'WIBTA if I drop out of a friend's wedding after not being invited to the bachelorette?' UPDATED 3X
"WIBTA if I drop out of a friend's wedding after not being invited to the bachelorette?"
Hi! So I 25F am currently being pushed back and forth with my choice and I thought the lovely people of here might be able to rein me in.
i am currently 13 weeks pregnant and my friends around me have all been very happy and excited for me, however my childhood friend 25F, let’s call her Lisa. Stonewalled me since I announced at 8 weeks, I had assumed it was wedding stress but now I’m seconding guessing this.
In the weekend I was scrolling instagram and I came across a post where she had thanked everyone for coming to her bachelorette, photos of the girls and her smiling in the middle and I sorta sat there shocked. At first I tried to be mature and just let it go… but this was a girl I grew up with, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding party and I’m a honorary bridesmaid for hers ( she’s not having a wedding party )
In the end I guess hormones took over and I ended up reaching out to her, at first I went “ oh looks like fun! “ and she replied that it was and after a tub of ice cream and a good sob I reached out and went “ hey, uh sorry to be this person but why wasn’t I invited? “
She immediately messaged me back with the response: “ Tbh the whole day was centred around drinking (wineries and heading to town after) and im not sure you would have enjoyed being around all of us drunk af especially cause your pregnant right now.
I get that an invite would have been nice regardless, but in all honestly I just wanted to keep it very small. I’m really sorry you feel that way, but I don’t want to make this a big thing bc I’ve already had a shit week “
I tried to respond with hey thanks for getting back to me but I’m still upset cause the day is about you and I wanted to be there to celebrate you and then she rung me and just asked me to not make this a big thing once again and she sounded incredibly annoyed and like the door mat I am I dropped it
after thinking this over for the past few days I’m feeling very hurt and heartbroken, this was a girl I grew up with and loved and supported through a lot of shit, I’ve helped her plan and prepare a lot of her wedding so to suddenly get iced out like this I’m feeling a certain way.
my husband suggests we don’t go and I’m on the edge, so WIBTA if I declined going to her wedding and distancing myself?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Her saying “don’t make this a big thing” would piss me off. If you guys are close then she 100% should have at least invited you. The whole it’s my wedding and I can invite and do what I want is true, however that doesn’t mean you have no consequences for your decisions. To me she doesn’t consider you as good of a friend as you may think.
“I’m a honorary bridesmaid for hers (she’s not having a wedding party).” What the heck is this. is it a new fad I haven’t heard of or a way to get more partying and gifts from your friends without having them in the wedding?
in any case WNBTA for ghosting her wedding. She deliberately did something that she knew would hurt your feelings and told you not to make a big thing out of it
I'd say there's a good chance she is lying about not having a bridal party and that will be another cruel surprise for OP if she attends.
NTA OP. This friendship might have run its course. That might make you sad because change is hard, but dropping her so you can focus on real friendships will be a win in the long run.
I suppose whether you go or not depends on whether you enjoy weddings and whether you think you will enjoy being in the company of all those friends who went on the bachelorette party and never uttered a word about it to you.
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
The issue is I’m considered one of her old friends, we grew up in a small town and moved to same city, we both took different paths in life. Both in jobs and social circles but I had always been invited to birthdays and events.. and while I might not be friends with her be group of friends they definitely know of me. But you make a good point, and something to consider
Yta. You are pregnant, the whole day was about drinking. Salty if invited to a day long drinking session, salty if you weren't invited to a day long drinking session. The only way you'd be happy was if the party was plans around you, because you're pregnant.
Yes, you never got an invite, but you didn't get one because the places they were going and the things they had planned aren't good for pregnant women.
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
I never said I would have been salty if I got invited, I would have loved to have been there! I’ve never been a drinker and just loved the vibes and my friend is a riot of the time! I wanted to be there to support her and celebrate the next stage in her life! but I appreciate the feedback, it’s good to reflect and get another perspective.
YTA. You're bu#$hurt because you're friend didn't invite a pregnant woman (you) to a bachelorette party to sit and be bored all night? What did you expect her to do, put out milk and cookies?
OP added this in a comment for context:
At my own bachelorette that Lisa was invited to it was mildly sober (we had cocktails of course but not as massive amount of alcohol) we had a spa day. Hired a few local beauticians and a permanent jewelry maker and got everyone to bring board games!
by the end of the night we were laughing our a$%es off cause we got one of those murder mystery boxes and were playfully arguing who was the murder. It was so much fun! So I don’t know why she thought because it was at a winery I wouldn’t have fun, that’s girl time! Gossip and catching up, I don’t need booze!
The next day OP came back with this update:
Hi! Hope this is allowed but you were all so wonderful and helpful and turns out I got an update sooner then I expected. so I haven’t heard from Lisa, that I expected
what I didn’t expect is a friend of Lisa to get in touch with me, let’s call her Sarah, I knew of Sarah and spoke to her a few times at events we attended together and she was one of the girls with myself went wedding dress shopping for Lisa.
she was also a friend I noticed wasn’t at the bachelorette which was a surprise anyway and at first she was doing a “hey how are you “ and we did polite small talk blah blah until she finally went “ so are you as pissed off and mad as I am at Lisa OP? “
Immediately I was slightly shocked as the few times I had met Sarah she was very I guess demure?
That opened the floodgates of information and she told me everything she knows, so what I didn’t put in the post is I actually waited 2 days before messaging Lisa about the lack of invite… turns out 3 of Lisa’s friends who also weren’t invited hit her up immediately after she posted on instagram asking why they weren’t invited
turns out these girls absolutely chewed Lisa alive and my “ confrontational “ was soft and finally it was revealed what actually happened and now I’m even more confused
so Lisa admitted to Sarah that her sister in law planned the bachelorette and just decided she was only going to invite the friends she knew.. so Lisa’s usual group of 8- 10 friends including me got narrowed down into 4 and Lisa decided not to correct her sister in law and just went with it, not realizing how many people she would be upsetting with not inviting people
apparently once people started attacking her she basically Lisa buried her head in sand and started making up lies to everyone on why they weren’t invited and using the same excuse of “ don’t make this a big deal “ until everyone realized the reasons were bullshit and called her out for it and the real truth came out
Sarah has informed me the girls who weren’t invited have all pulled out of the wedding, their partners included because they got the same annoyed response from Lisa before she told the truth and they all thought they didn’t deserve that...
then she finally asked me what Lisa told me and I went deathly quiet on the phone before finally admitting she used my pregnancy as a excuse which then started poor Sarah on another rant of anger on how Lisa could say that to me! When I’m pregnant.. anyway we ended the call and she hoped we could get coffee sometime so I think I’ve made a friend?
so.. that’s the update.. this pregnant lady is very confused.. and I’m currently the number one buyer of ice cream at my local dairy LOL
Here's what people said after the update:
Don’t go. Whatever is going on behind the scenes will ensure this isn’t a celebratory event with friends and laughter. Finish whatever tasks you’re working on/promised for the wedding and bow out. It’s already extremely toxic and my guess would be that you haven’t even seen all the drama yet.
Focus on your new bundle to be and use the day of the wedding as some time for you and your husband to baby moon… or pre-baby moon!
I stopped reading at “demure”
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
So valid I just didn’t know how else to describe her. elegant? sophisticated? Demure was the only one that made sense in my mind 🤣
You need to get your friend out of this wedding...
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
I have tried in my own sneaky way.. I’ll admit that. at the start it was often phone calls with her in tears because the groom refused to pay for any part of the wedding cause he paid the mortgage ( she’s a student ). So she’s managed to scrape together some money for the wedding which was most of her savings
I tried to be the voice of reason “ hey, you don’t have to get married within a year of being proposed to, why don’t we wait until your degree is over and then you’ll have a job! “ etc.
but the response I got was “ people who wait longer then 2 years to get married OP are tacky “ ( funniest part is my husband and I waited three years so we could save up ) and at that point I knew there was no arguing with her.. tried a few more times but nothing.
Op how did Lisa “Stonewall” you other than not inviting you to the bachelorette party? I don’t think you should go, still. Lisa just doesn’t really seem all that nice, you should do something together you, Sarah and the other excluded friends should all go out that evening!
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
Realized I did that cool thing where I replied internally and not externally so sorry about that
so when I announced to her at 8 weeks I was really cute about it, we were discussing some wedding details like the seating chart and once the conversation finished up ( I made sure we were done talking about her before bringing it up ) I did cute “ hey btw are you okay if I bring a third to the wedding?
You won’t need an extra seat or anything I promise “ and then showed her the 8 week scan At the time I got a “ oh congrats “ which now looking back was rather monotone but I did like a “ oh she’s stressed and has a lot going on I don’t need to make my pregnancy all about me “
since that day, anytime I talked to her about anything other then the wedding I go no response, even if it wasn’t about the baby… frankly I never really brought it up, just hey! How’s course going? I got a “ good “ instead of the usual blurb about how stressful it is.
But she would happily reach out and go “ hey at your wedding in Feb, you had the wishing well, can I borrow it? “ sorta thing… and maybe I was naive and thinking it was wedding stress but looking back I just don’t know
Is it possible she’s low-key mad at you for being pregnant because of the attention you may get if you are starting to show?
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
I am.. already showing too… cause I’m a plus size girly while im 13 I look about.. 18 weeks already.. and I’ll be 18 weeks when she gets married so I’m not excited to see how large I’ll be by then…
but I was looking at dresses that would have concealed the bump! but yeah I did wonder that
I can’t figure out why the hell she posted it online?
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
I think that’s the part that I’m struggling with as well It’s the fact she posted it online it’s the fact that the caption was “Couldn’t have asked for a better day, blessed with the best of friends “
And maybe I’ll admit that’s an odd thing to get upset about but it just felt a bit like someone cut me open and then rubbed salt and lemon juice into the wound.. it’s one thing not being invited.. it’s another seeing a caption like that and having the internal thought of “ I’ll just go f%$# myself then “
NTA she made it very clear that you and the group are not her friendship priority anymore. Perhaps her new SIL and her gang will be there to replace you guys. At least that is what she is making it seems.
Are her in laws paying for the majority of the wedding? Is she one of those pleasers that play along with the most annoying person so she can feel part of the group? You know she is in deep trouble, right? Her SIL must be some sort of single b each that likes to impose over others desire. But the way, congrats on the baby. 13 weeks so so?
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
Exactly 13 weeks and 5 days! And frankly I don’t know what to make of the in-laws, I know for a fact she’s ( Lisa ) paying for most of the wedding.. I will be honest I don’t particularly like her fiancé all though I’ve never outright told her just relayed my concerns
one of the reasons they actually have no bridal party was because the groom demanded 5, he had 5 guy friends he was close to and while Lisa has multiple friends they all work in fields where not everyone has time to take out for events.. therefor a lot of them turned her down.. I think I was one of 3 who said yes
In the end I know it turned into a massive argument between the two and the groom finally stomped his feet and said no wedding party then! and so Lisa went around giving out the honorary title and asked certain people to wear a certain colour… it’s all rather sad actually
and then the groom asked her to make his SIL MOH cause she means a lot to him… a lot of 🚩🚩🚩 But she’s also the kinda person where it for a second you negatively comment on her relationship she cuts you off so I’ve always just been supportive in the background
6 days after the initial post OP added this update:
Guys.. I want off this train 🤣 So minor and small update. so as mentioned in my previous post Lisa and I are childhood friends, and our mothers are friends.
I finally shared what had happened with my mum and first mum was so upset for me but also gave me an “ I told you so OP you are too much of a doormat ( thanks mum ) but she then said I have a big heart and sometimes people tend to use and abuse it ( ONCE AGAIN THANKS MUM ). “
anyway.. mum then gave more tea, more gossip So apparently while Lisa has been telling people that she’s paying for her wedding out of her own pocket, turns out a big fat lie!
Lisa’s mother had been sending her money and from what my mother told me it was a decent chunk of change, how do we know this? Well Lisa’s mum went to my mum upset because one thing I forgot to notice is Lisa’s mum wasn’t wasn’t invited to the bachelorette party
( context for people outside nz, we don’t have bridal parties so usually what people do is the older generation gets invited to like dinner and then the younger girls go out and party if you have a piss up, if you don’t have a piss up and just do a more chilled bachelorette then mum will be there the whole time, like mine )
So Lisa mother was distraught because she had been sending Lisa a decent amount of cash, had been told she wasn’t allowed to give her opinion about anything to do with the wedding and then wasn’t invited to her bachelorette...
And Lisa’s mother is honestly a nice lady so to hear that it kinda broke my heart and if I had known Lisa’s mother was sending money I would have told Lisa to pull her head in.
my mum then had to break the news about why I wasn’t invite to the bachelorette and Lisa’s poor mother was mortified
So that’s the update.. is it even an update? I don’t know… I’m just very sad at this point cause I don’t know where my friend has gone? If she’s there anymore? Is this a bridezilla moment? I don’t know..
My ice cream journey though, I read everyone people have been loving this pregnancy ladies carving so allow me to indulge, recently I tried the Ben and Jerry's Banoffee flavor and it was very good,.
I wish the caramel swirl was mixed throughout all the ice cream but beggars can’t be choosers, and I had the most amazing strawberry sorbet the other day! Honestly so good I almost asked the ice cream shop for a tub of it but I had self control!
Here's what people had to say after update 2:
You know, I'm not sure I believe this story about how Lisa's SIL set the guest list. I think that might be a lie Lisa was telling to Sarah to try to excuse her actions. If that's the case, Lisa totally threw her SIL under the bus. Which... does SIL know that she's being partly blamed for this?
Kinda wonder if Lisa's mother would appreciate knowing that maybe she wasn't included because Lisa's SIL made all the decisions.
Flat-Ad-471 OP responded:
I’m starting to realize that is most definitely the case, SIL has been thrown under the bus cause Lisa is realizing that people don’t take to kindly to being disrespected. as for Lisa’s mum knowing about Lisa’s excuse I don’t know.. I’ll talk to my mum and see what she thinks. For now I don’t want to overload the poor woman cause it’s a lot
It really comes down to the story of the groom throwing his tantrum. If that story is true, I think it really is all pressure from the in laws.
The bachelorette party being driven by the in-laws. The wedding party being driven by the in-laws. The wedding being driven by the in-laws.
Anyways, whatever the motivation, Lisa is doing a fantastic job burning bridges.
A month later OP came back with this "final update":
Just wanna give a big thanks to everyone for coming along on this wild journey with me, you have all helped me not go insane this past month.
onto the update- so I attended the wedding i know I know you can all boo me in the comments but I was leaning towards not going until I spoke to my mum who ultimately told me this would be a nice way of closing our chapter of friendship, I could walk away with my head held high.. later she told me that also Lisa’s mum begged my mum to convince to me attend.
I attended with my husband and I immediately noticed the vibe and aura was completely off.
People of Reddit who are married who will understand me, weddings feel like love, this didn’t.. this was technically a instagram picture perfect wedding but it could have been anyone’s wedding.. it didn’t feel personal.
My friend barely smiled unless it was photos, her vows were robotic, and the MOH was useless, that was my biggest pet peeve, it is not that hard to see the brides dress needs fluffing or she needs a drink and even I’ll admit I felt no joy watching speeches and how everyone, spoke about the groom and threw something in for the bride at the last second.
The bride acted like we were good, like there was no beef, like the bachelorette thing never happened. I felt strange, I didn’t like it because I know her and she isn’t able to hide her emotions and she wears her emotions on her sleeves so I think she genuinely thinks nothing is wrong between us.
She pulled me aside and said how she loved and appreciated me and how she was excited to be an honorary aunty and kept touching my belly and blowing kisses at it. I left the wedding feel a lot of emotions, I know I’m hormonal right now and I feel everything but I just. I don’t know?
But I can sit here and admit the friendship is done, I don’t think I can look at her the same after everything I learned talking to my mother and with how I was treated.
The chapter is closed and other then the bridemaids thing I can look back somewhat fondly on our childhood and time together… planning our marriages out with our bratz dolls. I’ve never been good with friendship break ups but this time I think I am, I think I’ll be okay.
Thank you all for listening to the rambles of this pregnant lady, who has also all enjoyed your ice cream recommendations. You have all expanded my horizons.. and I’m sure the little one in my stomach appreciates it too . Signing off Love OP ❤️