'AITA for expecting GF to pay for food she doesn't like and calling her my roommate?' UPDATED

"AITA for expecting GF to buy food she doesn't like and calling her my roommate?"

Background info: I own my own home, and seven months ago GF moved in. We both agreed that it would be unfair for her to contribute to my mortgage, as I am gaining equity and she is not.

The agreement that we came up with is that I am responsible for all house expenses (mortgage, HOA dues, taxes, insurance, maintenance) and she is responsible for living expenses (electric, water, internet, streaming, groceries). We had this all hashed out before she moved in.

Now, obviously I'm paying a lot more. I pay $2000 a month, not including regular maintenance. She pays about $500 a month. This is fine by me, as it is what we agreed to. On to the actual conflict.

GF has started getting annoyed about groceries. We keep a list on the fridge both can add too, and she goes shopping once every ten days or so. She says that I put too many "luxury items" on the list and it bothers her to buy expensive items she doesn't like. The main offenders are oils (olive, coconut, peanut, avocado), vegan yogurt (am lactose intolerant) and cashews.

I admit that all of these things are expensive. However, I do not go through them very quickly. The large oil containers last over a month each. One large container of yogurt lasts over a week.

A large container of cashews lasts about three weeks. Only the yogurt needs to be bought frequently, and the large container is just over $5. Furthermore, I do not eat the cheese or milk products she buys, some of which are more expensive (fancy ice cream bars and cheese dips) than what I like.

GF suggested I buy my own "luxury goods," since she doesn't benefit from them. She eats the dishes I cook the oils with, so this isn't necessarily true. Furthermore, this isn't our agreement. She pays no rent, and she'd be paying a lot more than $500 a month in any other roommate situation.

When I pointed this out, she became frustrated, saying that's irrelevant since we aren't roommates. I argued that, in addition to being BF & GF, we are also roommates, and some of our conflicts are those that most roommates face. She hated this comparison and ended the discussion abruptly to leave for work, even though she had 20 minutes before she needed to leave.

AITA? Is there a rule I didn't know about calling SOs roommates? Is expecting our agreement to stay consistent an AH move? GF mentioned that these days everyone needs to tighten the belt. Should I be sacrificing more for our relationship?

Extra info: Got back from work and there were too many comments to read all/answer all, so here's the answers to the questions I saw a bunch of before I got overwhelmed and stopped reading.

Oil: I don't drink oil or have high cholesterol. Olive oil and avocado oil are used for sauces, salad dressings, etc... Coconut oil I use for currys and stir fries. Peanut oil for sauces and stir fries. All are bought infrequently in large containers because it's cheaper. No more than one (sometimes none) needs to be replenished each month, as I said. They last a long time. I'm not fat or unhealthy.

Expenses: Utilities are not expensive where we live. We are both passionate about energy conservation and use very little electricity and water. The utilities are still in my name, she just logs into my account to pay them. I see exactly how much they are. It's $120 a month for water and electric. Internet is $60 a month. GF goes Shopping every ten days. She spends about $90 per shop.

I've seen receipts. That's $270. IDK why so many of you spend $1000 a month on groceries. I recommend cooking homemade meals like I do. It's very inexpensive. Dried goods like rice, pasta, beans, cost pennies per serving. In season produce that grows in our region is affordable.

I don't know how much she pays for streaming, as I didn't have it before she moved in. If it's more than $50 a month, then she should cancel one, because that's ridiculous.

My finances: I'm not house poor and can afford my mortgage. My mortgage is still cheaper than renting. I do not need my girlfriend to "subsidize" my house. I paid all of my own bills before she moved in and would be able to continue doing so without her.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

PurpleWomat said:

NTA. Gf is getting a little too comfy with living 'rent free'. Time to renegotiate your finances. In your situation, I'd adjust it to charge her a fair market rent and split groceries.

janejohnson1989 said:

NTA. She’s being greedy. And being nit picky with the term roommate. It seems like she feels like she’s expecting you to financially take care of her completely. Are you ok with that or no?

OP responded:

No, I would not be okay with taking care of her financially. I want things to be fair and equitable.

Spirited_Bill_8947 said:

NTA- 2000 vs 500 is a huge difference. She should stick to the agreement. Those aren't luxery items if they are used to cook with and you are lactose intolerant. I am also lactose intolerate- have you tried the lactaid pills? They work great in my opinion.

OP responded:

I have tried them, but I don't like them, and they only lessen my symptoms, not eliminate them. Yogurt is the only dairy product I like, so I prefer to just eat dairy free yogurt.

Ankchen said:

Of course I don’t know where OP lives, but I have a hard time believing that gf really only pays $500 a month if she pays electric, water, streaming, internet and all groceries for the month - especially with the current high inflation rates.

If I do a regular once a week shopping trip (and I don’t buy fancy oil and yogurts) I have to drop over $100 at once. Electricity is always around $70 and I live just in an apartment and I’m at work all day, and internet is also over $100.

I say NAH and I would recommend a budgeting app for gf and him and for gf to one month long collect every single receipt of what she actually spends - and then they can reevaluate.

PagingMrSpock said:

I'm hung up on that 500 number. I remember paying for groceries before my husband and I got married. This was like 20 years ago. What he thought I was paying for groceries and the actual bill were two different things. In fact, I recall showing him the receipts more than once because it was an ongoing argument.

I also don't know what her living situation was before the moved in. Was she living alone or with roommates or family? There could be a lot more to this. I withhold judgement for now.

And LekoLi said:

Nta, but inflation has happened. How is her employment? With the added cost of gas, and groceries doubling, do you think she might just be struggling?

He later shared this update:

After GF got back from her work thing and we had breakfast, we talked about finances as many suggested. Turns out she had a dispute (where she was 100% in the right) with the insurance agency that refers most of her clients. They haven't referred her to anyone since. So she's been making do with word of mouth referrals and had only been getting a fraction of the business she was before.

Apparently her parents have been paying her car payment/insurance as well as her phone for the last couple of months, but she's still not making enough. She didn't tell me because she was embarrassed and thought she could find a different insurance company to work with. However, the agent she was working with badmouthed her, so that didn't happen either.

I asked her to move out, since I don't feel comfortable financially supporting her, and she no longer has a stable income. Also, it sounds like she's going to have to move if she wants to keep doing the work she currently does. She agreed to leave by the end of the month. Thanks for all of the advice/perspective.