Dad refuses to give 'spoiled brat' daughter the same $15,000 he gave his son; AITA?
Money can be a tough topic when it comes to family drama...
So, when a conflicted parent decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's "Am I the A$%hole" about family finances, people were ready to weigh in.
"AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?"
My 19-year old daughter Vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment.
Now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever SEE each other besides a few quick weekend visits. Moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year.
I told her I was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. But I maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision.
The problem lies when Vanessa asked me for money. You see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, I decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses).
That combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year.
Since I gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. I told Vanessa that I was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school.
She now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. Her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in IT).
She said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school.
I told her I cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. If/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, I’ll be happy to contribute the money. But it’s not just a free handout.
She got really mad that I rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. To her credit, her brother and I have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while Vanessa was more the troublemaker), but I do love my children equally.
I told her at the end of the day, that it was an educational stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money.
That if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, I will fully support it financially.
Well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. My wife thinks that we should give her something, but I told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and I rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and WHEN she has to move back home. I don’t want her to think I support this decision.
She told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my Vanessa, she’s staying out of it.
I, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled brat. AITA for sticking to my guns on this?
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say about this one:
shadomicron said:
NTA. You said you'd give it to her if she went to go study. She's not going to study. You have been consistent in your behavior (in regards to giving money to your kids).
[deleted] said:
NTA, that stipend was meant for an education for your son, and she isn't going to school. Why does she deserve and education stipend if she isn't working on an education? Moreover, you offered the stipend if she went back to school. So you are not being unfair.
deblas66 said:
NTA based on the info. It was an education based stipend. The real question for yourself is would you have given your son the money if he skipped college AND would you have offered him a lump sum (large sums of money for young inexperienced people are usually different from monthly help)?
Wednesday_Atoms said:
NTA for only wanting to give the money to help support her through college. YTA for the way you talk about her relationship. You keep saying when the relationship fails which is a pretty disrespectful way to phrase things. A year together before getting engaged is only slightly shorter than average.
More importantly, we get a lot of parents on this sub asking if how they're treating their kids is "fair." Frankly, it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you're wilfully damaging your relationship with your daughter, because you're just so sure you know more about her relationship than she does.
UberProle said:
NTA and your reasoning is sound. You are not "refusing" to give your daughter the same amount of money you are merely not giving it to her without enforcing the same stipulations that the same amount of money was given to your son under.
It's not like you just said "Here's $15k son" there was a parental reason for the charity and there was a distinct need that it was given to fulfill.
[deleted] said:
NTA for not giving your daughter the money. Your standards for that are completely reasonable, and it’s only fair that she gets the money if and only if she goes to school.
But, YTA for the way you treat your daughter overall in this situation. You aren’t ACTUALLY happy for her. You don’t actually support her. You’re lying to her face and you’re being a d$ck.
If she’s happy with her girlfriend, then be happy for her. Don’t have this preconceived notion that moving back home is a matter of when, not if. “I don’t want her to think I support her decision”?!?
What? Why wouldn’t you? Clearly she’s happy, she loves her girlfriend, and if she’s dating someone who can provide for her then I’d say she’s doing pretty damn well. Who cares if they only see each other on weekends? You should be proud of your daughter for making a relationship like that work.