if you die, and her answer is pretty typical of a 6 year old’s reasoning even if your wife said nothing. I mean love is not based on someone giving gifts but to a 6 year old yeah.
But your wife acting like she will reject your daughter if she kisses you is wrong too, although I have seen people do that playfully. I wasn’t there so I don’t know if it was playful or manipulative.
I think you guys should look into parenting classes or counseling with a pediatric psychologist to set some boundaries regarding what is and is not appropriate.
I can tell you that as a child I was much more attached to my mother. She was a stay at home mom and the primary caregiver and the one I spent most of my time with. I got closer to my dad as an adult but in childhood I was a mama’s girl.
squidset writes:
this is horrific and manipulative, having been raised by a mother like this it goes far far beyond damaging the relationship with the father, mothers like this may also brainwash dependence and fear into their daughters (eg, the world is cruel and dangerous but i am safe and trustworthy).
primarily if your wife is so insecure and threatened by you having a relationship with your daughters that threatens 'how much they love her' rather than adds to it, there are HUGE problems. the validation and she security she finds in manipulating them to 'love her more' completely overshadows her concern for their wellbeing and future.
the part where your daughter kissed you on the cheek broke my heart. children like this may spend so much of their time trying to regulate their mothers emotions and behaviour, soothing and placating her that they never truly discover what they want and how to set emotional boundaries.
it can lead to a life of romantic relationships where your daughters are taken advantage of in their efforts to help people, confusion and lack of sense of self.
your wife needs help if she's anything like my mother she is terrified of being abandoned, it is a bottomless pit of fear that can NEVER be filled by your daughters, the more they try the more they'll be 'doing wrong' 'loving you more' 'hating her'
laraloomax writes:
NTA. Your wife is awful, and you should know better. I can't imagine all the other ways, big and small, she's using to break you down and make you feel inferior. I bet your home life is a living hell and you aren't even fully cognizant of it due to deep denial and repression.
Yeah, I know I'm out a limb here but that's just my gut feeling. I think you probably put up with way, way too much shit from this woman. If my wife EVER did something like what you're describing I would call her out immediately and firmly and if it didn't stop, escalate from there. NOBODY comes between me and my kids, not even her.
I wouldn't jump straight to divorce here but you need to wake yourself up from the stupor and take a solid, clear look at yourself in the mirror. Is THIS the kind of life you want to lead? Is this what it was all leading up to? Find your fg nuts dude, put her in her place. It all starts from there.
And by the way, your kids disrespecting you is not ok either. You need to straighten out your relationships with them. Spend quality time, FAR AWAY from the wife, so they can express their love for you without needing to fear your wife's passive-aggressive, manipulative abuse will rear its ugly head.
powerfulpatel writes:
NTA!!! Your wife has a mental health problem that is severely damaging your relationships with your daughters. This behavior is both selfish and cruel and does not in any way come close to good parenting.
I will guess that if you ask her to go seek mental health help she will laugh at you and become worse. If you want to get this straightened out if it’s at all possible you need both of you to at least go to couple counseling. I would think any good therapist will refer her out for help.
If she will not go and if you have had enough then please start documenting all and anything that she says to your daughters and to you. Go and find yourself a good divorce attorney. She is not mentally stable enough to have full custody of your daughters they are probably going to need therapy themselves because of what your wife has done to them.
Do not stay for your family you do not have a family unit here at all. Your daughters need your help to get out of this horrible situation so they can see what a normal life is like.
calmnegotiation writes:
My mother tried to alienate me and my siblings from my father. It didn’t work on my brother and I, but it did work on my sister. She basically hates my Dad and she doesn’t believe he loves her.
My brother and I were affected and repeated many of the hurtful things she said to my Dad but now that we are grown we understand the truth. Spending as much intentional time with your girls as you can will help. Be involved in their activities outside the home and away from their mother.
Parental alienation is terrible and I know this is a difficult situation but telling your girls the truth consistently will help. Tell them you never steal their snacks and explain why comments about your weight hurt your feelings.
Constantly remind them how much you love them and that you are the one who bring them gifts. Remind them of specific instances.
It may be necessary to tell them their mother is lying. It’s awful to put the blame on your partner, but ultimately, if you don’t your girls will be the ones suffering. Children naturally believe the things their parents tell them, especially at such a young age.
They won’t even consider the fact that their mother is lying until they are much older, and by then it may be too late to change their feelings about you. If they don’t understand their mother is lying now they will internalize everything she tells them about you and could possibly believe them for the rest of your lives.
I did when I was little and unfortunately my sister still believes the lies my mother told her and she isn’t close with my Dad.
Telling them that mommy is lying sounds awful, but it was the one thing I wish my Dad had told me. It would have saved me a lot of time hating both my father and myself.
I don’t know about your wife, but my mother didn’t stop at lies about my father. She told me lies about myself and my siblings so that we truly only had her. And my Dad didn’t see most of it.
Edit: If you feel like contradicting your wife is not the right decision for your kids don’t do it. I know how I felt as a kid and what the result of my mothers lies were, but you know your kids, wife, and yourself best. Only you can know what’s best for your situation.
And now, OP's shocking update:
This current post is an update, btw the old post was removed because I tried to attach this post as a link in it so automatically it got removed, I don’t know if it can be reversed or how.
So yesterday I decided to go with your advice and confront my wife in a serious way, I sat her down after the girls went to bed and told her that we need to talk.
I started by explaining to her how I feel about my girls not loving me the way I do, and that it all has to do with what she is doing, and I gave examples of the things she say and do to them.
Then just when she was about to turn the whole thing to a joke I looked her straight in the eyes and tapped the coffee table really hard and said: YOU NEED TO FG STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR ELSE WE ARE DONE! I AM LOSING MY DAUGHTERS AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
Immediately her face gestures changed and later she started crying out loud like a baby, she kept saying that she never took these things seriously and it was all jokes and fin and never meant to harm my relationship with the daughters in any shape.
She swore on her life that never meant that, and that she regret that things went south, and she will stop and do whatever she can to repair the damages, I explained to her that we should act like a caring parents and that I never told the girls anything that would affect her relationship with them,
and she should be making them love me more instead of repelling them from me. I felt that she got the point and she promised to changed the attitude.
Today morning my daughters woke me up by saying that they miss me and that they made pancakes breakfast to eat together, tears were running down my cheeks to be honest I was truly moved. I am really happy that things are taking a good turn and hope it will keep on that track.
Thanks for all the support and advice I received from you guys, it was really helpful to see the reactions. And I will keep you posted in future.