'AITA for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to tell me we were having professional photos taken?'
"AITA for leaving my partner’s family reunion without warning after he (33m) failed to tell me (33f) we were having professional family photos taken?"
InformationFar9065
Context: As you can imagine, this is not the first time he’s failed to tell me pertinent information about the activity at hand. We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time. When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc.
Background: About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row. This past Monday, I flew back from my home state and then traveled 4 hours round trip to a neighboring city on Thursday and Friday for a work training.
When I arrived back on Friday, there was a safety situation at the office that required me to remain at work until 9pm to have the locks changed. Essentially, I was absolutely exhausted by Friday night.
Situation: My partner was able to leave Thursday evening for his family reunion (at the lake) and we agreed that I would meet him there on Saturday. On Saturday, I made the 2 hr drive and arrived to the reunion around 1:30pm.
About an hour into being there, I hear one of his cousins say that she has to “get out and go get ready for dinner.” I look to my partner and ask, “We’re going to dinner tonight?” Another cousin hears me and elaborates that we are also having professional family photos taken at dinner.
Because we are at the lake, I have only packed athleisure wear and swim suit cover ups. I have no make up, no hair tools, and nothing to wear. I also have long, curly hair- even a “wash and go” style takes planning because my hair stays wet for hours. His sister tries to reassure me but literally NO ONE wants to be unprepared for professional photos with their in-laws at a family reunion.
I am simply unable to recover. I let him know that I have only packed 1 dress (that is very, very obviously a swimsuit cover up) and he, in a group conversation with his family, attempts to encourage me to wear that cover up for the pictures.
I leave the dock and walk back to where we are staying. After taking a shower and sorting through my thoughts, I ultimately decide that I will not be attending dinner or pictures.
At 4:30pm, his mom knocks on the door and lets him know it is time to leave to make it on time for 5:00pm pictures. I let him know I will not be going and he immediately gets upset with me and insinuates I am being unreasonable. In that moment I privately decide I will be leaving the reunion altogether once he goes to dinner.
I wait for him to leave, pack my stuff and drive back home. He is very upset with me and sends a text saying, “I am really hurt you left.” We have not spoken since and are in a standoff about the whole thing. So, AITA for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos?
ETA: We have been together almost 4 years. We are not married but our lives are fully integrated (mortgage, family, friends, investments, etc.) He has a lovely family and I have a good relationship with all of them.
I packed essentials for the trip, like sunscreen. If dinner and photos were not taking place, no one there would have worn make up or styled their hair. It seems everyone has a different take on what Lake Weekend means.
But for us it means laid back and dressed down. Emphasis on casual. To everyone who has at least acknowledged my frustration, thank you. For the rest, there is no winning with a lot of the feedback.
My options are either that I am a drama queen for leaving and therefore pretentious, self-absorbed, and overly concerned about my appearance OR that I should have packed make-up, hair tools, and a photoshoot worthy outfit without knowing any of the plans to SWIM AT THE LAKE. You can see how this is impossible right?
I didn't leave because I was worried about looking perfect in the pictures, I left because I did not feel respected by my partner. Expecting someone to take formal family photos in a swim suit cover up while everyone else is in their Sunday best is unrealistic.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
jrm1102
NTA - but was there not an email or text thread you were a part of here? But yeah, cant blame you for being angry.
InformationFar9065 OP responded:
There were a few different text threads- apparently I was not on the one about dinner and photos. Usually, he will be on the threads for his events and I will be on the threads for mine.
HowlPen
NTA His lack of communication is the issue here. You responded in the best way you could to his mistakes. If you’d made yourself even more uncomfortable and gotten photographed in a swimsuit coverup while the rest of the family was dressed up, you’d have to look at that damn photo for years to come.
It also doesn’t sound like the sister or cousins were offering any help with make up, hair, or a borrowed dress. Let’s hope they at least let him know that he blew it, because he certainly did.
InformationFar9065 OP responded:
His family would have offered me clothing, hair tools, and make up! The issues are: Sizing: they are all tall and I am extremely petite. They have straight hair and do not use the same products/ tools.
Forcing a solution where I remain uncomfortable (borrowed clothes, different hair and make up), while he remains comfortable (I stay, problem perceived as solved) further perpetuates the cycle.
If this were to happen in the future, I would likely be expected to force solutions again in order to keep the peace rather than actually solving the communication/ courtesy problem at hand.
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA. "We’ve had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time." So he knows it's important to you to be prepared. The way you've set out & ordered your post also speaks to a careful & meticulous mindset in the way you do things, so I'm really surprised he doesn't make more effort to meet you halfway.
"So, am I the AH for leaving my partner’s family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos." No. Reiterating you aren't. He's let you know how hurt he is, but he's not listening to or trying to understand how you feel. It's clearly a bigger general issue with you two but I think most people would be really annoyed at this sort of blindsiding.