'AITA if I exclude my daughter from our will but still make her the executor?'

"WIBTA if I exclude my daughter from our will, but make her the executor?"

Hello. A friend told me about this site and I need a judgement before making things official. I am 63F and my husband is 70M. Recently we decided to update our will. We are perfectly healthy, but just in case. We have two children together "Lily" (35F) and "Matt" (32M). Our children have always been extremely different from one another.

Lily is independent, she has not needed me much after age 10 or so. She is very intelligent, holds multiple degrees and is a pediatric neuropsychologist. She is married to "George" (37M), an engineer. Together they are very well off. They do not have children, although they could afford to.

Lily's reasoning is that the planet may not be sustainable in the future, and that technology/social climate make raising mentally healthy children difficult. I believe her job puts her in contact with families/ children in difficult situations, which has skewed her perspective because growing up she always wanted children.

She has asked that my husband and I shift our perspective of "family". To be fair, she visits and calls us often, and even reminds her younger brother of our birthdays and anniversary.

Matt has always needed me to help him pull it all together. He had dyslexia in school and barely managed to graduate college after 6 years. We are so proud he did! He works in the tourism industry and his work is somewhat seasonal. He has been in a relationship with “Heidi” (31f) who is an artist that sells some items online.

Even combined, they make a fraction of what his sister and brother in law do. Matt and Heidi are also “childfree” and claim to hate kids, but we feel this is best because it would be difficult for them to support children and their lifestyle is less stable (frequently move apartments).

We are planning on leaving 75% of our assets to Matt and the remaining 25% to our godson’s two children. Our reasoning is that Lily does not need the money, and her brother could really benefit from it and our godson’s children are the closest we have to grandchildren.

However, Lily will be made the executor of the will, and asked to carry out plans for our funerals as she is much more organized and keeps in contact with family members, whereas our son does not.

My sister was visiting recently and the topic of our will came up. She was outraged on Lily’s behalf and asked why we hate our daughter. We don't?! I just would like to support people who could actually use it. My sister asked if it would be different if Lily had children even though the children wouldn’t need money either considering Lily and George’s income.

I admitted yes it would be different and divided in half if that was the case. She also said it was time to stop babying Matt, and that he made his own choices in life. I asked her to leave since she just doesn’t understand, and on the way out she begged me to think this over before telling Lily and Matt or making it official. So, WIBTA if I went through with our original plan?

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what commenters had to say:

dcgirl456 said:

YTA. You know what Lily will take from this? That your final act is to once again dump the work on her as you smooth things over with Matt. I promise their relationship will never recover. 40% to Lily, 40% to Matt, 20% to your godsons. Stop being a dick to your daughter.

cara180455 said:

YTA. So basically by the time your daughter was 10, you expected her to be independent so you could focus on her brother. She worked hard and has been successful, and for this you want to continue favoring her brother and babying him. Him and his wife make such little money because they have chosen those jobs.

So now you want your final act to be making your daughter take on responsibilities while rewarding your son for not working as hard as her.

Calliope5586 said:

YWBTA. I think you mistyped “by age 10, she realized I had no time for her because Matt really needed me.” Your daughter became self-sufficient because you decided he was the favored child. And your plan is to cement this even further by saddling her with all the work and none of the benefits? Great job creating sibling animosity while you’re alive AND ensuring it will continue after your death.

OP responded:

Why would you assume there is animosity between my children? They get along well. Lily has always understood that Matt needed a bit more. She used to encourage us to attend his open house nights at school instead of hers. She sticks up for her brother. Part of the reason she chose her career is to help children like her brother and make things easier for them.

theadjudicator8 said:

YTA. You’ve put her last for years and still she tries with you. To leave her out of the will while putting all the responsibility for executing it is just monumental, unspeakable cruelty. And p.s. ten bucks says she doesn’t want kids because of the shitty way you neglected her needs growing up.

OP responded:

I never put her last. She was self-sufficient, equity and equality are different. Kids are different and need different things growing up (and this case in their adult life too). Are you telling me you never treated your children differently?

Ironinvelvet said:

YTA. You value Lily’s work ethic/organization, but choose to gift only your son. That’s pretty horrible. It’s your money and you can do with it what you choose, but that exclusion will probably still hurt your daughter long after you’re gone.

And OP responded:

It is not a gift, its about financial security, which my daughter already has. She worked hard and it has paid off for her.

Thoughts?