'AITA for ending my marriage because I couldn't being married to a widow with kids?'

"AITA for ending my marriage because I couldn't handle the reality of marriage to a widow with kids?"

I (32m) got married almost 3 years ago. Right now I'm going through a divorce from my wife (31f). My wife was a very young widow with two kids when I met her. We dated for almost two years before getting engaged and we were engaged for 5 months before we got married.

My wife's kids are 12 and 13 as I'm writing this and I walked away a little over 6 months ago now. My wife's late husband died suddenly about a year and a half before we met.

So looking back I can see how fast it could all be for the kids. I can see why maybe it was too fast. But I have known people who remarried even faster and were happy in their second marriages and the kids did fine. So I was running on the belief that this would be the same for us.

During the dating period things went well. I got along well with my wife's kids. They accepted me being around and we were building up a solid relationship. My wife and I enjoyed our time together during that time and I felt like she was truly committed to me. Even when we began living together it was good.

Only after the wedding the kids withdrew from me. They were no longer okay with me driving them around, they would reject my offers to help with homework or take them someplace and would instead say they wanted their mom to do it. Anytime we talked they would share less about their day with me. If I asked them if they were okay I got a shrug or a yeah.

Before the wedding they didn't mind saying the good and the bad. They also looked at photos of their dad more and I noticed some of his stuff appearing around the living area of the house more.

My wife's parents commented that the kids hadn't really looked at the photos so frequently or scattered their dad's things around the house like that since he'd been newly gone (for the first six months to be more accurate).

I never minded having the photos out or even their dad's stuff. When we started living together and moved into the house I explained they could have photos and his things around the place. They chose to keep them in their rooms at the time. And I could be a little sensitive to what was happening. Maybe I was just never cut out for it. But at times I felt like they were trying to mark the house as their dad's house.

One time I really felt this was when their dad's mug suddenly appeared at the spot at the table I would sit at every time. I'd been sitting there for months and suddenly his mug was there and it remained there and whenever we would eat together they would stare at me to see if I'd sit there or somewhere else. I talked to my wife about it and she told me I did the right thing taking another seat.

They also started putting photos of when their dad was alive in more prominent positions and would hide ones that included me behind them. I asked one day if they had moved the photos and they said yeah, that they wanted the photos of their family to be seen.

Going alongside this my wife was acting differently. She made less time for us. When we were together she wasn't as affectionate and I caught her playing with her first wedding ring, which she wore around her neck, more. She called her latte husband's family her in-laws again but didn't call my family her in-laws.

Her priority was spending time with her late husband's parents and siblings and she would choose to spend time with them over mine even if the kids were not going to be joining us. Often she would "forget" when we had plans with my family. She really made zero effort with my family and my family tried to get close to her and the kids. Plans we had discussed before marriage were also changed.

We had discussed having kids together and agreed we wanted one or two but then she said she didn't know after we were married. She was not the same with other people. She was just as open and affectionate as before with everyone else. She enjoyed herself. But it was like being reminded of me was a bucket of ice water over her head.

I tried to discuss it with her but she was "busy" or she'd say she had no idea she was doing it and promised to be more conscious but she wasn't. And then she started talking about her late husband more. I would try to engage with her about him but she'd carry on without me and almost seemed to dislike me talking about him.

In the end I couldn't do it. I know there are ways to try and make it work but I didn't feel like anyone else would want to. So I told my wife I couldn't do it anymore and said I wanted a divorce. She looked startled at first and then asked me why and we talked briefly about it before I left the house.

We did go to a couple of therapy sessions together after the separation but she closed down certain topics which made me more secure in my decision. And her kids did not miss me at all. Apparently once I was gone the kids told their aunt that the house felt like a home at last. They didn't say it as in now that he's gone but it was implied.

My wife's parents don't understand why I didn't stay and fight for us all to come together and be a family. They said I gave up too fast and I knew what I was getting into when I married their daughter. My wife has asked for us to work it out. But I don't see a future for us. Does all of this make me TA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

NorinaLeona said:

It’s okay to recognize when a situation isn’t working for you, especially when it feels like you’re not being prioritized or accepted. If you’ve given it your best shot and still feel unhappy and unsupported, leaving isn’t selfish, it’s protecting your own well-being.

OP responded:

Thank you. I feel like there are other things I could have done. But each and every one felt like it was just prolonging something that will never work. At least not for us and not right now.

chuchofreeman said:

"My wife's parents don't understand why I didn't stay and fight for us all to come together and be a family. They said I gave up too fast and I knew what I was getting into when I married their daughter. My wife has asked for us to work it out."

F that sh!t, you're not an accessory for her life or the life of her kids. The fact she changed her mind about having kids with you right after getting married also is a huge thing. Were you financially responsible for the household? Or is she independent in that regard?

In any case, as I said, you are not an accessory or replacement for her life, you´re her spouse and she should have treated you better. NTA.

JackB041334 said:

If you can’t you can’t. It’s hard to fight a ghost.

Appropriate-Cook-852 said:

ESH. Except the kids. Those preteen years are some of the toughest for kids. Then you add of the death of their father and their mom moving on too fast with a guy who really was never fully committed to being there for them. I've seen horror stories of step parents being absolutely tormented by their step kids who are lashing out.

A few passive aggressive picture and mug placements and you throw in the towel? Mom is no help in forming the relationship ? The adults failed these kids.

OP responded:

I couldn't even get the kids to talk to me. Had my wife been more help I would have stayed and tried to make it work. But I felt like I had to be careful about what I said to the kids. My wife wasn't helping, wasn't willing to properly discuss. All of it together made me throw in the towel.

Appropriate-Cook-852 responded:

Most teens are moody and don't want to talk to their parents. A lot of this definitely falls on your wife as well for not helping to facilitate a relationship. I just think when you join a family with kids you need to expect to put in a ton of effort, and you basically proved them right- you were not a reliable permanent figure in their lives.

You said yourself you could have done more. Sorry if it sounds harsh but it's my opinion. Both of you failed the kidsand failed to properly communicate.

And OP responded:

I understand that. But they weren't teens yet when we got married. Still at that age where that moody stuff can start and I won't deny it. But I was limited in what I could do as the non-parent. I did try very hard to make it work and make things good with them again. I wasn't the parent though and without the support or even guidance of the actual parent I was lost.

The more I could have done was in regards to the marriage and not the kids. Although I guess I could have been more pushy and forceful and insisted they speak to me and spend time with me and stop doing the things they did. I don't believe that would have worked. If anything I think it would have made things worse because it would have looked like I was trying to replace their dad or take his place in the family.

I respect that you're being honest to how you see things and if you feel I failed then I accept that. I did come here for honesty.

Thoughts?