'AITA for denying my ex his 'son' after he abandoned me?' UPDATED
"AITA for denying my ex his 'son' after he abandoned me?"
Throwaway so get your 'this is fake because new account' comments out early. I (32F) had a baby boy when I was 16. Yes, I know how that sounds like. No, we weren't careful. Judge me all you want on that front, I've dealt with that for years.
Mike (33M) was my boyfriend then and when I found out about my pregnancy, he did a disappearing act with help from his family. Something something 'future college star' something.
My parents were always blunt: What happened next was my choice. After a lot of thinking I chose to give up the baby for adoption. My parents knew a super sweet couple who were looking to adopt. We met and I just knew they were the right people. This turn from a teen mistake to an almost surrogacy.
I started homeschool to finish my education and to have rest. The adoptive parents were with me for everything and even paid for most of the medical cost. The adoptive mother was a teacher, so she help me with my schoolwork and to prepare for college.
They were present for the birth and I refused to hold the baby. Instead, his actual mother did. And it was just right. I've stayed in the baby's life in a distant position as a 'special aunt'. Well, he's no longer a baby and he knows who I am, but his mom is the same woman that raised him and I continue to be his special aunt.
The only change is now he knows who to call if he needs a kidney. His sense of humor is like mine, go figure. We talk maybe once in a blue moon, which in all honesty is the best. He's happy and I don't regret giving him up to have a happy life.
For my part, I married six years ago. My husband, Aaron, (44M) was divorced and on good terms with his ex, Bella (40F). They have two children together. A boy that is 16 and a girl that is 19. Aaron made it clear since we began dating that his kids' approval was important and that Bella was part of his life forever.
Not as a spouse but as a friend and mother to his children. I also told Bella and him about my teen pregnancy.
Well, to begin with the kids, my stepdaughter and I get along well. She's obviously closer to her mother, but she still does 'girls' days with me every so often. It's more like friends though. My stepson is incredibly close to me. He calls me his 'other mom' and always asks me to be present for important events. We bonded when his childhood dog passed away, as my cat died about the same time.
Bella and I? We're best friends. I know people have complicated relationships with their partner's exes, but we always show respect to each other. I never tried to take her place. I know Aaron and her shared something special long before I was in the picture. That's their history. And I am a stepmom, not a mom. Her place in the kids' life is not up for competition.
The reason for this background is that the whole mess with Mike started when I took my stepson to a medical appointment. It wasn't serious, though he did have to use anesthesia. Aaron and Bella both couldn't get the day off. They tried, but their jobs are on call and they cannot easily take time off. So I went on my own to be my stepson's support.
I didn't recognize Mike as one of the doctors. His real name, both first and last name, are incredibly common and it had been years. Not to mention my priority was being my step-son's support and everything else was secondary.
After my stepson was done, he was a bit out of it as expected. I was setting him up in the car and making sure he was comfortable when Mike came over. He told me he had been thinking about me and our 'son' for so long, and he was glad our boy was okay.
It really took me a few minutes for my brain to click on what was going on and he kept on rambling about apologies and how he wasn't ready to be a father. Blah blah blah. Eventually I just sigh and loudly said: "This is not the baby I was pregnant with. I gave him up for adoption after I gave birth. I am a step-mother." My loopy stepson chimed in with: "Other mom!". I had to hold back a smirk to be honest.
Mike was stunned by that and it gave me time to catch him up on the important details. I gave up the baby, he knows what happened and why I gave him up, I married a man with two children, I am happy and don't want him in my life. And no, I won't give him contact information for the adoptive family. He is sixteen years too late. That was the end of it and I got into my car to get my step-son home to rest.
Since then Mike found me in social media and has been painting this sob story about me denying him a chance to be a father. How I was a poor mother that threw away her child to raise someone else's children.
I'm basically the she-devil apparently. Most of our former classmates that saw the post reminded him that he LEFT me. Some of his HS friends even pointed out he laughed about leaving me pregnant. I didn't know that part.
A few of his relatives have reached out to bash me about taking Mike's chance to be a father. A few friends did tell me it was a b*^%h move to give the baby up without telling Mike. I don't personally think I was in the wrong, but in case I decided to leave the judgement to the internet masses. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
These people are psycho. Block block block. Your bio kid might decide for himself to try and find his bio Dad one day, but it’s your job to defend his privacy until then. And make sure his decision is informed (i.e. he knows that his bio dad is a complete a%$).
MuchComment1327 OP:
I told him everything when his parents decided it was time to tell him who I was really. I didn't make Mike into a villain, just said he left after I told him I was pregnant and never reached out. He's been clear that while I am his biological mother and Mike is his biological father, he doesn't see either of us as parents. I am his aunt and Mike is a stranger.
Report him to the hospital he works at for harassment.
I'm curious whether Mike has done anything to violate HIPPA rules when he thought that the step son might be his? At least as far as getting her current address, phone number, and such?
MuchComment1327 OP:
Oh he wasn't the attending doctor. I read the name in a plaque with all the hospital resident doctors, but in my stressed out brain fart moment didn't connect the dots.
How did you terminate his rights in time for the adoption at birth? And without him knowing? Or did you not do a legal adoption?
MuchComment1327 OP:
We didn't do the legal adoption at birth. I gave them the baby though. The legal part took almost a year. A court had to terminate rights and that's a whole process. I didn't want the adoptive parents to miss on bonding with the baby, so while they weren't the legal parents yet, they raised the baby. This influence a lot of court decisions btw.
You’re able to not put a father on the birth certificate
I was adopted at Birth. When I hit my twenties my bio mother reached out to me. It was not welcome but I tried to be nice, but bio mom wanted way more from me than I was prepared to give and could not respect my boundaries or get this notion out of her head that I was somehow pining for her when nothing could be further from the truth.
My suggestion is one adoptee to another given the option and be honest with him about what happened I expect that bio son will pass on the opportunity and you can tell all the crazy family members that the son wants nothing to do with his deadbeat abandoning biological s^%$m donor.
Mike’s relationship with your adopted-out son is not your business. It isn’t for you to play gatekeeper. His adopted parents can do that if he’s a minor, if not, he should be told that his father has reached out and he can respond or not as he sees fit. You shouldn’t have to play intermediary here. Put someone else in that role.
2 weeks later OP came back with this update:
This is probably the one and only update I'll be doing. Because to be honest, I got other things to do and I have my main reddit account for lurking.
I'm going to start with the important matter: A lot of people were worried about my biological kid and what he wished when it came to Mike. Well, I got his permission to post this. He spoke to Mike once a few days after I told him where he could find Mike. I won't share all the details, only the final decision. There won't be any more contact between them.
The kid doesn't want a second dad and Mike wasn't willing to be in his life unless he had the position of 'dad'. So he's going no contact with Mike. There was more to it, but its very personal and I feel it's not my place to share it. The kid and I will continue to have a relationship as Aunt and nephew. And he knows whatever he needs medically, I'll always be first in line to give blood, kidney, etc.
For those wondering why Mike is so big into contact with the kid I found out a few details via his friends. Mike can have more kids. He just hasn't had a stable relationship in years. Which I can believe since I finally had enough and decided to accept going to have coffee with him to get some things squared away. My husband came of course, but he sat in another table to let me deal with it. I asked him to.
The conversation was a shit show, to be honest. Mike brought me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries, my old favorites. He treated it all like some date. I nip that bud immediately. I introduced my husband and told him we were very much in love and happy, so I don't appreciate any atttempts at unwanted romance.
Once we sat down, he started by telling me what I knew about him having failed relationships. That he felt no woman could meet his standards for a wife and mother to his children since he already saw me as that. He claims he feels guilty for choosing college over me and our baby. He was well aware of the court dates regarding custody and that I was trying to put the baby up for adoption.
When he saw me taking care of my stepson, he thought I had chickened out of giving the baby away. Seeing me be all caring of 'our baby boy' made him think how great it would be if the three of us could be a family, and maybe have a bigger family down the road. He had the gall to ask me if I would consider divorcing my husband and try to fight for custody of 'our son'.
I have to admit, I laughed in his face. I probably was overly cruel, but I had years of stress, heartache, and judgemental encounters to drop on him. I told him all I saw in him was a coward. A coward that instead of staying to make adult decisions decided to run with help of mommy and daddy.
That any love I had for him died the day I had to push out a full human being and instead of knowing I had support from him, there was a big empty spot where the 'dad' was supposed to be. That I almost ruined my life and had to throw away prom, senior pictures, and even graduation, because I was far too pregnant to party, appear on the yearbook or walk into stage to get my diploma.
He got to party and enjoy life while I had to fight tooth and nail for an inch of respect, yet we both had unprotected sex. The only difference is his d*^% wasn't big enough to pop a baby out or satisfy a woman to begin with (That was a bit mean, but not sorry).
After I calmed down, I simply told him I had a happy life with a man that loves me. Great step-kids that are the greatest gift. A best friend who lets me be a stepmom to her children. A nephew who I adore and who despite our history as biological mother and child, he still loves me as his special aunt rather than hate me.
My family is perfect because he's not part of it and I have no intentions to live in his fantasy. And that I can't wait to get pregnant with my husband's child to add to that perfection.
I also told him to leave the our biological kid alone. He has made his choice and it is up to him if he ever reaches out for Mike. And also let him know I would be making a formal complaint to his hospital for his harrassment.
Good thing my husband took screenshots, because by the time we got home, Mike had deleted all the posts. A lot of his former friends did repost screenshots making fun of him. The silver line in all of this is that I have reconnected with my high school classmates and to be honest, they are great people. Seems Mike is in a handful that stayed in his 'school hype' mindset.
It's been about three days and no signs of Mike. My husband did get the biggest ego boost when he overheard me going off on Mike and has been insufferable, in a good way. So, there's mostly good news. Hopefully one of these days we'll get even more good news since we actually are excited at the idea of having a baby together.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Regarding him asking you to divorce your husband and fight together for “our son”, outside of getting physical, there’s practically no “overreaction” to that.
MuchComment1327 OP:
I almost got physical to be honest. But I had my nails just done. He wasn't worth breaking a nail.
Very few things are worth breaking a nail, but hon, breaking one to hurt that bastard would have been one of those things.
MuchComment1327 OP:
Yeah, but he's not worth the 150 bill. He wasn't even worth the 14 dollars bill at the cafe. Also, we left before and I paid my part and my husbands. Don't know if he paid his.
Google "[your state] medical license board" and file a report with them about his unprofessional behavior. It was absolutely a breach for him to operate on a child he reasonably thought was his own.
MuchComment1327 OP:
He wasn't an attending doctor, but still, he shouldn't have approached a patient and his parent in the parking lot with information he got from the charts without being the attending doctor. That's what we're planning to report as a complaint. Plus the harrassment online.
Nice to read about successful step-mother/child relationships.
MuchComment1327 OP:
I have to admit, I read a lot of online stories about nightmare stepmoms and just... it's not hard to be a good step-parent. It's literally just respecting boundaries and working with the parents.
Dude was never a "bio dad" but a "spermdonor" from the get go. The audacity of him to demand being called "dad" by the kid is mindblowing....
Look at your shiny backbone. Good for you. This Internet stranger here is proud of you 👏
I hope you will get what you wish for😉