'AITA for ending my friendship with my best friend after she avoided me at her destination wedding and then blamed me for it?'
"AITA for ending my friendship with my best friend after she avoided me at her destination wedding and then blamed me for it?"
My best friend of five years, Sam, had a destination wedding. I wasn’t going to attend due to cost and some hesitation about traveling alone, but I made it work and brought a newish friend, Ashley, as my plus one—something I confirmed with Sam months in advance.
Ashley and I arrived in Europe four days before Sam. During that time, I texted and called her, but she never responded—despite being active in a group chat with other guests.
It felt like she was deliberately ignoring me. At the venue, she was distant, but I assumed it was wedding stress. Despite sensing this, I tried my best to be present and around for anything she needed.
Mind you, there was no designated "made of honor" except for her 14 year old daughter. So, as her "best friend" I took it upon myself to try and fill that role as much as possible where it was needed.
On the wedding day, I did her makeup, something she had asked me to months before, despite not being a makeup artist and feeling hesitant. I repeatedly asked if she was sure, but she insisted.
After I was done doing hers, she, last minute, also asked me to do her mom’s, mother-in-law’s, and aunt’s makeup, which I of course did. I watched her take photos, teared up at her wedding, and felt genuinely happy for her.
At the reception, a long table was set up, split between her and her husband’s family. When I found our seats, I realized we had been placed at the farthest end—across from the one person in the groom’s family that no one liked.
Sam came over, laughed, and said, “These seats were deliberate,” before walking away. It was confusing and hurtful. I had planned her bridal shower, talked to her almost every day, and she always referred to me as her best friend, but I left the wedding feeling like anything but.
As Ashley and I were leaving, we went to say goodbye to Sam, her family, and the grooms family. I said something along the lines of "I am so happy my best friend is married to the man of her dreams" and she made a comment to the table that she realizes now that many of her guests consider her their best friend. I found it off-putting and very telling.
For weeks afterwards, Sam kept sending me BFF memes and gifs, which was unusual. Eventually, she sensed my distance and asked if I was mad. I told her I wasn’t mad, just sad—that I didn’t feel like her best friend at her wedding. She cried, said she never meant to hurt me, and blamed wedding stress.
A few hours later, she texted saying she felt unsupported and hurt by me, then canceled our plans to see each other. I apologized, unaware she was upset given all the gifs and memes she sent me.
She then accused Ashley of flirting with married men and making guests uncomfortable. I did notice Ashley gravitating towards men, but I didn’t see anything overtly inappropriate. Still, I later told Ashley to be mindful of how she interacts with married men. She does have a pick me vibe that I realized later and am not okay with.
When I asked Sam how I had hurt her, she claimed the Ashley stuff and my supposed fights with my boyfriend overshadowed her wedding. The problem? My boyfriend and I never fought. It was a completely made up accusation.
She also said I was never around (not true), and she mixed up timelines, making it clear she didn’t have a good grasp of what actually happened. I asked why she seated us so far away from her. She claimed it "made the most sense."
Side note: A few months before the wedding, Sam asked me to email her fiancé about how unfairly his 20 year old daughter treated her. I hesitated, feeling it wasn’t my place, but she insisted.
His daughter is extremely rude, and was blatantly disrespectful to Sam in front of my bf and I. So, defending my best friend felt more important in the moment. Turns out, he thought I was overstepping, and I apologized to him immediately.
I addressed everything else that hurt me, factually, but she had no real response. I acknowledged Ashley’s behavior, apologized for bringing her, and took responsibility for anything that may have made guests uncomfortable.
But it felt like she was using Ashley as an excuse to justify how she treated me. Instead of owning her actions, she deflected, cursed at me, yelled, and hung up on me, saying things like "I don't have time for this" and "Either be my friend or dont. Im not going to beg for friends".
Later, she sent a short apology ending with, “I’m the only one apologizing, and a best friend should apologize too.” I blocked her after she sent me a couple of mean messages and posted passive-aggressive social media memes about toxic people, and “The only people who can sit at my table are ones who’ve earned the right to do so".
A few weeks later, she reached out to Ashley to get a hold of me, and then asked to meet me for lunch. I agreed. She cried a lot, I hugged her, telling her I missed her and didn’t want her to be upset, then she half apologized with the old "I'm sorry but your actions hurt me to..." line, and she never fully took accountability.
After that, I cut her out of my life and haven’t spoken to her in almost six months.
AITA for cutting Sam off?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
These are adults in this story?
I never understand people like you OP. The moment she sat you far away and said it was deliberate, why didn’t your self esteem kick and block her? Why does it take people months of abuse to finally drop a friend? I really don’t get it.
I had a friend that I went to camp with and we stayed friends thru college and after. She got mad at me because I couldn’t drive 5 hours to her birthday party (I lived 2 states away and I’d hurt my back, I wasn’t going anywhere).
She cut me off. We reconnected a few years later at a friends wedding. She said she was sorry. Two years later, she’s getting married. I couldn’t make it to the shower or bachelorette party. I go to the wedding and something feels off. She talks to me, but it’s not the same.
Her mom was cold with me and her mom had LOVED me when we were younger. I get home and realize I’ve been unfriended on Facebook. I said f that I’m done playing these games. It’s been 15 years and I don’t regret not fighting for something that no longer existed with someone who didn’t have the decency to tell me she was mad/hurt/etc.
NTA. She has been very inconsistent, leaving you twisting wondering what she might be upset about and trying to predict what was around the corner so you could avert the drama.
NTA. You did way more than was necessary. Whatever she has going on, she clearly wants you to bend over backwards for her and is keeping you in limbo on purpose. You don't need all of this unnecessary drama in your life for someone who doesn't really seem to care about you.
Her actions speak volumes. Just let her live her life however she wants, and you keep your distance from someone who can't tell she is being very hurtful and dismissive. Good riddance. She is just mad that you are no longer available to be her punching bag because you are such a good person. Be Well and know you are not the issue, she is. NTA. Update me.