'AITA for telling my boyfriend I would 'wait for him' after he chose to reconnect with his ex-wife who's terminally ill?'
"AITA for telling my boyfriend I would 'wait for him' after he chose to reconnect with his ex-wife who's terminally ill?"
ChannelParticular684
My (36F) ex husband and I got married in 2018 and started trying for a baby. We respected all the fertility guidelines but it wasn't working for us. My ex was really affected by it. He wanted a baby more than anything and couldn't handle that I wasn't getting pregnant.
I wasn't as worried about it at the time. After a year, we were supposed to start doing tests and consultations to see what was the issue. The problem was that at that point I was already exhausted by the whole thing. Our entire relationship had been consumed by the effort to conceive. Also, assisted fertility treatments scared me. I didn't want any of that.
I asked for us to do couples' counseling before moving foward with trying to have a baby. The conclusion we ultimately came to after almost a year of therapy was that I just didn't want to have a baby as much as him. I was also not willing to undergo alternative methods if it came to that.
We got divorced in 2020 after a little more than two years of marriage and four years of relationship. The separation was not in bad terms but it was painful for both of us and we decided it would be better to not remain in contact after our divorce was finalized. That was the last time I talk to him.
I moved on with my life deciding I was never going to get married again let alone having children. I started dating again after some time but nothing serious until two years ago when I met James (45M).
He had a story somewhat similar to mine. He married his first wife right after college and they were together for 15 years. They also struggled with infertility for years and ultimately decided against having a baby after she got diagnosed with cancer.
She got better after treatment and they divorced in amicable terms. They remained in friendly contact afterwards but when me and James started getting serious I asked for him to stop that and they both agreed to stop talking.
A few months ago, she contacted him to let him know that her cancer had come back. She doesn't want to undergo any further treatment so she isn't going to live for too long.
James told me he intended to stay close to her during this process until the end and I agreed. I had grown a bit closer to her during this time too. The issue is that James and her were obviously reconnecting in a way deeper level that they expected.
So last week James finally told me he realised that she was the love of his life and that he wanted to fully spend the last months of her life together without me in the middle.
I understood where he was coming from with all this even though it was disappointing for me because I really love James. I told him I would "wait for him" to be ready to be with me again after she passed, thinking that by saying it I was showing myself being supportive and patient of his situation.
But James took it differently. He said that me saying I would “wait for him” came across as insensitive, because it implied that I was anxiously waiting for her to die so I could have him to myself. That wasn't my intention at all. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AllottedWordCount
I don’t think this is an AH situation. It sounds like your relationship has come to an end, with James realising that he wants to be with his ex-wife for whatever remaining time she has, not with you.
“I’ll wait for you,” can be a normal thing for someone to say during a breakup if they feel there’s room for rekindling, but in this scenario you would be waiting for someone to die and that is a push too far.
Obvious_Medium_7649
NTA but your energy might be better spent finding the love of your life, not waiting for someone who told you you’re not his.
WeirdWhippetWoman
Not the AH. However, there won't be anything to wait for. When his partner dies, he won't be ready to date for several years after she passes. He might try to jump back into it, but he won't be healthy. He'll be angry and grief stricken.
At the moment, anything you do or say will be construed in the wrong way. From a psychological pov, he needs to rewrite you as the bad guy to cope with this. He is dumping one woman, for an ex. He will feel guilty for leaving her in the past, for hurting you, and for wasting time of two women.
Additionally, you deserve better. Yes, We can have compassion for why he is leaving, but in the end, you were not his priority. You deserve someone who considers you to be the love of his life.
This is not your person. You are allowed to prioritise yourself. You are allowed to be angry. Even if his reasons are "good", your partner has still betrayed you. It sucks, and it hurts. I'm sorry. I wish you joy in your future.
Aggravating_Ring39
Don’t wait for someone who is choosing someone else. You’re not a consolation prize.
Low_Turn_4568
You're 36 now? Me too. It's scary to start over again, but you can. She's the love of his life. He probably shouldn't have said that but now you know. Find someone who views you this way. We all deserve that.
NTA, but that man will resent you forever, through no fault of your own, for making them break contact. He will view that as time he could've had with her. It's a sad situation, and quite unique. I suggest counseling.