'AITA for expecting an apology when my rude and inconsiderate in-laws are chronically late?' UPDATED
"AITA for expecting an apology when my in-laws are chronically late?"
I have been married to my husband for fifteen years. In that time I have taken over preparing holidays for his family and our small family. His parents have always show up late to every holiday. Not 10 or even 20 minutes late but an hour to 2 hours late.
My husband and I have discussed that I feel it is rude and inconsiderate but he refuses to speak to them about it. Instead telling me I should just get over it. We had decided together that they would not bring any significant part of the meal, as they were always late.
This year was no different and my husband forgot that we had made that deal. So his mother was bringing mashed potatoes. He refused and acted insulted when I tried to purchase potatoes. In typical fashion, his parents showed up 1 hour late. Which meant we had to wait for them to eat and the food I had spent all day preparing sat for an hour.
They offered no apology and just became demanding at once. Wanting things cut and requiring I fetch things for them. During the meal they thanked my husband for preparing everything. Which he explained that I did it all. They then said, "well it's a joint effort." Am I the Ahole for thinking his family owes me an apology?
UPDATE:
Wow, this was a lot of information. Just a few things. This is somewhat cultural (hispanic) but we are in the US. I have said several things to my in laws through the years. I've told them I find their lateness rude and it feels intentional.
This is not the only slight but the most recent. My husband does not have my back when it comes to his family and never will. He does have my back most of the time with everything else. It is important to him that we continue to invite them and important to me that my children have a relationship with them as both of my parents have passed away.
I am very aware that I do not have to do it and sometimes it feels like I'm beating my head against a wall so my son can have memories with people who could care less about me. Normally I would have no problem writing off people who are so overtly intent on making me miserable but I don't feel that I can make that decision for my son.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Brooke74740 said:
Do not expect an apology. I serve the food at the time I specify and latecomers can reheat theirs when they arrive. That said, since you have held the meal all of this time it is fair to give them a heads up that you have a new policy. Maybe this means that you eat alone for the first year. Everyone comes to my home on time
Interesting-Cut-9057 said:
After 15 years you can’t talk to your in laws about this? They are aholes. Your husband is a wimp. And you are not an ahole for having this issue, but you are sucking if you let it go on and just complain and moan and don’t change anything. You need to change what you are going to do if you want it to be any different.
Primary-Criticism929 said:
I'm going with ESH. Your in-laws are rude and entitled. Your husband has no spine. But neither do you. How do you accept that behavior those 15 years?
Cold-Dragonfly-921 said:
ESH. In-laws did what they always do (which sucks, but it’s insincere to be surprised/offended after 15 years). Why did you wait to eat? You know they are going to be very late. It’s like you wanted an excuse to get mad again, about an issue that is NOT new.
You cannot control other people, only your reaction. Set some very simple boundaries: meal time is meal time and let go of any expectations of change, because they obviously don’t care and you can’t make them care. Your husband is certainly welcome to wait to eat if he wants, I guess.
Right_Count said:
ESH. Look, the in-laws get no gold stars from me. Your husband certainly doesn’t. But why on earth does the party start the exact minute dinner starts, especially when you know the in-laws are going to show up late?
They’re not going to change so either you do, or you just accept it. Or you can keep whining about it every year. I would suggest starting the party an hour or two before dinner with appetizers, cocktails, games etc. If they haven’t showed by dinner time, go ahead anyway.
lihzee said:
ESH. JFC, just address it with them if you're so upset. You'd rather just fume about it for another 15 years?