'AITA for denying my pregnant wife a puppy?' 'She'd choose a dog over a BABY.'

"AITA for denying my wife a puppy?"

My wife (30 yo woman) and I (31 yo man) have been together for 11 years, and we got married almost 3 years ago. Last year, we decided that we wanted to try to have a child together.

So we were very happy when, a few months later, we found out we were expecting. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, which was very difficult for both of us, but we got through it together.

Shortly after, we put ourselves on a waiting list to adopt a dog. We both love animals and had always wanted to have a dog together. A few months went by, and we received the news that we were pregnant again. This pregnancy seems to be going better, and we are expecting the baby in October.

Around the same time, we also found out that a new litter of puppies would be born soon and that we had been selected to adopt one. The puppy is expected to be born in June, which means we could bring it home in August or September.

I told my wife that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of training a puppy at the same time we’re having a baby. We both have busy jobs and active social lives, and I just don’t see how we can manage raising a dog while also adjusting to parenthood.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to adopt a dog — but I’d prefer to wait a few months or even years until we’ve settled into life with our baby. My wife dismissed these concerns and said we’d be able to handle it. Shortly after, she even sent a message to the breeder saying that we were still very interested in adopting a puppy.

We’ve now reached the point where we’re starting to tell our friends and family that we’re expecting. We’ve received lots of excited congratulations, but also questions about how we’re going to juggle our busy lives with both a baby and a puppy. Whenever I’m asked this, I say that it’s also a concern of mine, but that my wife is determined to get a puppy now, while I’d prefer to wait.

Twice now, in response to this, my wife has said that she would choose a puppy over a baby. The first time, I laughed it off as a joke. But when she said it again in front of my family, I reacted angrily. I found it incredibly disrespectful to our unborn child.

On the way home, I told my wife that I thought she was being very selfish and that, at this point, I no longer want to adopt a dog — at least not until after the birth of our child. This has since led to quite a bit of arguing and tears. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

SIUButtercup said:

NTA. Puppy trainer here: I'd never recommend getting a puppy when a newborn baby is imminent. A puppy IS a newborn, and the fatigue and mental drain that comes with them is very real.

Yes, puppy cuddles and kisses are wonderful and something the baby won't give, but they are a HANDFUL for at least the first six months, and often at least a year. They require constant supervision and scheduling to make sure they aren't getting into things they shouldn't, as well as lots of time training them properly.

That's time and attention you'll be unable to give your baby, or you'll give it to your baby and neglect the puppy. Either way, someone is going to lose. It does sound though like there's some trauma carryover to a puppy from the loss of your baby.

It could be that she's looking for a way to fill a hole in her heart and a puppy seems a safe choice. Perhaps you could sign up to foster dogs for a few months and then reevaluate how both of you feel about the demands a dog brings in addition to a newborn.

Arorua_Mendes said:

NTA. Listen, your wife might be using this puppy situation as a way to process her previous loss and anxiety about the current pregnancy. Managing a newborn is already gonna be a wild ride with sleepless nights, constant feeding, and emotional rollercoaster.

I get the appeal of having both a puppy and baby grow up together, it sounds damn adorable in theory. But postponing the puppy isn't saying no forever, it's just good sense. Have you asked her what's really driving this urgent need for a puppy right now? Maybe it's time for a heart to heart about what's truly going on here.

shortstack-42 said:

YTA not because the puppy is a good idea, but because you’ve lost the plot with your wife. The dog is unlikely to die. She won’t be left grieving, told to get over it, feeling like it was somehow her fault even when it isn’t.

Adopting a puppy is certain joy, a forever family member who won’t disappear, leaving the future empty and friends and family weary of her emotions on a subject they’ve closed that is still a fresh wound for her. The breeder will only sell you a baby dog that will live, is healthy, and will stay with her for a lifetime.

Dude, pregnancies die. Babies leave you bereft and grieving. You plan a future with them and all you are left with is empty arms, blood, clots the size of baseballs, physical pain, and folks who diminish or dismiss the trauma of losing the life you could literally feel growing inside you and inside your dreams.

Of course she’d rather have a dog than a baby sometimes. I am a woman who has lost multiple pregnancies and raised multiple puppies and children. Your wife is terrified of another loss. She’s reaching out for certain joy in the face of what she is afraid is certain grief.

So far, she’s lost 100% of her babies and she’s not reassured that 50/50 is going to be possible or feel like happiness. Once that baby arrives? Her body or G-d, or nature already killed one…what’s to say she won’t break this one? You can go to classes, hire a trainer, have a do-over with a puppy. You don’t get the same support with a baby…just judgement and more dismissal of your feelings.

Sit down. Shut up. And listen to your best friend. You are so busy having a fight about a damn dog that you are leaving her alone in the scariest time of her life. She’s walking through the valley of the shadow of death without you right now. Because you’re fine, she’s not, and you can’t see it.

If you end up with a baby, a puppy, and a hella busy, chaotic life filled with love and a whole marriage that sustains all of you instead of a woman who has learned not to trust you with her whole heart because you won’t sit with her through the hard stuff because it’s not your hard stuff? Blessings will abound.

And she may not need the immediate joy of a puppy to plan for if she has a judgmental hand to hold and a heart to love her through that hard valley. Or just win the “Practical Man of the Year” rightness award and make it about the dog. Your choice.

HolyDarknes117 said:

NTA… has a father of TWO and the youngest is only 3 months old I can assure you that you WILL NOT have time for a dog. Especially since this is your first child. You wife is underestimating how much work a new born is.

You both work too and that means it will be a lot more stress. The first 6-8 weeks are going to be hell on your wife especially if she breastfeeds. Not to mention the lack of sleep both of you will get. I’m also concerned about her statement about rather having a dog. That NEEDS to be addressed before the baby comes and postpartum begins.

morgaine125 said:

YTA, not for wanting to put off getting a puppy, but for going off on your wife for her comment about wanting a puppy more than a baby. Your wife has been through a miscarriage, and now is pregnant again.

That is all a different experience for her than for you because she’s the one physically experiencing it. She is very likely feeling very anxious about losing another pregnancy, and her comment about wanting a puppy more than a baby may very well be a defensive/protective emotion.

GrapefruitNo9284 said:

NTA. Dude, I completely feel for you. What a strange position your wife has put you in. You both should be head over heels, getting ready for the new baby. Why the F is she saying multiple times that she'd prefer the dog over the baby?

There's something wrong here. And you need to speak to her quite frankly about it. As a new father myself, the last thing I want is a puppy crapping all over the floor and destroying the house when life is busy enough as it is.

Virtual_Ring_2077 said:

NTA. But you decide to get a puppy after losing a baby. Not that it makes anything less difficult, but you must have thought it would provide some type of healing having something to love & care for. It's wonderful her pregnancy is going well but she probably still has some unresolved feelings that she's projecting by insisting on adopting a puppy.

EffableFornent said:

Soft yta. You're being sensible, but you're also missing what seems pretty obvious to me... Getting the puppy looks to be part of her grieving your miscarried child. I don't have any advice other than be very, very gentle with her.