'I don't want to meet my ex's boyfriend, but I want us to remain friends.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I don't want to meet my ex's boyfriend, but I want us to remain friends. She's gotten my fiancee of 7 years upset at me, too."
My ex girlfriend Kelly and I broke up extremely amicably. She admitted she didn't feel any romantic attraction to be anymore, wanted to focus on school, but I was her best friend. I felt the same exact way. We were best friends even after. She even introduced me to her best friend, Amanda, who I have been with since we met.
We did everything together. Kelly had never really been interested in guys because of her school work. But she graduated, got a job, made great career advancements... and now she's looking to settle down and she got a boyfriend! They've been together about 6 months and are discussing marriage.
She invited us to Friday night game night this week. We all get together and she told Amanda he would be there and he'd probably be moving in when his lease ends... which makes me not want to go over anymore.
So, I told Kelly I didn't want to go if he is, and she got extremely hurt, told me that it wasn't fair because she thought we were friends, and hasn't spoken to me but has also asked Amanda to refrain from texting her until she's ready because she needs some space to process and she's under stress at work.
Game night is still going, Kelly invited the rest of our group as normal. Amanda is barely speaking to me and called me a hypocrite and will go without me if she's asked. Kelly chose to be my friend, and she was already Amanda's... I don't see why I have to choose to be friends with someone else just to be friends with Kelly?
My fiancee said that he's been around 6 months and they are talking of marriage and if I wanted to stay her friend, it'd mean sometimes interracting. Kelly doesn't do anything lightly, so this is very serious. But I don't really care to meet him, but Kelly is still one of my closest friends. She'd be there at 3 am if there was an emergency.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Why on earth do you not want to meet him? Do you realise that this makes your friendship with her sound sketchy to everyone involved? If your ex is such a good platonic friend, why can't you support her relationship? What is your problem?
Wow dude, you've been with your fiancée 7 years but you're still not over your ex? That's extremely insulting to fiancée and I'm surprised she's not more angry. I'm guessing the only reason the friendship has lasted this long is because Kelly was single.
It's a shame the ex didn't get a boyfriend sooner so your girlfriend could have seen that you're intentions towards Kelly aren't as platonic as they should be. As for advice - stop thinking you are entitled to Kelly in any way. Get over her and your own selfish desires.
dontwannameethim (OP)
I am over Kelly. I just don't really care about him from what I've heard of him.
Clean up on denial 4!
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I got (rightfully) torn apart in my last thread. I was being stupid about it, and it actually cost me everything. I kept refusing to meet him for another week or so. Amanda and Kelly didn't buy that I had no more feelings for Kelly.
Amanda then felt like she was "a placeholder" for when Kelly was single. Amanda and I got into a huge argument about it, and I told her that if Kelly meant more to her than I do, she was free to go over to Kelly's any time.
We went to separate rooms and went to sleep. She was gone when I woke up for work, so I left her a note apologizing, and wanting to talk when I came home. I returned home from work to find that Amanda had moved out and in with Kelly who had just finished closing on a new place.
After some deep introspection, I realized I liked the attention both girls lavished on me and I enjoyed being the center of attention. The new boyfriend would've taken that way.
None if it matters now. Amanda talked to me once after she left, and that was pretty much to tell me that she's happier without me. Kelly gave her a good rental price on the mother-in-law suite that came attached with the house. She has no desire to come back.
I have been cut from the gaming groups we were in minus one or two people. I know they still go and host it because they had a big housewarming game night and my friends were tagged in it. I feel lost.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Read your last post, and unfortunately I can't say what happened wasn't deserved. BUT, that said, you seem like a different person posting here now, you've definitely been humbled, and that's a good thing.
I think you might want to consider therapy for why you acted the way you did, and why you allowed yourself to be so blind to your behaviour and how that could impact on your friendships. Build yourself back up, and you'll be a better man from it. You've learned a very harsh lesson, and hopefully it will stick with you for life, and keep you from making similar mistakes again. Good luck.
"I just don't want some d-bag mucking up our social time."
I had to double check the ages at this. I swear I heard this line in the voice of a teenage boy. OP was 37.
If Kelly was his best friend, and this is the person that Kelly thinks is worth marrying, wouldn't this guy be pretty awesome and worth meeting? If he actually had no feelings for Kelly and just viewed her as a friend, he should be excited to meet the partner of his friend.
And hadn't even met the guy, just assumed he was an "ahole" and "d-bag" because he'd be taking away OP's attention. That's a pretty strong reaction to not question until he was left alone with nothing but his thoughts. Good on him for acknowledging it I guess, but he got exactly what he deserved.
ETA: SOME of his attention, from someone he dated a decade prior. He still had a whole fiancee but apparently that wasn't enough for him. Dude truly thought he was the main character and while I feel sorry for his fiancee I love that he got exactly the reaction he deserved from everyone involved, and at least she never married him.
I love this for Kelly and Amanda. They didn't drag it out, just realized this dude was a tool and got the hell out. Absolutely iconic.