Woman refuses dinner duty after boyfriend scoffs at her workload; 'I'm not his personal chef.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to cook my boyfriend dinner?"
Okay, so here’s the deal. I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for about two years. We live together, and I’m the one who usually cooks because I enjoy it and honestly, I’m just better at it. He can boil water sometimes lol.
Anyway, last night, he came home from work and immediately plopped himself on the couch. I asked him how his day was, and he just grunted at me like I’m his roommate or something.
Whatever, I let it slide. Then, around 7 PM, he’s like, “What’s for dinner?” and I told him I hadn’t started cooking yet because I’d been busy cleaning the house and doing laundry.
He kinda scoffed and said, “Well, I’ve been working all day. Can’t you just throw something together?” And that just rubbed me the wrong way. Like, yes, you work a 9-5, but I work too (freelance, so at home), and I also handle 99% of the housework.
I told him he could figure out dinner himself, and he got all pouty, saying he was “too tired” and didn’t know what to make. I suggested ordering takeout, but he said he didn’t want to spend money.
Long story short, I stood my ground and didn’t cook. He ended up eating cereal and was super passive-aggressive the rest of the night, slamming cupboards and sighing dramatically.
This morning, he made a snide comment like, “Guess I know where I stand now,” and now I’m wondering if I was too harsh. Like, I get that he’s tired, but so am I? I feel like a jerk, but also, I’m not his personal chef? AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NTA - do not marry and do not have kids. Find a ‘partner’ in all of life and its mundane domestic tasks.
Mother-Ad-1658 (OP)
Thankfully we're both child free. I'm definitely rethinking things though.
I always think, when people complain about a partner not taking care of them, especially with LIFE chores - what would you do if you were single/lost your spouse/girlfriend? Would you come home from work and just sit and starve?
Would you fuss out loud that you were too tired to do laundry, but had nothing to wear? Get pissed because there is no beer in the fridge? Only Moms and Dads have to take care of babies. No one else on this planet owes you a home cooked meal on demand. NTA.
It sounds like he had a long day at work and was exhausted once he got home. That's not an excuse for him acting like a baby about everything though. Sounds like it's time to have a discussion about fairly splitting who does what. Not a rigid schedule or anything, but just that you shouldn't be expected to cook dinner every single night because you work too.
That lately you feel the bulk of everything is on your back just because he's "been working all day". Because you haven't been? People seem to think that someone who works at home lounges on the couch all day binge watching Netflix. They don't.
Mother-Ad-1658 (OP)
I've tried to discuss splitting the chores more but he says he works so hard he probably couldn't do them right. I don't think he sees my job as that hard because I don't work in an office like he does or make as much money.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Hey everyone, I wanted to give you an update after reading all the comment.
Thank you to everyone who gave advice, even the tough love.
After reading all your comments and really thinking about it, I decided I needed to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about how I’ve been feeling. I told him I was overwhelmed from doing almost all the cooking and housework on top of my freelance work, and that it wasn’t fair for me to carry the bulk of everything just because I work from home.
He didn’t take it well. He got defensive and said things like, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” and, “I work harder, so it makes sense you’d handle the rest.” That really hurt because it made me realize he doesn’t respect the work I do, whether it’s my job or taking care of our apartment.
I tried explaining that I didn’t mind helping more but that I wasn’t willing to keep doing everything. Instead of meeting me halfway, he doubled down, saying he shouldn’t have to change anything because he’s the one who “pays more of the bills.”
That was the final straw for me.
I realized I deserve a partner who sees us as equals and who’s willing to put in the effort to make things fair. So, I ended things.
It’s been hard because two years is a long time, but I already feel lighter knowing I’m no longer stuck in a relationship where my contributions aren’t valued. Thank you to everyone who gave me the push I needed to stand up for myself. I’m sad, but I know this was the right choice for me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Cheers, darling. You are no one's servant. Live your best life.
He will be missing you more than you miss him.
Mother-Ad-1658 (OP)
Thank you. I was really sad at first but now that I think about it more I was happier before we moved in together.
Jesus I can’t understand people who can’t cook to the point where they “can barely boil water”. You think that’s cute?? You think it makes you more of a man because you can’t feed yourself??
pro tip, learn how to effing cook basic effing food, it will both nourish you and give you effng appreciation for the work that goes into food prep.
This is the kind of man child who never loves women, but just wants a servant. Good for OP for standing up!