"AITA for making my daughter pay back for a $1,000 dress she was supposed to wear in a wedding?"

I have a daughter, Emma (16F), who was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her older sister’s wedding. My oldest wasn’t planning to have Emma in the wedding party. It was Emma who really wanted to be a bridesmaid because she was excited and wanted to be involved. My oldest agreed to include her, even though it meant extra costs and adjustments.

The bridesmaid dresses, shoes and fitting were around $1000 each, which we agreed to pay for since Emma did not have that cash. The wedding is in a month Emma suddenly changed her mind.

She refusing to wear the dress since she thinks it is ugly, saying it is unflattering on her. It is but didn't speak up at any part She said she felt uncomfortable , wasn’t close to the other bridesmaids, and didn’t want to participate anymore. I reminded her that she had been the one pushing to be a part of the wedding, but she was firm and backed out.

Now, we’re stuck with a $1000 dress that can’t be returned. I told Emma that since she was the one who wanted to be in the wedding and then backed out, she would need to pay us back for the dress—either by working part-time or payment plan using her gift money.

Emma is upset and says it’s unfair, claiming we’re punishing her for not wanting to do something she wasn’t comfortable with anymore Multiple family members think I am too harsh.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Silaquix said:

Why does the older sister have to accommodate someone she didn't even want in the bridal party to begin with? Emma pushed her way into this and now she's throwing a tantrum over the dress not being ideal for her. But it's not about Emma, it's about the bride. Frankly Emma should either suck it up and wear the dress since she pushed for this or she needs to be held accountable and pay back the dress.

And OP responded:

She hasn’t met the other bridesmaid without me so that’s not it. It is the dress, it got back from being fitted and she hates it. We picked up two days ago. Also I find it weird that you ask an info and then make a judgement using an assumption.

celticmusebooks said:

OK, ignoring for a minute the ridiculousness of $1K bridesmaid's dresses-- I suspect that Emma's ambivalence at including her in the wedding party is at the heart of the issue here. Does Emma perhaps have some mental health/neurodivergence issues that make her so "flighty"?

WHY is her dress so different from the other bridesmaids-- was this perhaps the bride's attempt at "payback" for being forced to include Emma? Why was Emma singled out for the ugly unflattering dress? Mild YTA for not getting to the root of what is actually happening here and going directly to punishing a 16 year old girl. Can the dress be remade/restyled as a prom type dress Emma can wear later?

OP responded:

Her dress isn’t different form the bridesmaid and no she doesn’t have mental health issue. It is just not flattering for her body type. I am not paying more into that dress so no it not getting remodeled. She could try if she wants but she has never done that before and would probably make it worse

MoiraineSedai86 asked:

Did people make comments about the dress looking bad on her? Did you make that comment? Is her dress different than the other bridesmaids? Was it specifically chosen to make her uncomfortable? What is her relationship with her sister? Did you explain to her in advance what being in the wedding party means? The almost universal expectation that bridesmaid's dresses look a bit sh*t?

There's so much missing here about how she came to any of these decisions and what you as parents did to explain the choices to her, that we can't honestly say of it's fair or not to make her pay for it.

OP responded:

No one commented it on it, it is the same dress as the other bridesmaid it just doesn’t work for her body type Yes it was explained, her and her sister are not super close

Dora_Diver said:

Why not discuss a payment plan for alterations and help her organize it? If the dress isn't flattering on her I can see how that can crush her self esteem. She imagined herself being pretty and included in a beautiful event, and now she faces either feeling ugly in front of a lot of people which in itself is very isolating, or not participating and being financially punished for that.

It looks to me like she can't win, and it would be great if you could help finding a third option and a way out of this.

And OP responded:

There isn’t time to get more alterations not to mention I doubt my oldest would want on dress to be different. The wedding is the beginning of next month.

And 5115E said:

So you admit that the dress is unflattering on her. Did you make any attempt at all to talk to your older daughter (how much older is she?) to perhaps switch to a style that would work for her younger sister or did you just sit by and let your older daughter trample on her sister's feelings?

OP's response:

Everyone else was happy with the dress No I was not going to go up to my oldest and ask her to change the dress that everyone else was fine with because it wasn’t flattering on someone that wasn’t originally part of the bridal party. That would be so entitled and wrong. It’s a bridesmaid dress you wear it if you want to be in the wedding.

Edit from OP:

I didn't go to my oldest and pressure her to make Emma a bridesmaid. My oldest gave in after Emma pestered her about it. Emma has a phone. I don't even learn about the pestering until after she was added