'AITA for going out to dinner with a male coworker?' UPDATED

"AITA for going out to dinner with a coworker?"

I (F26) have been with my boyfriend (M28) for two years. Our relationship was great until a few days ago when I think I might have unintentionally caused a crack in it. To make a long story short, I have a couple of coworkers with whom I go for coffee after work, sometimes all together and sometimes with one or two, depending on their availability.

The last few times, I ended up going for coffee with a male coworker, and a few days ago, we went to dinner together. He also asked me to go out to dinner later this week, but I'm unsure if I'll go. EDIT: I'm not going.

After informing my boyfriend about where I was, he noticeably withdrew and adopted a distant, chilly attitude. Despite my efforts to offer reassurance, his response was silence, which deeply unsettles me.

Over the past few days, our conversations, although ongoing, have felt devoid of warmth and genuine connection. I'm increasingly concerned that his lack of trust in me has cast doubt on the strength of our relationship, leading me to fear the possibility of a breakup.

Until now, he has always respected my independence without imposing any restrictions, indicating a strong level of trust. However, recent changes in his behavior suggest a shift in this trust. I'm uncertain about the best course of action moving forward, as I don't want to inadvertently intensify the tension by pressuring him.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

eatsh!take said:

Why are you having dinner with this guy at work? Alone? And considering yet another date with him? Does he know you have a boyfriend? Although if he does, it doesn't sound like he cares. You've crossed a line with your boyfriend. You need to talk to him to re-establish boundaries. And lay off the après-work dates.

[deleted] said:

It’s my understanding that if you are in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t be going out on dates with other people. It’s one thing to grab drinks with a bunch of people, but to go out on a dinner date at night, alone is not okay.

Edit: oh Jesus, you just called your boyfriend boring. I see what you’re doing.

Break up with the dude, he doesn’t deserve to put up with your lies. Hopefully he sees your actions for what they are.

clearheaded01 said:

Look.. You went on a date with a male coworker after meeting him for coffee several times.. And now youre considering going on another date with him... and youre wondering why your BF seems distant?? Are you really this dense??

Only thing that will save this is if you throw yourself at his mercy, admit you messed up and ask how you can make it up to him. And dont be surprised if quitting the job and going NC with the coworker is the sacrifice you have to make. YTA.

Agile-Wait-7571 said:

Why is my boyfriend upset that I’m dating someone else?

manchvegasnomore said:

I mean, you went on a dinner date with another dude. You thought your BF was going to be excited about that, especially when you have another date set up?

Edit from OP:

I spoke to him and explained that I had no bad intentions. I apologized, and he asked if I didn't see the problem in what I did. I acknowledged the issue and reiterated my apology, promising to make it up to him.

He then mentioned he would be visiting his parents for two days and wouldn't be home. I informed him I had been invited to another dinner but decided not to attend. He didn't respond verbally, but his facial expression indicated he didn't care.

EDIT 2:

I will update the post in a few days after he comes back, I would like to talk to him again. I was invited by his sister to their parents house. I will go tomorrow and I will talk to him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS from OP:

On her talk with her BF

I yelled at him because he was ignoring me. I then explained everything and he asked me if I saw the problem in my actions. I said yes. He then asked if I would be okay if he went out with other girl and I said no. To which he then replied by asking why did I do it? I didn't have the answer because I was expecting a normal dinner, casual hang out but it turned out that wasnt it.

He kept staring at me without saying anything. I asked him what can I do to make this right. He told me to ask a guy I went out to a dinner for advice. I was crying during all this and begged him to think things through and he said that he already made up his mind. I asked him to tell me but he didn't. He only said that he might talk to me again after he comes back, if he deems it necessary.

Describing her BF

He doesn't forgive those who hurt him or those closest to him. He will turn a blind eye in certain situations and when people were unintentionally hurt. The thing about him is that most people I know (certain people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc.) highly respect him and see him as somewhat distant and cold person but fair and brutally honest.

He is a boring in a way that he is not really the most easy going person around, he is always dead serious and rarely laughs. It takes a lot of time for him to get comfortable around people and after he does he is a little bit more relaxed but still on guard. He is always relaxed around his parents or sister and she always makes him laugh which I never noticed till now.

He always encouraged me to meet new people and to be around people, I guess he wanted me not be like him but I went to far and now he is gone. It's not that he doesn't like people or hates being around them, it is more like he is not available to everyone and he has a group of people he hangs around with and that is it.

&

He isn't that type of person, though. He doesn't wander around other women, and if they talk to him, he says that he is in a relationship. He respects everyone and gives everyone a chance.

He also trusts everyone because he finds it easier than wondering if someone will backstab or betray him. Once they do, he removes them permanently from his life, and he doesn't care about reasons. I think he might remove me as well. I messed up so bad.

On if the coworker knew she had a boyfriend and if the boyfriend meet OOP's coworkers

He knew I had a BF, but he didn't care. I wanted to introduce him to my colleagues but I never got the chance.

A day after her original post, she shared this UPDATE:

Following some advice from some of you, I wasted no time and did everything I could to speak with him as soon as possible. When he didn't respond, I reached out to his sister, asking if she could ask him to speak to me. She agreed.

With his sister's approval, I went to their parents' house hoping to fix the mess I had created. I spoke to him in front of his sister and mom as his father was not home. I apologized for everything, went into detail, and handed him my phone to see the messages for himself. He took my phone, read the messages, but all he did was laugh.

He laughed in my face and said, "This is the guy? Really? You could've at least gone out with someone better." I continued to apologize, asking what I could do to make things right, to make him believe me. He said he heard my words, but my actions spoke otherwise.

He questioned what my apology changed, pointing out that I hadn't been honest until now. I insisted on my honesty, but he refused to change his mind. He asked me if Im going to second dinner, I said no. He asked why not? You were perfectly fine going on the first, why not go to the second. He knew you had a boyfried so did you, but you didnt care.

He told me that Im a free woman and that I can do whatever I want. I was crying but he didn't care. He thanked me for good memories and wished me all the best. I told him that I didnt come to his parents house for nothing. He told me that he spent two years with me for nothing.

He then asked me to leave which I did. As I was leaving he told me that after he (coworker) has had his fun, he will discard me, and I will be left with a broken heart, weeping and ashamed. No man wants a woman who gives up her boyfriend or husband so easily.

I also received another message from a coworker. He asked if we are going to another dinner. As some of you guys said, he is indeed there and offering a shoulder to cry on. I didn't respond. I'm devastated, but I deserved it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO:

OP on her intent going to dinner with her coworker and her ex bf's feelings

Nothing. I just went out like you usually would, without thinking about it.

&

I'm not really into him but he is handsome if I can say so. His issue wasn't dinner it was me not telling him about it until later. He doesn't know the guy, I didn't tell him about the dinner and my emotions got the better of me and I said a lot of stuff I shouldnt have said. My ex takes these things super seriously, to him loyalty and duty are their own rewards.

He isnt immautre like some of the people here think, he is hardened person and like I said he removes people from his life without second thought. I dont know why is he like this but its who he is. He probably went through a lot in the past but he never talked about it with me. I never pushed the issue. If he has a problem he will close himself off. He never speaks about it, he sorts it out himself.

He isnt a loner, he just doesnt talk much and sticks to himself most of the time. That is why he comes as cold and distant person. He is really difficult to read. We never had any problems before this and even those we had we easily solved by a talking about it. To clarify, any problems regarding relationship we solved as a team, anything else I wouldnt even know about it, he would rarely if ever mention it.

OP on hopefully seeing her ex again

It does indeed look bad, and even if he believed me, a seed of doubt would be planted in his head. Maybe after things cool off a bit, I could invite him to talk. If anything, I would like to smooth things out as much as I can because I do not want it to end this way. I would like a proper closure without any resentments or hatred towards the other person, I think he at least deserves that much.

On way her Ex spoke to her & the coworker

I'm disappointed in myself. I think he only talked to me because his sister persuaded him to do so. I didn't respond to a coworker's messages. I don't want to. One female coworker reached out to me because she is aware of the situation. She told me that she never liked the guy I went out to dinner with. She thinks he is a creep.