Destination wedding bride demotes Maid of Honor to bridesmaid, 'AITA if I don't attend?'
"AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s destination wedding after being demoted from maid of honor?"
So, my (28F) best friend “Jenny” (29F) is getting married in a beautiful, albeit very expensive, location overseas. We’ve been friends since high school, and when she got engaged last year, she immediately asked me to be her maid of honor. I was thrilled and started helping with the planning, from dress shopping to tasting cakes.
However, about two months ago, Jenny informed me that she had decided to make her sister the maid of honor instead but still wanted me to be a bridesmaid. She explained her family was putting pressure on her since it’s a family tradition. I was hurt but tried to be understanding.
Here’s where it gets complicated. Jenny’s wedding is incredibly expensive to attend. Between flights, accommodations, and other expenses, we’re talking about a significant amount of money. After being demoted, I started reevaluating whether I could justify the cost, especially since I’ve had some financial setbacks recently (unexpected car repairs, medical bills, etc.).
I decided that I couldn’t afford it and told Jenny. She was upset and accused me of backing out because I was no longer the maid of honor. She said I was letting my pride get in the way of our friendship and that if I really cared, I’d find a way to make it work financially.
I feel terrible. I want to be there for her, but the financial strain is too much for me, especially now that my role in the wedding—and my involvement in the planning—has changed. AITA for choosing not to go?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Battleaxe1959 said:
Brides should be well advised that destination weddings are not for everyone. Not sure where the idea came from that to “prove your friendship” a person has to go into debt. Buying a dress is one thing but flights, hotel, meals, rental car, gift…It’s ridiculous. You are NTA.
KnotYourFox said:
NTA. Never bankrupt yourself for a day, ESPECIALLY someone else's day. Life happens and your friend has lost the plot if she doesn't know that.
bookworm-1960 said
NTA. Jenny is letting her mythical family tradition get in the way of your friendship. I say mythical because if it was a real fanily tradition, she would have demoted you much sooner. I expect most if not all of the moh duties were completed about two months ago, and all the costs of the moh have been paid by you as well.
I don't know how much out of pocket you are, but you could say you might be able to swing it if her sister reimbursed you all the money you paid out in the role. Even if she does pay, and I doubt she will, I still wouldn't go. She clearly used you, which shows you how little she values your friendship.
Look back over your years of friendship and see if this behavior was there before. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
mak_zaddy said:
NTA - you can’t afford to go. Any friend that wants you to go into debt for their wedding isn’t a friend.
hauntedyew said:
NTA. Everyone else is acting like the demotion doesn’t change the whole dynamic. This is just a consequence for that.
Tricky_Personality54 said:
NTA two things can be true. Yes youre backing out because you're not the MOH. But also it doesnt make sense to break your bank when you dont have a role any more. If she was truly your friend and youre telling her you cant afford it, then she should understand that. You need to tell her you were stretching yourself thin as the MOH because she asked you and you took it seriously.
You arent anymore, so therefore you no longer need to be spread thin. Yes the title matters. As a MOH im gonna do whatever I can do be there and do my part. As a demoted person in the wedding? nah ill see you when you get back. The fact is you probably couldnt spend all that money from the jump, but were willing to break your finances because you were the MOH.
She didnt want you to be, so she has to except what comes with that. It's a sh%tty thing to do to demote someone after they've done work and prepped, just so her family can swoop in. Do not listen to anyone saying otherwise.