'AITA for dividing money meant for just my son between all 3 of my adopted/step-kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for dividing money meant for just my son between all 3 of my (adopted/step) kids?"

A few years ago I got pregnant and married the father, who was such an awful husband/father that when we split up I not only got custody of our shared biological child, but I also got custody of his 2 biological kids, who have no relation to me. They have different birth mothers, who were never involved with the kids and have allowed me to take sole guardianship.

Guardianship of the kids was first offered to the biomother and father's extended families, and everyone refused. I'm saying all of this to establish that I am the only family these kids have, and their bio families will never be involved.

I love all 3 of my kids, and they see themselves as regular siblings and see me as their mother (despite knowing the truth). I've known the older kids since they were 6 and 18 months old, and my kids are now 4, 6, and 7.

My grandparents (the kids' great-grandparents) are aware of all of this and always seemed to love all 3 of my kids and treated them equally. However, I went to see them recently and they gave me a cheque for 40 grand.

They explained that they've sold their house, downsized, and made a massive profit, and my dad recently came to them asking for some money, while my brother is getting married next year, and they know that with the current situation I've been having some money problems, so they're essentially giving out inheritance early.

They said my brother got 20 grand, so 20 grand of it is for me, and the other 20 grand is for my 4 year old. They want me to put it in an account with interest and let it sit until he's old enough (they left the details to me).

I asked about the other kids and they responded that all 3 kids would get the same amount in the will when my grandparents actually pass away, but this was a "bonus" for my 4 year old because my older 2 "have their real families to help them out."

I reminded them that the older 2 don't have any other family, and they said they weren't going to justify themselves so either take the cheque or don't, but don't argue. I took the cheque and left.

This feels incredibly unfair to the older kids, and I can only see it causing issues as they get older. I can't give them 20 grand each to make up the difference, as I just don't have that in savings (even when taking into account the money my grandparents gave me).

I feel that the fairest thing to do would be to split the money between all 3 kids, and give them an account/fund each and just not tell my grandparents about it.

However, my brother called me to ask what I'm going to do and when I told him what I was thinking he said that would go directly against our grandparent's wishes and be incredibly unfair to my youngest, and that not telling them would make it look worse when the truth inevitably comes out. WIBTA?

Info: forgot to mention we're in England, so medical bills and college funds aren't such a huge concern.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

WebbieVanderquack said:

YTA. This gift is conditional, and it would be dishonest to take it and spend it the way you choose without telling them. What you can do if you're uncomfortable is refuse to accept it altogether.

RedditDK2 said:

YWBTA - I don't blame you for being upset that your parents are treating your bio kid differently from the 2 you adopted - that is wrong. However you were given 2 choices - take the check and give 20k to your bio kid only or give back the check. You don't have the option of deciding you will split up the money they way you would prefer it be split.

GrannySmithereens said:

NTA. Invest the money into a whole-market fund and once the kids are old enough to be given any of it, there likely will even be enough to go around for all. Not to be morbid, but your grandparents perhaps will not even be around to complain anymore by then.

ollyator said:

Yeah, that’s a tough one. I’m going to have to say a gentle ESH. Your grandparents shouldn’t be playing favorites with your kids, that’s just cruel and setting them up for sibling rivalries.

That said, the $20K was gifted specifically to your youngest, for all intents and purposes it’s his money, and to split amongst his siblings is tantamount to theft, despite you having the best intentions.

Perhaps if you can afford to put your $20K into an investment account too, you can grow it enough in the time before your 7-year-old goes to college that it’ll be enough to give all 3 kids the same amount?

crotchgremlin said:

YTA if you go against their wishes, if you don´t want to follow their instructions just return the money.

And MamaFen said:

Your kids are your kids. You were given a gift, it is yours to do with as you wish no matter what the giver said (if they were determined that it only go to the one son, they could have set the fund up themselves).

It's obvious you love all of your children, so take care of all of them in the way YOUR heart tells you is right and fair. Let the rest go. NTA. You are a sterling example of what motherly love really encompasses.

She later shared this brief update:

I'm giving the money back. I can't win here. If I split the money, that's unfair to the 4 year old, if I don't split it, it's unfair to the other 2. Best way to avoid later issues is just remove the money from the equation.