Piercing debate turns personal as woman excludes SIL from Christmas celebrations. AITA?
"AITA for disinviting my SIL to Xmas and refusing to invite her back and ‘causing unnecessary drama?’"
I am 26F. My SIL Sally (also 26) is my boyfriend of 3 years, Alex (28) sister. Alex and I recently moved in together so we thought it would be good to host Christmas there as a housewarming.
All those invited were Alex’s parents, Sally, my parents, my brother, my brothers wife and my two nieces. Sally’s best friend, Mary was also going to come by for a while as her family lives quite far away and I’ve met and hung out with Mary a few times.
Anyway Sally and I had a stupid argument. We both have tattoos and piercings. I also have stretched ears and no longer wear them. I like a lot of metal and rock music, but no longer dress as gothic or dark as I used to.
Sally is quite gothic and has numerous facial and ear piercings. I used to have the same but took them all out a couple of years ago but recently put my nose ring back in. I have a single piercing but put a ring in that is a double ring but on one piercing if that makes sense. I just really liked the look of it and thought it suited me.
Sally on the other hand has two proper nose piercings, both rings in one nostril. When I met up with her, she noticed my piercing and asked if I got a new one in and I said no.
She then got really weird and quite mean by stating and I quote ‘why the eff are you wearing a fake double nose ring being a effing poser. I ACTUALLY (she emphasised the word) went and got it done properly.’ She said some other comments saying it really didn’t suit me and I’d be better going back to being a ‘pretend happy person.’
It actually really hurt my feelings and I don’t know where it came from. It was like she was gate keeping a certain way of looking. She has made some jokes before about me dressing in colour etc. rather than all black and still liking metal and said before that I ‘don’t fit into the metal group’.
The last comment also felt like a dig at my mental health. Putting my nose piercing back in actually boosted by self esteem as I’ve struggled to accept how I look due to severe depression.
When I went back home, I told Alex what happened and he called Sally and she tried to play the whole thing of as a joke and said it’s not her fault I’m too weak to handle sarcasm. She then kept laughing about it and didn’t even attempt to apologise.
I’ve decided I no longer want Sally over for Christmas if all she wants to do is humiliate me and Alex agrees. He texted saying she is no longer welcome if she is just going to be like that and the drama went through the roof.
She has thrown a colossal temper tantrum saying we are targeting and excluding her yet she hasn’t once offered an apology. I told my in laws about it and they seem to think I should be the bigger person and say I probably took the comments the wrong way (I didn’t.)
They say I’m causing unnecessary drama and that Christmas is for family. My family are in my side saying what’s the point in inviting someone over who can cruelly mock my appearance and try to pass it off as a joke.
My family also mentioned a good point that my ILs didn’t, Sally made a cruel comment about my mental health. I’ve only really been better with my depression these past few months but I am quite sensitive sometimes so maybe I am overreacting, I don't know.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. If Sally wants to be mean, she can do it elsewhere. Your home should be a safe place. And if anyone's the poser here, it's her for acting like there's only one way to be goth or alternative.
Wait til she discovers that as we get older, our bands have earlier shows! and some of us show up right after work wearing all kinds of not-metal things! Band T's under cardigans and dress shirts - oh no! Sacre bleu, we're all poseurs now!
Sally. SALLY. No. This is 8th grade fashion policing. I believe it was Latrice Royale of Drag Race fame who said it first, but: "The five G's: Good God, girl, get a grip!" NTA, I hope you have a wonderful drama-free Christmas, listen to whatever all music you love, and rock whatever all piercings and tattoos YOU want.
NTA. "The bigger person" is code for "doormat." Give in and she has permission to say whatever she wants without any consequences.
NTA. But this would been a better situation if you asked for an apology centering how she made you feel instead of centering around the fact that you can control who is invited to this event.
Whats curious to me though is her gatekeeping is probably cause she feels bad that she lost a dark/goth/metal/rock ally/sister. Instead of her being honest about that, she lashed out. But this is what happens you when lash out instead of open up.
NTA Your feelings are completely valid. Sally's comments were hurtful and unnecessary, especially considering the context of your struggle with mental health and self-esteem. She made a personal and cruel attack, and her attempt to justify it as "sarcasm" or a joke is dismissive and disrespectful.
You're not creating unnecessary drama—you're setting boundaries with someone who repeatedly disrespects you. Your in-laws suggesting you should brush it off doesn’t account for the impact her behavior has had on you emotionally.
Your family understands that there's no place for someone who mocks you in such a hurtful way, especially during a family gathering like Christmas. Ultimately, your home is a space where you deserve to feel safe and comfortable, and inviting someone who consistently belittles you isn’t healthy for you. NTA.
So this person is 26? And she does not have more important things to focus on? Who gives a fuck? Wear whatever you want, however you want. This kind of gatekeeping may be cool when you're 15, at her age it's just pathetic.
She's got some issues and none of them are related to you just being you. Christmas is indeed about family. You know what else though? It's not about catering to AHs. NTA.
I'm sorry, I think you mistyped her age. She's 16, right? Not 26?? Cause this would make a WHOLE lot more sense if she was 16 and still trying to understand/ figure out her emotions and identity.
Goth, contrary to popular belief, isn't just all black, extreme hair, tattoos and piercings. There are goth people who dress in freaking neon colors, or like.... "normal" people.... why??? Because as people get older their tastes change, their careers change and hopefully grow etc.
Most companies wouldn't appreciate someone walking into a multimillion dollar deal with a client with 7" spikes sticking out all over their heads, all black clothes and makeup and chains hanging everywhere.
You're NTA, she is, and she's behaving like an angsty teenager. If she wants to continue to do so you'll continue to treat her as such, which includes not allowing her into your home. Your home is your sanctuary, you don't have to allow anyone into your space that you don't want to/ don't feel comfortable with..... including family members.