'AITA for ditching a vacation I planned for my GF when she brought her friends?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA For Leaving a Vacation I Planned for my GF After Her Friends Came Along?"

My GF (Sarah, 29) and I (M, 28) have been dating for 5 years, and I wanted to go on a vacation with her to celebrate. I planned the trip for several months (of course I shared my plans with her), and decided on skiing/snowboarding/other winter activities in CO. The activities seemed perfect, and I was looking forward to this for months because I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip.

5 days before the trip, Sarah dropped the ball on me that she invited 2 of her friends to meet her there. I was upset because I wanted to spend 1:1 time with Sarah for our anniversary. I feel like it was plain and clear that this was a trip for just us. Even though I expressed my concerns, Sarah insisted that her friends already made plans to come and won't back out.

I decided to accept this because there was no way for me to force her friends to not come (I wish I fought more on this). I figured we could make some changes to our plans, and I would still be able to propose to her privately. Sarah essentially blew me off for her friends and we didn't get any private time.

After 3 days of being in second place, I decided to leave the trip and head home. I told Sarah why I was leaving, and she was upset. She told her friends about my decision, and I was ganged up on.

They said we were all having a great time. She thinks I'm being a jerk for making her pick between her friends and me (even though her friends weren't invited in the first place). I never had personal issues with her friends prior to this trip. I never made Sarah pick between me or her friends because everyone needs friends outside of a relationship.

I'm at home now and thinking about everything. I have a day to myself before Sarah comes home, so at least I get to relax a bit. Sarah and her friends think I'm overreacting and think I ruined the trip. I think Sarah was disrespectful and rude to me by ruining the purpose of this trip and having her friends gang up on me.

EDIT: This was a planned *anniversary/romantic* trip. I was clear that we have plans for just us two. We've been on other anniversary trips together without her friends there. We did discuss marriage beforehand, so it's not like a proposal wouldn't been out of the blue.

Relevant Comments:

pixp85 wrote:

Info: Is it possible she knew you were going to propose and did this intentionally to avoid it?

OP replied:

That is what worries me. We discussed marriage beforehand and everything seemed great. This was a planned anniversary/romantic trip, so the nature of it was plain and clear.

DubiousPeoplePleaser wrote:

NTA does she do this often? Does she pick time with her friends over time with you? Balance is fine, but she needs to pick you for more than things like your birthday. Does she often make you feel like the odd one out when hanging with her friends? A good partner tries to include you. Does she often railroad your like this?

She was soooo wrong in all the things she did, but that’s not the big red flag. People make mistakes and learn from them. Her denying that she did anything wrong is the “return the ring”-behavior. She will never change her ways so long as she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing.

If you do dump her then she will start crying and claim she will change. She will change for a month and snap right back.

OP replied:

You're unfortunately right.

I never had personal beef against her friends or family. But I was lying to myself for years. She has picked her friends over me, when I wish there was more balance between us. I never cancelled plans with her just to hang out with my friends, but she has done that to me more than once. This trip was just the biggest stunt she pulled with her friends.

Commenters agreed: NTA.

OP later shared these two minor updates:

MINOR UPDATE: My friends are here at the house and they have been running potential interference, just in case her friends try to bombard and harass me. They've been great and I'm so glad to have them!

MINOR UPDATE #2: None of Sarah's friends came by the house or harassed me yesterday/last night, which is good! Sarah hasn't come home yet. I figured out what I want to say and have it written out.

And then, two days later, OP shared this third and major update:

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words and encouraging private messages. I decided that I wanted to end this entire relationship. I packed my important belongings (Ex. Passport, clothes) and arranged with my best friend to crash at his apartment until I can find my own. Usually when small issues happen in a relationship, it ties into a bigger issue of that relationship.

The main reason why I decided to break up is because I realized that her friends will always be closer to her than me. Sarah has favored her friends over me and blown off some of our plans for her friends more than once. I was lying to myself for years because I didn’t want to face reality yet.

I had hoped she would change, but this trip really opened my eyes that I will always be in 3rd place to her.I expressed my feelings multiple times, and Sarah promised she would change, and she didn’t.

Sarah came home late yesterday. I said I have a lot to get off my chest and I want to get through my notes before she talks or tries to interrupt me. The first question I asked Sarah was “How she thought the trip went”. She said we all had fun and it was memorable. I shouldn’t have to feel like the 3rd wheel in my own relationship, especially on a trip that I planned.

My next question was “Why did you invite your friends in the first place? You knew this was an anniversary trip for US”. She talked about the trip with her friends since the beginning, and they never been to CO. She thought it would be a good idea to allow them to come just so they can have fun in CO with us.

I followed up with my lack of knowledge of her friends coming along until days before. It’s one thing if they came and did their OWN activities. But it’s another thing that every activity became a group activity. I signed up for a monogamous, not poly relationship.

My last question was “Did you know that I was going to propose to you?”. Sarah said she didn’t know at all. The thought never occurred to Sarah that I was going to ask. She claimed that she wouldn’t have invited her friends to come along if she knew, but I responded that “it would ruin the surprise if I told you”.

Sarah begged me to stay with her and believes we can work everything out. She didn’t want me to throw 5 years away after this one bad trip. I listened to her promises to change for years regarding her friends, but nothing happened.

I ultimately left Sarah with this: it’s clear that there isn’t enough room in your heart for your BF and your friends. As much as I love Sarah, I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m not respected enough. I left Sarah in the house by herself and I drove off to my friend’s place. I’ll figure out how to get my name off the lease and I’ll plan to get the rest of my belongings. As for the ring, I will return it this weekend.

OP replied in a comment:

I had much more information in my post, but the character limit was too high. Part of the reason why she stayed back was because I said I wanted to go home alone and think. I know that couples shouldn't storm off after a fight, but it was kinda important to separate for a bit to gather my thoughts. Maybe things would've turned out differently if we left together?

Then, OP shared this fourth update:

Hello Everyone! I got my stuff this past weekend from my house. I'm glad I didn't have much stuff or more heavy items. Sarah and I talked a lot about our relationship and what happened during the trip. Sarah said she is going to see a therapist and wanted to become a better GF in the future.

I'm not opposed to getting back together years down the road. But I have zero intentions of being *those* people that are constantly on-and-off. If life does bring us back together, then so be it. I didn't make any promises to Sarah about a possibility of getting back together because Sarah should change for herself, and not me.