'AITA for telling my ex's fiancée that I'm pregnant with his child?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my ex's fiancée that he has a kid on the way?"

I dated my ex, Jeff, for almost a year. He was one of those dudes who was so amazing that I genuinely asked him a month in what his secret flaws were and even then he was honest with me. I kept an eye out for these issues and sure enough, I find out I'm pregnant (yes we took precautions), he insists we keep the baby and make it work, then completely shuts down.

He doesn't ghost me but he pushed me away hard until I said enough was enough and ended it. He still wants to co-parent (he says) but I am now 30 weeks along and he hasn't told any of his friends or family.

I find out through mutual friends (and social media) that Jeff got back with an old girlfriend (from years ago) 2 months ago. I thought it was one of his "jumping into things too fast" but whatever, I want him to thrive and be happy and that isn't my business. Lo and behold, they announced their engagement yesterday.

They're very involved in their church and we are all in our early 30s so it's not really SO shocking to have such a quick engagement, but still weird to me. She and I aren't buddies, exactly, but her family is close to his family so we met a couple times and are friends on social media.

I immediately messaged her, congratulated her on her engagement, and (this is where I suspect I might be an a$$hole) told her it was very kind of her to date and marry someone who is having a child with someone else. I also said I was grateful it was her, because I think she will make a great stepmother to our child - and I fully meant it.

She replied quickly that she had no idea, thanked me for informing her, and last I saw she took down all the lovey-dovey posts about them as a couple. He is RAVING mad. Like, blowing up my phone with "how could you?" texts.

Calling me vindictive. This is from a man who would take three days to reply to my messages concerning our unborn child, since he lives a few hours away and doesn't come to appointments I will text him updates and ultrasound pictures. He says I had no right to tell her, that it's his news to share IF and WHEN he sees fit.

I haven't replied yet but obviously he thinks I am the a$$hole. I think his new girlfriend had a right to know exactly what she was getting into. I also assumed that he told her, but knew there was a chance that he didn't. So AITA?

This is what top commenters had to say:

talkingwithmasses said:

NTA at all!!!! He was deceitful towards her and she has 100% right to know before marrying this guy his whole truth. What an a$$hole honestly

TresTenelsu said:

NTA, people deserve to know the full situation of the people they’re gonna marry, and if he hadn’t told her before she got engaged to him he probably wasn’t gonna tell her till something forced his hand.

[deleted] said:

As a fellow pregnant woman, NTA. She definitely deserved to know. You really would think that he'd tell the woman he's marrying that he's having a baby with someone else.

And Wednesday_Atoms said:

NTA. And also kind of my hero. Even if what you wrote to his fiancee wasn't totally genuine, it was kind and the right thing to say in that situation. You left plenty of room for this woman to stay with him and co-parent. You also saved this woman from unwittingly agreeing to be a step-mother. That was also kind. You're 30 weeks pregnant with a child he told you to keep. Tell anyone you want.

In response to a commenter asking for more info about the end of their relationship, OP wrote:

We went from texting a bunch all day, him always saying good morning and goodnight (we were semi-long distance), sending random pics, liking each other's stuff on social media, seeing each other every weekend alternating who travels -

to me initiating all conversations, him responding with a word or two and not continuing conversation, removing me from social media because it's "too much", not wanting to make plans to see each other. I would ask him if something is wrong, he'd say "no, why, what's up?" and I'd explain and he'd say I was "reading into things". I asked if he wanted space and it was "no way babe".

I asked if work was particularly busy and got "nope same as usual". The vague language is because there was a word count. He wanted to co-parent when we were together. After I left him, he claimed he wanted to but showed no interest in actually doing so.

Here are are some more details about the situation that OP shared in the comments:

He wanted me to keep the baby because he had some rosy idea about co-parenting. I agreed to keep it and to co-parent with him. And then he realized his religion isn't so keen on pre-marital sex so he pushed me away thinking I'd either abort, give it up for adoption, or disappear completely.

I was fine with co-parenting. He said he was too. But then he pushed me away, I broke up with him, and he decided he didn't want to be involved with the baby anymore.

I think his plan was to keep the child a secret all along. Since we aren't married, he will likely lose his standing in his church if it comes out. And, no, he doesn't have other kids, this is his first and only child.

OP later came back with this edit:

I think I have answered everyone the best I can, so I am going to stop checking this. I am shocked that it's overwhelmingly NTA because I thought for sure ESH. Also, it's weird and fu^%$&^ up to question the death of his wife so I just took out that part because it doesn't actually matter to the judgment.

Thank you all for your input, even the people who said I am the a^&%ole. I kinda was, but the a(*&ole they deserved, I guess