'AITA for telling my MIL she cannot be there when I give birth?'
"AITA for telling my MIL she cannot be there when I give birth?"
Visual-Run-7349
I (26F) have been married to my husband Killian (29M) for two years. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our first child, and so me and him have obviously been talking a lot about getting things ready etc, how we want things to go.
We didn't explicitly discuss that I didn't want his mother Alice there but I figured that might be kind of unspoken considering that me and her haven't had the best relationship, constantly making digs about how I "don't do enough" for him, how I'm lazy etc etc.
It got old real quick and I leave Killian to deal with her most of the time because I really can't be arsed. It's also context that he has two sisters also, both with kids. Yesterday Killian and I were out and she said she wanted him to come around to have a quick look at some work that she wanted doing (he works in construction and is basically everyone's handyman when he wants to be).
He asked if I minded popping around because we were together, offered to do it another time, but I said we might as well go now. When he was in her kitchen looking at what needed to be done, Alice was like "oh, it's always been tradition for me to be there when my daughters give birth. I'd love to be there for you too."
I was completely freaking gobsmacked at this moment. I stared at her for a moment and was like "uh, no. that's not going to happen." At which she went off on one saying that I'm selfish, that excluding her from an "important family experience".
I told her she was full of it and that she was not going to be there, because that's weird. At which point Killian clocked on, gave me that look that asked me if I wanted to go (I did) and we left.
He's told me he's happy to tell her that she's being a complete weirdo about the whole situation, but I'm debating if I was too harsh on the way that I told her.
I know she's just going to use this as further ammunition as to why I'm a terrible person and going to be a horrible mum, and I don't know if it would just be easier to sit down with her and have an adult conversation about why what she wants is unbelievably unreasonable. Or maybe I'm just wrong. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Few_System3573
NTA, "no" is a whole sentence and no one is entitled to a justification from you. If you're planning on a hospital birth, nurses in L&D do NOT screw around - tell them you don't want her in the room and she will....not be in the room. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy and your labour!
Visual-Run-7349 (OP)
Thank you so much. I think I'd pay good money to see the look on her face when she was made to leave, but maybe in some other situation haha.
Fleurtheleast
She's spent the majority of your relationship belittling and insulting you, but now that she wants something (insane) you're suddenly "her daughter"? What a comedian she is. NTA.
PS: I wonder if her own daughters actually wanted her in there with them when they gave birth. Food for thought.
Visual-Run-7349 (OP)
Truly. Her next birthday present can be a meet and greet with Jimmy Carr so she can get some more tips.
Time_Garden_2725
As a retired OB nurse. This is your experience not hers. No way do you want her to compare her daughters to your experience. This happened to me. This is a very private and personal situation for you and your husband.
KaliTheBlaze
NTA. Oh no. She presumed she would be at a deeply vulnerable, intimate moment in your life, despite not having a good relationship with you. Bring completely nonplussed and as a result being rather blunt is not your fault. She sprang a huge, utterly unexpected expectation on you, and then was rude and demanding when you understandably denied her.
It’s your call whether you have the patience to try to explain to her why her expectation is bizarre and pushy and ridiculous, but personally, I know I’d end up getting frustrated with the dumb pushback you already know she’s going to throw at you, and I’d probably end up being blunt and likely condescending to the point of rudeness. I’d leave this one to my spouse, personally.
Herps15
MIL is right it is an ‘important family experience’ for you, your partner and your baby becoming a family. It’s not a spectator sport. It’s a deeply intimate and vulnerable medical experience and in no way should you be made to feel uncomfortable in that moment.
Studies show a stress mum is more likely to encounter complications or longer births so you need to be as relaxed as possible in this moment. I would absolutely not want anyone but my husband there while I’m pushing a baby out of my vagina in full view, bleeding, in pain and probably pooping.
It’s a beautiful thing to have a baby but not something you want lots of people to witness. NTA and he needs to set his mum straight.