'AITA for divorcing my husband after finding out I'm not biologically our child's mom?'
"AITA for divorcing my husband after finding out I'm not biologically our child's mom?"
I can't believe my life has come to this. All I ever do is go out of my way to help others but on the few occasions I need help, nobody ever comes through for me. I (36F) have been with my husband (35M) for a total of almost 10 years, married for 7.
We had what I thought was my child by surrogate over 2 years ago because after 4 years of trying to conceive with no success despite medical interventions, it turns out I am unable to carry a child to term.
I had always wanted to be a mom. Devastated is an understatement regarding how I felt when I found out i have a medical condition that would make it nearly impossible to carry a baby to term.
It was even more upsetting when I had to get a major surgery to remove uterine growths with the hope to increase fertility and complications during surgery warranted a partial hysterectomy involving removal of my uterus only.
I still had my ovaries so we started looking into cost of a surrogate. It is really expensive! My close friend since college who'd already had 2 kids of her own offered to serve as the surrogate for us to cut down on costs.
After two disappointing IVF sessions that did not result in pregnancy, she became pregnant on the 3rd try and carried a boy to term for us. I was so happy and busy after the birth, between being a mom and returning to work after a 4 week parental leave, so I didn't notice any warning signs.
I should have noticed the red flags and warning signs early on but did not because I was so exhausted from working so much at my stressful job and two part-time jobs to cover most of the bills and anticipated medical and legal costs associated with this friend becoming our surrogate. (I was the primary breadwinner.)
My friend and my husband started talking more and I would sometimes come home from my weekend job to find her already hanging out at our house when my husband was there.
I chalked it up as innocuous and it's good for her to know my husband better since she was in the process of hopefully carrying our child for us. I was grateful to have someone helping us have a child.
I also thought it weird that our son has brown eyes when both of us have blue. Then I found out that while this is uncommon, it's possible sometimes due to many genes controlling eye color.
Recently it all came to a head when I took our son to a doctor's appointment and they did metabolic panel and blood tests which showed that he had a blood type that is not biologically possible to have with me as his mother. (He's B+, I'm A+, husband is O+).
Immediately I started worrying it was the fertility clinic's fault and that they'd messed up and implanted a wrong embryo. I started lining up lawyer consultations to possibly sue the clinic and looked into having a DNA parentage test done.
The test results showed that I'm not the mother but my husband still is the father. I was heartbroken and angrier than ever, talked to lawyers about medical malpractice in the fertility clinic we'd used.
Then my husband confessed that he'd slept with my friend (our surrogate) on a few different occasions during our struggle to have her get pregnant with our embryos.
This means what I thought was our son conceived by IVF and carried with a surrogate, isn't my son at all and was in fact conceived the old fashioned way, which I can't ever do. Livid and absolutely broken at the same time doesn't even begin to describe how I feel!!!! I have been breaking down into crying spells over and over again about this.
He claims he didn't ever think pregnancy could result because he pulled out and he had always assumed that he was the reason for our earlier struggles to conceive, both before my hysterectomy and during the IVF insemination process with this friend.
I felt an immediate triple betrayal: from what was supposed to be my husband, my friend, and now knowing my child isn't even really mine. I had such white hot rage and delirium, I immediately left home and stayed at a hotel for almost a week before asking my parents to let me stay at home for a while.
I admit I left our son with him. I am now filing divorce because he cheated and betrayed me in the worst possible way. I have also cut off my friendship with my "friend" the "surrogate" and feel afraid to trust anyone else now. I have seen a divorce lawyer to see about giving up my legal rights to this kid so I don't have to face such betrayal or owe child support.
My husband and "friend/surrogate" admit they were wrong and keep apologizing but also called me immature and heartless to just give up on my son like that. My parents also say I can't just give up on a kid that I went through so many legal and medical hoops to have.
When I told them I refuse to stay in a cheater marriage and I'd rather adopt someday with a better more trustworthy partner, they also told me I was wrong and that maintaining my parental rights isn't much different than if I adopted outright.
They said it isn't blood that makes a family. They are all about me divorcing my cheater husband but keep telling me I'm making a mistake giving up my parental rights.
Some of my other friends agree with what I'm doing, a few admitted they weren't big enough to swallow pride and care for an "affair baby" or to see daily reminders of my "friend/surrogate"'s betrayal every time Iook at "her" son.
I just want a clean break and a fresh start. I'm also looking at relocating several states away. AITA to give up my parental rights in the divorce because a kid I paid a lot of money to have born by surrogacy isn't biologically mine at all, but the surrogate's?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Turbulent_Ebb5669
Yeah, you gotta do what's right for you here.
ThrowRA-3xbetrayal OP responded:
So I'm NTA?
fe3o2y
No, you're NTA! You've suffered a terrible betrayal. Only you can say what's best for you! Personally, I wouldn't be able to look at the child without being hit with the betrayal again and again. Your parents and friends don't have to actually deal with the situation. They don't get a vote.
Your soon-to-be-ex is a real piece of work. You're immature? I would want to throw up if I was in the same room with him. Please get some therapy to work through this. Don't let these two a$$holes hold you back from living your best life.
ThrowRA-3xbetrayal OP responded:
He feels like biological maternity shouldn't matter that much when it means I am finally fulfilling my dream of becoming a mother. He says that if I adopt someday, I am still going to have to raise a child that is not biologically mine.
He has reminded me about what a depressive wreck I was during the infertility, the aftermath of my partial hysterectomy, and how I put him through the ringer because I was obsessed with wanting to have a child.
He claims that I pushed him away with my baby obsession and he couldn't deal with me anymore and that's why he started spraying the way he did. He also says that I can't just turn my back on a child when I legally signed all the paperwork, which is similar to adoption paperwork since the state doesn't readily recognize a child born to a surrogate to be the couples child.
They base it on the person who gave birth to the child as being the legal mother until paperwork is signed that transfers the rights over. He also claimed that I am going to have a difficult battle ahead of me trying to reverse that.
Did the “surrogate” sign papers? Legally you can sue her a%$ for everything you spent.
The only paperwork that was legally drafted was for her transferring over the parental rights to us, much like an adoption in the event that there is already a mutual off-the-books agreement to adopt from someone already personally known.
We were trying to do it as cheap as possible because we don't make much money and the costs that couldn't be avoided were sky high enough to the point I took out loans from the bank and then picked up two part-time jobs on the side to pay toward these loans.
NTA, your husband and ex friend are f^%$#@ a%$#oles of note. When did his cheating stop, or has it continued all this time. As for the kid... you're the only mom he knows Why did he cheat in the first place? Everyone knows that when IVF, etc, are being done, you don't have unprotected s%$. This is a huge betrayal. Is your friend married?
No she's not married. He actually had the audacity to claim that my depression and obsession with pregnancy and having a kid pushed him away. He also said he felt deprived of affection because I was working so much. (Even though I was the primary breadwinner and the only responsible spouse keeping up with the bills.
If I hadn't taken on extra work, he would not have stepped up, and the loan I took out to pay for uncovered medical expenses esp IVF would have gone unpaid.) I don't know for sure if it was unprotected or not, I'm assuming it was, but he did make a ridiculous statement that he didn't think anything like this would happen because he thought maybe he was part of the problem with our lack of conception.
It is absolutely ridiculous to say this because if he was the problem causing the infertility, then they would have never been able to form viable embryos from him and I! I think he said this as a lame excuse. Anyone with half a brain would know not to have relations with a surrogate during the IVF wait period, and more importantly, why would any respectful husband want to anyway?
NTA. Leave your husband, friend and kid. They can play family themselves since that is clearly what they wanted when they started f^%$#g. They can take care of the kid. You take care of you first.
There is a real chance that my husband might actually end up becoming a single dad. I don't know how or if the supposed friend who was supposed to be our surrogate would have. She already has two kids from a previous relationship who are older.
She said before that she was done having kids of her own which is why she was okay with serving as a surrogate since it would mean helping out but not having to take the responsibility of raising.
I don't know how she feels really because I haven't talked to her and I do not want to talk to her. The one time I contacted her after my husband confessed, I admit I exploded on her and she hung up on me a few minutes later.
You raised that baby though, don't you have some love for it? I get your mad but don't take it out on the child, that's so sad. It loves you and you're the only mommy it knows :(
Edit: to clarify I think you're NTA your husband and "friend" are huge pieces of s%$#. It's just a sad situation and I can't help but think of the baby, I'm a softie. I totally get where your coming from though, do what's best for you.
I keep vacillating back and forth on this. I have grown to love him but the same time it angers me so much looking at him and seeing the resemblance of the girl who was supposed to be my friend. I mentioned before that his eyes are brown.
Now that I know the truth, I keep noticing more and more resemblances. I worry I will take my anger out on him. I don't feel I am the safest person to be around him right now with everything going on.
This is hard to believe. If an IVF clinic was involved. This would have been discovered very early on before the child was born, and reported.
You don't know what you're talking about. IVF clinics don't test for DNA and if she was already using them they wouldn't have had reason to test every embryo for her DNA. She's not saying the clinic screwed up, she's saying her husband screwed her by screw^%$g another woman. Learn some reading comprehension.
The fertility clinic was just involved in the egg extraction, embryo formation, and storage of eggs and embryos. Another medical practice utilized the in vitro fertilization methods with the person I thought would be our surrogate.
He did not pick the surrogate for us, it was a personal friend who agreed to do this out of the supposedly kindness of her heart since she already had two prior children and knew that she could carry to term easily and didn't mind being pregnant.
Had we gone through a professional surrogacy practice, there would have been other steps involved and they would have found a few options for surrogates for us.
But the costs for way too high which is why we skipped some steps and a lot of money by going through a friend that we thought we could trust. Now I feel like I can trust no one. I don't even feel like I could try surrogacy again far in the future because my trust in that is broken.
How would the fertility clinic eliminate me as the biological mother when the embryos cultivated were in fact mine and my husband's? You make no sense at all. They inseminated multiple different times and it never took.