'AITA if I divorce my husband to get more "me time"?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for divorcing my husband to get more 'me time'?"

My husband (40M) and I (39F) have been married for 12 years, together for 13. We are in a wonderful marriage, overall. However, I typically end up with the brunt of housework, cooking, errands, laundry, and early morning wake up with the youngest of our two boys (6M, 13M) even on Saturdays and Sundays.

I also spend a lot of time cleaning up behind my husband because he "forgets" to do things. Because of this, I usually end up with almost no free time, and I never get to be the one who sleeps in.

A lot of the things he "forgets" are small things like leaving shoes out in the walkway, or leaving the lint from the lint trap on top of the dryer instead of throwing it away, or continuing to put trash in an already full trashcan, used glasses left out instead of brought to the sink, used wash rags left on the shower floor, etc.

It sounds petty, but over time, all these little things are a lot of time out of my life cleaning up after a grown up, when I'm already cleaning up after two non-grown ups. I own a business and am working on my degree on top of all of this, so I have very little "spare time" as it is.

He, on the other hand, works from home, and is able to sleep in, take nap breaks, play video games on his lunch break, and takes an hour or two every evening while I study to play video games again to "decompress".

He does give me time to go to the gym or run, but I've been skipping it more and more to try to keep up with the mess and chores at home. When I bring it up, he says I'm being unfair because I'm focusing on the "few times" he forgets to pick up after himself, and not seeing all the things he does do.

He does clean up after himself about 50% of the time, depending on what it is. But, somethings he legitimately never does, like leaving lint on the dryer or throwing away used toilet paper rolls. He also suffers from a sleep disorder, which can make a person feel "foggy" sometimes.

He says I should be more compassion with him and accept this as a part of loving someone with chronic illness.. The truth is that I DO understand what chronic illness is like and I do have compassion. I myself have been living with chronic pain and fatigue for years, and am finally undergoing the diagnostic and treatment process for lupus and RA.

I'm always in pain and constantly exhausted. But, I muscle through and maintain a reasonable level of order and sanitation in my home because that's what adults do for their kids. I don't have the luxury to "forget" to do important things like laundry, dishes, or cleaning, because then no one does it. He also says I have an unreasonably high standard of cleanliness.

Really, I feel like not wanting to leave urine stains around the base of the toilet or leaving used dishes and food on counters in an area notorious for roaches is not having a "high" standard. I feel like his standards are lower than the average adult, as most people would find that pretty gross.

One of the things my journey through AID has taught me is to learn to say "no". Although I love my husband and best friend dearly, I dont see this ever changing unless he is literally forced. I am starting to feel like taking myself out of the equation is the best option to maintain my own sanity by having one less person to clean up after, and find some much needed down time through shared custody.

Even if he only had the kids on one day a week. I feel like custody sharing might force him to hold himself to a reasonable standard of hygiene and cleanliness, too. I definitely enable his laziness out of necessity to met basic safe levels of cleanliness. Without me there, he'd have to learn to be consistent or risk losing visitation.

This is my only complaint within the marriage. We really do love and care for each other, and he's emotionally very kind and supportive. I love him very much. WIBTA for divorcing over this?

Update for Info.:

1)Yes. We have talked about it. A LOT. We have the same fight at least once every other week for over a decade.

2)We tried counseling. Nothing changed. Even after our therapist told him that even though he was loving and supportive, resentment was a marriage killer. She suggested a maid service.

3) He does not want to spend money on a cleaning service. I would love to have weekly cleanings. I was able to talk him into one cleaning per month. I am working on increasing my earning potential so I can afford it myself.

4)Yes, he does have diagnosed ADHD. I feel like this is a potential "explanation not excuse" thing, though.

5)I know divorce is expensive, but I have a very supportive family and am very close to expanding my business and attaining degrees that would allow me to be autonomous. That being said, we care a lot about each other, parent well together, and have a lot that we've built together.

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what top commenters had to say:

sirhairyhotspurrr said:

I don't think you WBTA for leaving but it sounds like you don't want to. I have a much higher standard of cleanliness than my partner. I communicated that it feels very draining when I'm the one keeping the house to my standard and they actually heard me and started asking how I do things and taking the initiative.

If your husband isn't willing to listen to you and actually hear you, then it's beyond just cleanliness. It's not listening to your partner. You would only be the asshole if you didn't communicate your needs first. Sounds like you have. It's petty, but have you ever just taken yourself out of the equation?

Like leave for a week or two and see what state the house is in when you get back? Or just quit doing things. It's easier said than done, but quit doing stuff and when he asks why, say he needs to be more understanding of your chronic condition.

Weareallme said:

NTA, because only you can decide what life you want or are willing to settle for. I think your husband doesn't just 'forget' (I'm kind of like him to be honest). I think it's a combination of not really wanting to do, not caring and maybe weaponized incompetence. He's surely able to manage 'remembering', there are so many tools to help nowadays.

I know many people (mostly men) who can perfectly manage complex jobs but when it comes to household chores they can't manage at all. Not bloody likely. They mean that they don't want to and think that it's your responsibility to manage it. They may be 'willing' to 'help', but they ultimately consider it to be their partners responsibility. So the mental load is always completely with their partner.

Material_Cellist4133 said:

There is a reason why women tend have a glow up (e.g beautiful, happier and energetic) after a divorce… It is cause they finally get time for themselves since they are no long raising their adult child and are able to spend time on themselves. NTA.

beepbeepboop74656 said:

NTA My mom went through something similar with my dad. She went scorched earth on him and stopped doing anything for him. If he left sh!t out she would normally put away she put it in a box in the garage.

Eventually he had no underwear, no shoes, no towels and she flipped her lid on him and poured the box on him when he was sleeping and she was cleaning. It was a bit of a wake up call for him, but they still have separate chores. He has to do his own laundry he has separate dishes, and they alternate weekly who has to do the linens. Some people think it’s crazy but it works for them, she almost divorced him over it.

DaniCapsFan said:

From what I've read, a lot of women file for divorce because their husband just doesn't do his part to keep up the house. It's a whole lot easier caring for the children they've had than the children and one man child. I do suggest counseling first. Does he know you're ready to end this marriage because of his weaponized incompetence? NTA

Update #1:

We fought about, I ended up ugly crying (partially out of frustration and partially bc I'd been up since 4:45am with the youngest. I told him that it was about lint on the washer and used toilet rolls on the sink, but not really. I said that I felt like he didn't listen nor care to try. We apologized, wrapped me up in our duvet and left me to nap while he took over housework and kids (He is really sweet and does try).

It's been nice to have a day off, but I'm still skeptical because this isn't the first time I've gotten to a point of walking away or being really upset, and he is extra nice for a while only to go right back to being his old self in a few days. I guess we'll see.

Five days after her original post, she shared this second update:

Hello all. Where to even begin. First, I want to thank everyone who chimed in. It really helped me feel validated in my frustration and process it. So after the melt down the day of the last post, he did as promised and took over the housework and kids for the day.

However, as I feared, by the next day, he had returned to his old, dismissive, chauvinistic self. He did zero housework for the rest of the week and picking up the slack ended up putting me in a position of unpreparedness for a very important test due tomorrow. This is his usual M.O. He puts in effort just long enough to make me think he has changed then he reverts.

Starting Sunday, I reminded him frequently that I needed time to study. It's a math test and it's hard. So, my plan was to study two hours per day and be prepared by Friday. This meant he would need to pick up at least a little slack giving baths, reading bedtime stories, ect so I could focus.

Except it didn't happen. So, I ended up using the time I needed to study to cook, clean, and do laundry Now it's late on the eve of the test and I'vehad all of 1 hour of study time. I'm exhausted and I can't even fathom practicing proportions or quadratic equations right now.

I broke down out of frustration and told him I couldn't handle it anymore. I run my business, bust my butt in school, and keep everything running. It's a major unfair burden and I'm tired of trying to make him care.

I asked him how it was that he could treat his female coworkers as equals and not extend that same respect to me. He admitted to being a hypocrite and stormed off to play video games. Right now I'm contemplating taking Incompletes for the semester so I can focus on my business and weather a messy divorce from a giant man baby.